Writing The Best Thread You Ever Saw (Where Mitch Dumps All His Writing Things)

[Mitch]

[size=1][color=red] Ms. Asphy, known to me as Kat, has asked that I put all my various writing works all in one thread. I agree with her and am happy to oblige. So, here I be, ready to post things for thee.[/size][/color]

[b]Rhyme rhyme rhyme, mud mud slime[/b]
Stubborn tenacious tenacity
Roomous sprawling capacity
Breathing lungable opacity
Sucking vacuumous aristocracy
Breathe with me breathe reality.

Heave so hazardously
through the stomach's digesting whine.
Stomachache breaking the tick-tock man's time.
Mudslide shoulders inertia fine.
Congested ingestioned crime.

Murdered reality's slaving shrine.
Full working functioned mimes.
Severed destroying ties.
Relinquished dying child's climb.
Hill steep hoisting cry.
Innocence finds its summit's side.

Come running over wide.
Catch me over glide.

Clutching grabbing seize
Teething clasping breeze
Downard upward seethe
Clouding downing creed
Floundering fishing machine
Steel-toed death-eyed breathe
Lover's loving.

Imagination's idioteque child.
Born wombed smiled.
Held told beguiled.
Frowned the faces pedophile.
The sucking renching draining eating guile.
Jaws munch all the while.

Hold me eat me down
Slow me burn me frown
Hit me bruise me round
Love me kiss me clown
Laugh me tease me ground.
All it's growing now.

You left you're gone
You came you're fond
You ate you're strong
You weight you're brawn
You fight you're song
One day it'll be gone.

Buried interred soil
Happy mother's coil
Monkey's-man human toil
Expulse expose derail.
Train's going pale.

Tracks laid out
Follow zealous stout
Immediacy immediates the trout.
Tumble rock roll bout.
Fallen shout.

Ululating yearn
Perpetual burn
Roaching slur
Butterfly's demur
Wing's clipped sure.
Gone to her.

Death's-head came.
Go to grave.
There hear names.
Reality's claims.
Roses' shame.
Tick-tack toe game.
Repeats the shame.

Dark oscillating color
Velvet mutter.
Taut slutter.
Slaughter pig's clutter
Genocide's gutter.

Child's hand.
Junkyard land.
Expiration slate's slanter sland.
Animus's dying band.
Surrogate band-aid sand.
Deserted desert grand.
The place of man.

Skulls the vultures pluck.
Overboarding orchard's overtured suck.
Dry luck.
The mind's tuck.
Cards going over duck.
Sun blears stuck.
Held in sky shut.

Moon bloom in sky.
Falling tear shy.
Lovely sigh.
Demise.
Glowing luminescent wry.
Up in air blind.
Wolves howl dry.

Snouts proboscis earth
Growls penetrate dirt.
Dig up graves hurt.
Child moves down curt.
Dead skull of mallow girt.
Torn tallowed shirt.
Naked exposed cradle spurt.

Monsters grab children in.
Shelter slim.
Teeth gnarling grim.
Augment them then.
Child comes post-mortem again.
Alive in eyes dim.
Scared hymn.

Mind runs wild.
Monster holds it's futile.
Imagination piles.
Death rears all the while.
Innocent heralded style.
Faded bark thing smiles.
Child lines up single-file.
It's time to hide for a while.

The cracks and corners.
Away from the coroners.
Deep in boulders.
Bowing shoulders.
Hidden rover.
Hiding slower.
Need to get over.
Be alive hope glowers.
Monster's holder.

Wretched things.
Wolf beings.
Child screams.
Found dreams.
Raped clings.
Hold it machine.
Click-clack metal careen.

Gun in its palm.
Hold it slob.
Bullet in ready to rob.
The anointment oil's balm.
Gunpowder's mob.
Monster's hog.
Slaughter child raw.

Visceral tint's texturous slog.

Trigger pressured.
Monster's eyes ushered.
Tightness covers.
Child mutters.
Dreams stutter.
Imagination clutters.
Bang flutters.

Bang flutters
like a butterfly
flying in the sky.

Demise.
Goodbye.
Shot die.
Slave hi.
Work don't whine.
Do your time.

Stress me caress me
Shoot me kill me
Down me up me
Rape me leave me
In me out me
Monster inside
derides.
Laughterous cry.
Sly.
Wry.

Child's died.

Another day he'll be alive.

Child's died.

