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Writing Divine Penance


Braidless Baka
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Well... I know this isn't very long, but I wanted to get it out so as to start a longer story. I don't often release fiction on OB - I think this is the first time aside from Otaku Idol. So, constructive critism is always welcome ^_^;;

[b]Divine Penance - Chapter 1[/b]
[i]?Hey, the power?s out again??
Quietly, the red-haired youth lay in the silence. Total darkness. He tilted his head towards the blonde on his right. The other boy?s breathing was so soft, you couldn?t even tell if he was awake or not. The redhead sighed, before reaching out with a gentle hand to nudge the boy. ?You awake??
In response, the blonde shifted, provoking a sleepy snort, before falling silent again.
?Evidently not?? whispered the redhead, lying on his back again with a sigh and studying the ceiling. ?The power?s out,? he murmured again, this time to himself. The fan above them had stopped purring. He hated that. The night was warm enough with the two boys in the same room without the fan dying on them. The sticky heat was oppressive; and the blonde, who?d already been up the whole night crying, would soon wake up again.[/i]

Quietly, Kieran ran his biro up and down his desk, the point leaving a faint blue trail in its wake. Then, absently turning his green gaze upwards, he gnawed on the end of the biro, satisfied to watch the comings and goings of classroom C17. Not everyone was in the class yet; Kieran could count at least seven empty seats. He had been in first, however, his quiet presence haunting the teacher as she came and went, taking books out and bringing them back in. They never spoke. Not until there was at least one other person in the room. And then Kieran was usually forgotten in some wonderful conversation about the weekend.
Kieran preferred not to talk about his weekends.
Five minutes before the bell went, everybody was in their seats. Somehow they had all made it in on time. Unusual. The general murmur continued in the classroom, the seats on either side of Kieran remaining empty. Absently, he pulled at his school tie, loosening it a little. Just enough to look untidy, but not enough that someone would talk to him about it.
Then someone else entered the room. Someone Kieran didn?t recognise. He watched as the boy walked into the classroom, his head held high, as though daring someone to say something to him. The teacher, she spoke with him in hushed tones, and by the look on his face he was being reasonably polite in his turn.
Boring.
Kieran turned his gaze away, his thoughts dwelling elsewhere. What did he care if someone new was coming into the class? It?s not like they were going to talk to him anyway. It wasn?t until a few seconds later Kieran heard the footsteps approach him, and he looked up in time to see the blonde stop by his desk.
?Can I sit here??
Kieran blinked, aware of the rounded American quality to the other boy?s voice, and then shrugged. ?Sure.?
The blonde proceeded to pull the chair from under the desk and sit in it, then rifling through his bag for his books.
?Don?t bother,? came Kieran?s quiet voice, provoking the other boy to look up curiously.
?What??
?Getting your books out,? continued Kieran, turning his gaze away. ?We don?t have lessons in this room.?
?We don?t??
Kieran?s answer was to shake his head, still not looking at the stranger.
There was a lengthy, yet uncomfortable pause. Then the blonde, desperate to break it, spoke. ?My name?s Dominic. What?s yours??
?Kieran.? The reply was reluctant. The room continued to hustle and move like a tide, as the two boys sat at their desks like stones. Dominic, Kieran noticed with a strange satisfaction, was fidgeting like nobody?s business. Why did the blonde care if a total stranger was ignoring him?
Some questions nobody could answer...
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Oh wow, I really like this, the bit with the writing at the beginning was really cool. I'm curious as to where this is going and how it's going to develop but the beginning read's really well. ^_^ You might want to expand on it in the next chapter with character development and introductions to the reader, but all in all a very good start.

BTW: as ever your dialogue is excellent
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