Writing My Ninja/Immortal characters history ( Well Sorda)

[DeadlyDrifter]

its the attachment and i would like feed back if possible. Like what you think i should fix and what else i should add
I updated the thing its only like a few sentences but it might make it beter i really would liek to see your thoughts on this PLz reply

[Sara]

[size=1]Welcome to OB.

I'm sending this over to the lit forum for ya. Writings go there. [/size]

[DeadlyDrifter]

Sorry about that sara i didnt notice about it untill i posted and went back to see if any one replied or any thing

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]This is...a character bio? Is it for a game, a spar, a story or what? The reason I ask is that different types of history require different information. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]My first piece of advice is to use a spellcheck and watch your punctuation. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Since this piece is short, I'll go through it for you, heh.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The world never goes away no matter how much we torture it. But life does die [color=red][personally, I think it would be better as 'But the [i]living[/i] do die...'][/color] and for me it won't. I'll be alive for centuries to come. No one will ever know [color=red][Why won't they know?][/color], nor will they ever capture me for all of the blood shed that I bring [color=red][Do you mean despite all the bloodshed, or that they'll be trying to capture you because of the bloodshed you cause?][/color]. You might know who I am [color=lime]but[/color] I swear when I come around you'll wish you've [color=red][Should be you had -- you'd.][/color] never heard of me. [color=seagreen][color=lime]But[/color] [/color]when the time comes [color=red][What time?][/color] I will be unknown[color=red] [Why? You've already said that he was known in the previous sentence.][/color] you will never see me in the darkness of the night, nor shall you sense that I was ever there. I might seem like I was sent from hell [color=lime]but[/color] no, I turned [color=red][Became, would perhaps be a better word.][/color] this way by bieng tormented [color=red][Those three words don't sound right. Perhaps [i]Because of torment[/i]][/color] for centuries before your ancestors [color=red][Before their ancestors? Why should they enter into it? If you want to give a time span, add [i]were even born. [/i]If you're trying to get at the fact that he was tormented by their ancestors, say that, heh.][/color]. I may not look old but you [strike]really have no idea[/strike] [color=red][Sounds odd. Perhaps you can change that to 'appearances can be decieving'?][/color]. I walk the streets day and night not needing water or food [color=red][I'd say swap water and food around, to keep with the normal pattern that people heard.][/color]. I kill just to see blood; its wonderful sight [color=red][You've already said you like the sight. Perhaps you could change that part to 'to [i]smell it's wonderful scent.[/i]'][/color]. You might think [strike]b/c[/strike] because [color=red][Don't shorten words.][/color] I like the view of someone oozing blood out [color=red][Oozing reminds me of two things; Green slime and Ouzo (Ouzo is an alcoholic drink). Also, you've already spoken about [i]seeing[/i] blood. So perhaps you could change the imagery to something like 'I like hearing the [i]drip, drip[/i] of blood pooling on the floor'?][/color] that I am [color=red][might be is too wishy washy.][/color] a vampire. [color=red][End the sentence here. It's too long.][/color] You'd be wrong. I'[/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1]m just a eight thousand century year old man stuck in a twenty five year old's body. [/size][/font]


[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay. There's a lot of red in there, but don't stress because of it. The 'but's are highlighted because you seem to use them a lot, and a piece this short shouldn't have much repetition.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Now, first of all, the reader needs an explanation as to why this person [who isn't a vampire] is still alive despite being 8,000 years old. Secondly, you need to describe something other than the sight of blood. Delve into the other senses; touch, hearing, smell, even taste. Sometimes you need to concentrate on what you want to say and clarify it for the reader -- remember, we don't know as much as you do in regards to this character.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]However, other than that, it's quite good. You just need to expand it a bit more and give the reader a bit more explanation as to why, and it'll be fine, heh.[/size][/font]

[DeadlyDrifter]

oNe reaon i dont have good spelling is because i dont have word for some odd reason. And thnx thats going to really help. I dont really know what its for its my first charactar bio and i was just going to draw him first and think of what he should be in probably a game, this is also after i played all the old tenchu games again lol.