Writing Fortune faded

[Baron Samedi]

I'm making this up on the spot, in regard for Red Hot Chilli Pepper's new song.

I dance in cornfields
Wearing your clothes
Dance in cornfields
Like a scarecrow

All the whole my fortune faded

I sit in the street
In the gutter
I am sitting in the street
Lookin' for my mother

All the while my fortune faded

I live for your love
bask in it's glow
I live for your love
If only you didn't know

All the while my fortune faded

I wish for a life
I lash out with the knife
I yearn for your life
Oh my, the strife

All the while my fortune faded

The red and blue
I am in a queue
The red and blue
I'm gonna spew

All the while my fortune faded

The harsh stone walls
I have no hope
The harsh stone walls
Oh for the mercy of the rope.

All the while my fortune faded
All the while my fortune faded
Alas, my poor fortune fades.

[Basic storyline. I made it up as I wrote. What do you think of it. Two people's opinions who I would value greatly are PT's and Mitchs' Just don't bleed all over the floor fellas]

[Mitch]

[size=1] It was good until the last stanza. I didn't like how it ended like that. Just stick to the concreteness of the poem, ending with, "All the while my fortune faded."

As a whole, I liked the poem, mostly because of its rhyme, which pushed it forward in a way only decent rhyming can do. I enjoyed the repetition, the images. It worked pretty well. So good job, heh.

Insantaneous things are always the best.[/size]

[Brasil]

Revised in keeping with the source title and source material, Fortune Faded by Red Hot Chili Peppers:

Moon come out tonight,
Bathe me in your navy light,
I?m jaded.
My fortune?s faded.

Wrap me in your azure hue,
I?m here again to dance with you,
Here in the cornfields.

The scarecrows are out again,
River streams around the bend,
And I?m here for you.

Moon come out tonight,
Bathe me in your navy light,
I?m jaded.
My fortune?s faded.

I?m standing here to wait for you,
You?re the one to pull me through,
I?m here again to dance with you,
Here in the cornfields.

I want to feel your lunar dove,
Please come to me my love,
As I stand here for you,
Here in the cornfields.

I long to feel your loving glow,
Longing to have you know
How much I love you so.
Please come with me.

Moon come out tonight,
Bathe me in your navy light,
I?m jaded.
My fortune?s faded.

Countless nights here have I stood,
Yearning for the blesséd good,
Waiting for you,
Here in the cornfields.

Many nights have long since past,
Since I did see you last,
And here I still am,
Here in the cornfield.

Moon come out tonight,
Bathe me in your navy light,
I?m jaded.
My fortune?s faded.


I have found that when doing an "inspired piece," one must be sure to keep with the original source material. This is in keeping with "genre grounding." Baron had a good start, but for what the title was, and what the title connected us to, the song didn't gel with the mood. I have spoken with Baron regarding the theme of the original copy, and offer this as the new revision.

The obsessive themes of the lover are kept and made stronger in the revision. In Baron's original copy, the theme was muted, or not brought forth strong enough.

The revised edit shows what revision can do.

Mitch, instantaneous things are not always the best. In fact, instantaneous is often synonymous with instant crap. I've spoken with published authors and have been taught by published authors...award-winning authors, mind you, and they make it completely, undeniably clear that if you write something in a split second, see no possible improvement potential, no need for revision, then the work is a guaranteed trashbin item.

It may sound very poetic and wise to say "it came to me in a minute," but that's not how one writes good literature. Good literature comes through many, many revisions; many, many writers re-write entire books in the editing/publishing process. My fiction workshop professor has explained that if you have a good line, don't worry, it will come back in somewhere.

So, yes. Never should we be totally satisfied with something written in the span of one minute or five. It just doesn't work that way.

[Dagger]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by PoisonTongue [/i]
[B]Good literature comes through many, many revisions; many, many writers re-write entire books in the editing/publishing process. My fiction workshop professor has explained that if you have a good line, don't worry, it will come back in somewhere.

So, yes. Never should we be totally satisfied with something written in the span of one minute or five. It just doesn't work that way. [/B][/QUOTE]

I hope that this isn't considered getting off-topic. I just wanted to expand on what you said, because in my experiences as a writer, I've found it to be wholly true.

There have been times in which I've come up with numerous pages of beautifully written crap, and been reluctant to alter them [i]because[/i] they were filled with good lines. Yet a collection of good lines won't ever amount to something more without significant revision. No matter how much I like something I've created on the spot, once the glow has faded and I sit down to seriously re-read it, I usually find a ton of things that could use some tweaking.

~Dagger~