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Writing One of my English III essays


Sicarius
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this is a story that was witten from two paintings of people in boats. The first was of 4 boys in a dingy, the latter of a man in a storm with sharks. this is my esay:
The smell of the salt air filled out lungs as we sailed throughout the cool, brisk afternon.
The dingy was perfect for the four of us. It had all the nessiet(spl?) of a home
" We could sail forever!" one of the boys had said. But that soon changed.
A large squall had hit and we were knocked in all directions imaginable.
Thankfully, it enede fairly quickly. We gathered our minds and went to sleep, still frightened by the storm.
This went on for so long, it could only be described as torment and cruel.
" How could the great bueatiful ocean do such a thing to us?!" sme one had said.
We ran out of food after some time had passedon our dingy.
One by oen the boys lost their miinds. Some jumping over to be fed to the sharks that had been hounding us for days, like a large Savanha cat staliking its prey.

the rest will be posted in about 15 min. i have to go to lunch, ( I'm at school)
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[COLOR=Indigo]I understand that this is only the beginning of the essay but, it seems alittle rough. Some of your sentences seem to develope a thought and then completely drop it, there is so much room for expansion in ideas and thoughts in the paragraph. One such sentence that could lead a reader to be puzzled is

[quote] A large squall had hit and we were knocked in all directions imaginable.[/quote]

A large squall hit what? What did it feel like getting knocked, what were you doing at the time?

Now reading from the context I can only guess that you mean the squall hit the dingy, but to some readers that would not be apparent, as well as maybe your teacher.

Also...proofread!! I don't know if you just typed this out or actually put it word for word from your essay but there were a lot of tiny mistakes.

Nessiet? Uhm...what in the world? Do you mean necessities? I'm not sure, sorry I can't help you with that word.

Another thing, never start a sentence with AND or BUT; use a comma to connect the two thoughts. No offense but your sentences seem almost bland at times, try using more adjectives, make it more descriptive, as a reader I want to feal like I am there, that I AM one of the boys.



Its really not that bad so far, there are quite a few small gramatical errors and typos but I'm sure you'll work through those. Good luck with it, be interested to read the rest. Although I'm curiouse what grade you're in.[/COLOR]
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[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Please read the [url=http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?][u]rules[/u][/url] and clean up your spelling. It is, quite frankly, horrible. Your story and post becomes very hard to understand. Words need spaces between them, which you've missed quite a lot. I'll also ask you to use better spacing in future -- a line's space between paragraphs. It makes for easier reading. I think these problems could probably be resolved if you put more time into your posts.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]The piece could use some work. Like Lalaith Ril said, it needs to be revised and expanded. Most of the story could be dragged out into a 1000 + word story, and it's contained here in very little words. I understand that you're probably working within a limit, but perhaps expanding something to include the senses; what did the salt water smell like, what did the raft feel like, what did the skly look like, and so on. [/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]With quite a bit of revision, this could actually be a fairly quality story. The idea's there, you just need to make it work. [And keep your post quality up.][/color][/size][/font]
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Junyi, all I can say is your going way to fast. You really need to slow down and take your time. Give us some actual characters. One of the boys went mad and through himslef over board you say? First you need to tell us why we should care!

Right now it seems more like a concept than a story. I'm sure if you slowed down a lot and gave us a reason to care about what was happening, you could be an excellent writer. :)
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  • 2 weeks later...
Thanks to all of you for responding. I came in today to finish the essay, but instead i will not. Of all your compliments and other things, you fail to see that the essay is not ment to spur you into anything or to make you care only to read and enjoy or hate it which ever way you want it to. Like i said at the end of the post i will return to finish it at another time ( which was orginally 15 minutes, but went further due to tests and other threads that i'm involved with). This essay goes by fast because of the time that i had towrite it in. My teacher gave the class around half an hour to do this after reviewing the portaits.
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