Another day he'll be alive.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]Now, before I start my critique, I have a confession to make; I didn't read it all. Which sounds so horrible, I know, but I'm just so pressed for time at the moment. I have 500 words to write on mood for Drama, a 15 page Accounting Assignment to do, and 800 words to learn by Monday for my English Novel Exam. I shouldn't really be on here, but I doubt I'll get a chance for the rest of the weekend, so I wanted to post in your thread while I could, heh. ^_^"[/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]First thing; roomous isn't a word. Roominess is. Lungable isn't. Vacuumous isn't. While some linguists may argue that as soon as it's made up it's a word, as long as people get what you mean [like Impressionist art, I suppose. You get the impression of what it is.] I personally think it's a bigger challenge to use words that aren't made up. I prefer to stick with real words, because people can get confused with words that...aren't.[/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]The speed of the poem is quite fast, like a gasping for breath, running, fear sort of deal, which is cool. With my short reading, I didn't really understand what it was about, heh. [/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]I really liked the first verse, except for the aren't words. I thought they had a great flow and rhythm, and I can see that carried on throughout the poem. [/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]I think, however, just from looking at the line structures at the end, that you sort of lost the flow and rhythm a bit, so you could possibly tighten that up to flow better with the rest of the poem.[/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]But from what I've read, it was quite good. ^_^ Well done.[/size][/font][/color]

[Mitch]

[b]Machine Star[/b]
Numb drip
the fury kiss
so toilet yellow
nothing she--she's nothing
she's machine stars.

Numb drip
the fury kiss
taste of pulp
suck dry.
she's a woman--she's red
blood flesh in the flesh.

Usless pigskin
rock and roll.

Horny
Small.

This is just
the beginning
this is just.
This is just.
This is just the
beggining it's just
the beggining.

This is just
the beginning.

woman machine,
blood flesh in the flesh.
she's nothing--she's nothing
machine star.

Beginning
is here.

Here.

Surgery
on the heart.
Vena cava
bleed apart.

Surgery on
the heart.
Vena cava.
Bleed apart.

Machine
star.
Machine
star.
Surgery
on
the heart.
Machine star.
Machine star.

Machine machine
star machine star
machine star.

Mechanical we are.
Mechanical we are
Mechanical
we are
we are
we are.

Mechanical we are.
You know, you know
you know who
who you are.
You know, you know,
(Mechanical we are)
you know who
you are

[b]frei macht free[/b]
wall,
wall with bruises
strokes and caresses
hands lying by
blood red in
wall,
wall with the bruises,
strokes and caresses,
breathing and chokes.
bricks,
hands and
bricks.

smile child,
smile faces,
embraces,
smile child,
smile faces,
embraces,
tears won't come.
tears won't come.

feeling,
if you want some
feeling,
if you want some.

wall adorned
roses in hands
daffodills.
wall,
wall beaten
bruised and injured
welted lacerated
and incisioned.
wall,
wall cannot be passed
wall,
wall cannot be broken
wall cannot be broken beaten
into submission
cannot be bent to termination.

the wall
is me
wall is me
wall is me
is me
is me
is me

wall is me
is me

feeling,
feeling,
feeling.

broken down chemical
reactions inbalances
in the brain
and balances
in the brain
broken down chemical
reactions
head pounding
blood rushing.

beat against
the wall.
wall,
beat against
the wall.

head, beaten,
cracks open,
bleeds groping,
down the rush falls
rush of blood
to the head
head, beaten,
down the rush falls.

hands tight
wall's brick
beat it
prick.
wall's brick
tight
beat it
prick.

wall's brick
stone and pressure
pressure and time
eating blame
wall's me
wall's me
wall's me.
can't do.
won't do.
it won't do for me.

veins,
heart of wall,
veins heart of wall
broken highways
to their streets
the places
where they meet
veins,
heart of wall,
veins broken all.

smile child,
smile child,
smile.
so small
on the wall
beating bugger's
head on the side
of the brick
can see
it
prick.

head pounding
broken mesage
dying lesson
given pension.

i want me
back.
i want me
back.
i want me
back.

want me back
want me back,
i want me back.

wall,
stole,
thief,
stole everything
i had.
give it back.
give it back to me.
give it back.
wall,
stole,
theft,
i want me.
want me back.
give it back.

give back what you stole
what you stole what you
give back what you
what you stole what you
stole what you stole stole
stole what you stole
give back what you stole.

tasted wall
licked tongue
tasted on taste
buds the taste
of done
taste wall
licked tongue
tasted taste
of done.

of done
done.
of done.
done.
of done.

tasted of done.

dry,
wall
taste dry.
cannot ever try.
dry.
wall tasted try.

smile child,
smile.

smile.
smile for your hands,
bleed freely for their
work.
smile for the toil,
bleed freely for their
work.

frei macht free.
frei macht free.
frei macht free.

frei macht free
smile child.
frie macht free.
smile faces,
smile child,
smile faces,
embraces,
faces,
embraces,
faces.

embraces faces
to be
frei macht free.
arbeit macht frei.

for this
we breathe-

wall of
frei macht
free.