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Writing Far From Home [Short Story -- Unfinished]


Lady Asphyxia
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[size=1]I have a treat for you all. Instead of having to labour through some of [i]my[/i] work, my brother has asked me to post his first ever written [he's been making stories up for years!] story, to get some feedback.

Michael [aforementioned brother] is 13, and he wrote this for a school assignment/exam. He's since started to revise it, and add onto it.

So please, even if you don't review my stuff, give him some feedback. I'm sure he'd be pleased to get it. ^_^[/size]

[b][size=2]FAR FROM HOME[/size][/b]

[size=1]Henry stared out over the coastline, thinking about his journey ahead. He remembered all the fun times he had enjoyed. A new chapter is his life has begun. As he went for one final walk before he went back to the house, he took in the atmosphere ? the waves crashing to his left, the city buzzing to his right and the joy of being independent and leaving his home town of Sydney for the unknown adventures of London and the U.K.

As Henry arrived home he went straight to his bedroom and thought about what lay ahead- the fun of the Irish Pubs, the history of old London town and the rugged scenery of Scotland. As he ate his tea and went to bed he thought more. That night Henry couldn?t sleep. He was too excited, for tomorrow would be an action packed day.

That morning, Henry got up, had breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth and packed his toiletries. 5 minutes before he left he made sure he had his passport and wallet with money inside. He hugged his dad, his little brother and his little sister. When he got into the car he realized his dream has been achieved. He was going to Europe.

At the airport Henry checking in, then hugged his mum and went down the escalator to customs. He presented his passport, had his cabin bad passed through the x-ray machine then went and sat in the waiting area and read a book. After about 15 minutes his flight was called. He stood up and got his boarding pass then walked onto the plane with as much pride as Buzz Aldrin walking onto a spacecraft.

As the plane took off and climbed above the clouds, Henry waved goodbye and cried silently. He looked beside him and saw a quite attractive young lady doing the same. After about 2 hours, Henry went to sleep. When he woke up he was in Singapore. For a moment he thought he was in England but then he remembered the plane had to re-fuel so he went back to sleep. Henry slept for about 3 hours and woke to find they were flying over Pakistan. He kept awake for the rest of the flight and occasionally paid attention to the captain announcing what country they were flying over.

When the captain announced they were passing over France, Henry?s nerves set in, for in less then two hours he would be stepping off the plane at Heathrow. With his legs beginning to numb, he decided to go for a walk to the toilet. On his return he found the plane descending and heard the seatbelt sign switch on. Henry opened the window blind and saw London on his right. When the pilot finally announced they would land in 15 minutes Henry froze with excitement. The engines roared, the turbines spun and when the Boeing 747?s wheeled touched and clung to that fine tarmac there at Heathrow Airport, Henry knew the book of his life had just made another chapter.[/size]
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[color=teal]Wow, that was a very cool little bit to read, heh. There was a lot of detail that others may not have thought to ecorporate, such as presenting the passport and the fassen seatbealt sign; is this somehow based on a true story?

I think the beginning and the end were my favorite parts. You used vivid imagery and flowed the sentences together with ease, and I was very impressed. Up near the end, the sentences started becoming a little linear, and sort of choppy, but you ended it great.

That last sentence especially. [i]Wow[/i]. The book of his life starting a new chapter; I just love it. :)[/color]
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[size=1]

Wow. I mean seriously, wow.
For a child that displays the qualities and virtues of a jock, he has an amazing gift for literary devices.

All I need to know now is that your Mum can write, and I can say that the gift runs well and truly in the family.

^_^[/size]
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