Writing My Wandering

[Shinken]

[i]EDIT: I have decided to try and turn this thread into a compilation of whatever poetry I may write while on OB. I'm still hoping for a lot of feedback so that I may improve.[/i]

[COLOR=DarkRed][i]I find myself wandering, along parallel ways.
A firm resolution guards all of my days.
Glittering through the trees, the sun's bright rays
Are lighting the path of my wandering ways.

As week turns to month, and month into year,
Resolve's steady hands keep a clean sword near.
Through bandits and brothels, with caution I steer
Ahead lies the Way's end, my options are clear.

Many "Truths" have been spoken, and many tales spun.
All cause me to wonder, which Way is the one?
All choosing for naught, the rays of the sun
Are still lighting my path; a new wandering begun.[/i][/COLOR]

Opinions, anyone?

[Thaylien]

Actually, for once, I can't find anything directly critical to say about a piece of poetry.

Good pace, a thoughtful theme and, when it comes down to it, a very good poem for both reading and spoken word.

I'm genuinely impressed, it goes past a lot of my own poetry in a great way, and I'm being published for some of those, so that's a good scale to work from , don't you think?

All I can say is if you submit that level of poetry to the right places, you'll go a long way.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Great poem. Wonderful sense of rhyme and rhythm; it flows magnificently. As Thaylien has said -- this is really a quality poem. It's very well rounded, and probably one of the best I've seen. It actually reminds me of Robert Frost's [u]The Road Less Travelled[/u]. The only comment I'd could make would be that the rhyming words are very simple. If it were an abab format, it'd probably seem trite, but because it's aaaa, bbbb format, it seems fine. [/color][/size][/font]

[Shinken]

[quote name='Lady Asphyxia][font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Great poem. Wonderful sense of rhyme and rhythm; it flows magnificently. As Thaylien has said -- this is really a quality poem. It's very well rounded, and probably one of the best I've seen. It actually reminds me of Robert Frost's [u]The Road Less Travelled[/u]. The only comment I'd could make would be that the rhyming words are very simple. If it were an abab format, it'd probably seem trite, but because it's aaaa, bbbb format, it seems fine. [/color][/size'][/font][/quote]


[quote name='Thaylien'] All I can say is if you submit that level of poetry to the right places, you'll go a long way. [/quote]

...^///^ I didn't think it was [i]that[/i] good... Thanks, guys. Now my ego has inflated by.... 25%! You can expect some hate mail from my friends now. :D

[eleanor]

[color=firebrick] Oh, dude, you're ego [i]should[/i] be inflating. Awesome beat and flow, the poem is really great. It's original, and I particularly liked that 'clean sword' line for some reason. ^_^. You have skill, my 50% Buddhist.[/color]

[Shinken]

As promised, here's more poetry from the me. I figured I'd go with a bit more lyrical style this time. If you're wondering about the title, just look at the repeated stanza. They tie together, somewhat. ^^x

[i] In the temple where I hide,
in the corner of my eye,
I see them in the shadows, prancing.
The flames of candles softly dancing,

swaying with the midnight breeze,
a sound that puts my mind at ease.
And yet, one small part of me still
keeps watch, just as it always will.

When morning comes, I take my leave.
I carry rouge within my sleeve.
The day is bright, but soon is gone,
and down my path I wander on.

Swaying with the midnight breeze,
a sound that puts my mind at ease.
And yet, one small part of me still
keeps watch, just as it always will.

As time goes on, a simple noise
alerts me to unseen enemies, poised
to take their blades and end my life.
And despite my skill, one day they might.

Swaying with the midnight breeze,
a sound that puts my mind at ease.
And yet, one small part of me still
keeps watch, just as it always will. [/i]

Opinions?

[Japan]

[COLOR=Navy][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Very good, Josh!! You are becoming a one of a kind poet. Your poems always remind me of the Edo Era in Japan with all of those Samurai and geisha. I really like it. You seem like a poetic Ronin...a samurai in tune with his surroundings. ^_^ You get a 9/10....[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Shinken]

[i]I went outside to find myself,
expecting to meet me in the woods.
The bitter wind was cold and harsh,
yet felt... right and good.

I wandered round, my face grew numb.
And still no answers reached me.
The wind grew strong, as if calling me
I hoped it would beseech me.

I picked up a handful of snow
and threw it at a tree.
Expecting an answer, I looked at the impact.
And what was it I saw? Me.[/i]

[Guest hanij]

:eek: You're poems are simply astounding. I wish I had that kind of skill. You and I have a kind of kindred soul. I can write poems, but I've never worked on them to where I can anctually be happy with them. You really ought to look into what you can achieve with this gift. It could help you along financially if you wanted it too, but think of all the people who could be reading YOUR poems. That's it I guess. First poem: 10/10, second: 10/10, and third: 9/10. Later... :laugh:

[Shinken]

Yeah, I didn't like the third poem that much, either. It was kind of written on a whim. Meh. :D I didn't think I was that good, though! Yeesh!

[Shinken]

Well, it's been quite a while since I've crafted any poetry, so I've had more than a few inspiring experiences. Thus, it's time for me to make up for my slacking off. This poem is comprised of multiple haiku that all form one long poem.

[i]This span of my life
has given to me
more than I could dream.

A test of the will;
A wolf in sheep's clothing,
claws at the ready.

A guide from the past,
through nine circles of this life,
has shown me the way

To emerge as "me",
instead of what I "should be".
Limitless beliefs.

And as for the wolf,
it has returned to its den,
its hunger sated.

And now as I turn,
staring straight into the sun,
I see or go blind."[/i]

Opinions? Constructive criticism? Anything? [SIZE=1]Hello?[/SIZE=1] *crickets chirp in the reeds*...