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Writing Adventures in the Element world


Guest Princess of Mer
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Guest Princess of Mer
princess of mer:k..call me iz and this has nothing to do with Digi.Frontier.i just can't think of any ***.guy names.....and i'm our heroine,Izumi in my story :p

Izui was walking into the school.her heart was thumping at a horrible speed of 180.she glanced around.

"this place is not so bad.i wonder if i can make any friends.......''

The school bell rang.she walked along the corridor,getting stares along the way.

"oh,here it is!8-C!here's goes nothing....."

*knocks*' "erm..excuse me,Ms Kamiko.....may i come in?"
"oh,u must be Izumi,right?C'mon in!"
"settle down,people!today we have a transfer student fron another school. Izumi, would u please write down your name for us?''

Izumi nodded.she wrote down her name on the board.nervously..she just stood there and not speaking to anyone.

"Sohmuki Izumi......what an interesting name!hmmmm......now why don't you introduce yourself!"

"erm.....my name is..Sohmuki Izumi and i like to draw,sing-''
''oh,u like to sing?can u sing a tune for us to hear?-"

Izumi shook her head.she's just a little nervous about the whole thing.

''never mind....how about....sitting behind Koji?There's an empty space back there anyway....back there....''

Izumi walked towards the empty seat at the back of the class.the nervous feeling inside her grew.she didn't know why the feeling is there.the nervous feeling
grew even more..especially when she walked past Koji.but she just walked past him as though nothing has happened...but everyone can tell that she was blushing away
......especially when she went past Koji.........they were all whispering into one another's ear.....

''Hi,my name is Hikari Koji and how are u?''he held out his hand and thought she will shake it..but she didn't.she just ignored it and took out her textbooks.
...................................................................................................
it was recess.she took out her bottle,her sketchbook,a few pencils and a few sandwiches,walked towards a corner and sat down.....she was sketching away
so she didn't notice Mitsuki sneaking up on her.

''say.....that's pretty good......."
''huh,who are u?''
''my name's Atsuko Mitsuki...and i'm in 8-A-''
''oh,my name is Sohmuki Izumi and sadly...i'm in a different class...''
''never mind.....hey,let's be friends!we can't be in the same class...but we CAN go
recess together!''
''okay!''
''rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiinnnnnnnggggggggggg!''
Recess was over,but she has found a friend and they parted to be back in class.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was November already.Today,our little herione is going to go on a field trip after school hours with the other 8th Grade classes..to the mountains.
''oh, here comes the bus!let's all get in there!''
Izumi found herself a seat near the middle as the 'gangs' are always sitting at the back......and the front ain't that good as well.....
''why don't u sit here....with Izumi?''
Izumi turned away from the window towards the voice.it was Ms Kamiko,and this time.....she's forcing Koji to sit beside Izumi...again.
well...does she like to watch them blushing away or what?well...sadly this is what has happened to them for every single field trip...
.............................................................................................
things were not what they had in mind.the whole lot of them was together.suddenly.a group of creatures appeared in front of them.But only Koji,Izumi,Mitsuki,Kamico Miyuki,Yamaki Yume,Kakurai Kirachi,Kisaji and Kariko and Hitomi Yukio can see them.The creatures ran deep into the forest and our heroes followed.the creatures suddenly disappeared into a portal and so they followed.

when they reached the other side of the portal,they realised that they are in another world..the Element World/E world....and worse still...THEY ARE FALLING!!!!!!!!!!
*****************************************************************
okay,dudes how do u like it?!when ******** appears...it represents the end for this chapter
.pls,if you want,continue the story or you can just wait for the next chapter.
elementally,
Iz.
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Well, uh, aside from the fact that this is the wrong forum to post fanfics, I do have some comments.

First off, you definately need to work on grammar and spelling. Some parts were so bad that they were unreadable :( Have someone proof-read this before you post it. It'd really help.

Secondly, you need more description. I always hate writing too much description, but if you have the right amount, it works out and makes the story REALLY interesting. It'll also make your chapters longer. That just seems short for a chapter, but then again, who ever said how long a chapter has to be?

Before posting anything else, I suggest rewriting it. But it's a start, right? :)
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[color=green]Hi Princess of Mer,

There are two separate forums which your thread might belong in. You posted in the [b]Adventure Arena[/b], which exists for the playing of RPGs -- collaborative storytelling in which all players mainly control one character. There is also the [b]Literature[/b] forum, where people may post their creative writing efforts, and I think this belongs there.

Note that RPGs in the Adventure Arena should begin in the Recruitment forum with an extensive back story behind them. For more information, you may wish to read the stickies at the top of the forum, or look at other RPGs as examples.

Incidentally, as DW suggested, you may wish to work on your punctuation and grammar as well. It would make your post at least a bit easier to read.

I'm moving this to the Literature forum, but if you wish to start an RPG version of it, you can feel free to start a new thread in Recruitment. If this it's all a bit confusing even after reading the stickies and such, feel free to PM me.

Thanks,
--terra[/color]
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[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1][FONT=Century Gothic]Here's some tips.

What does Izui/Izumi look like? Is she naked? Does she wear school girl clothes? Is she Asian or American? Is she a moron? Is she intelligent? What? what?

Do not use u instead of you. IT'S NOT A CHAT ROOM! Spend some time on it. Don't just rush.

The way you made Izui/Izumi making friends seems too fast.

[quote]it was recess.she took out her bottle,her sketchbook,a few pencils and a few sandwiches,walked towards a corner and sat down.....she was sketching away
so she didn't notice Mitsuki sneaking up on her.

''say.....that's pretty good......."
''huh,who are u?''
''my name's Atsuko Mitsuki...and i'm in 8-A-''
''oh,my name is Sohmuki Izumi and sadly...i'm in a different class...''
''never mind.....hey,let's be friends!we can't be in the same class...but we CAN go
recess together!''
''okay!''[/quote]

Huh? Let me play by play: WHERE THE HELL DID MISUKI COME FROM? Mitsuki should've been mentioned before this part.

[quote]It was recess.she took out her bottle,her sketchbook,a few pencils and a few sandwiches,walked towards a corner and sat down.....she was sketching away
so she didn't notice Mitsuki sneaking up on her.[/quote]

Mitsuki seems to be a random person. I mean c'mon, she appeared out of NO WHERE LIKE AN ALIEN!

[quote]''say.....that's pretty good......."
''huh,who are u?''
''my name's Atsuko Mitsuki...and i'm in 8-A-''
''oh,my name is Sohmuki Izumi and sadly...i'm in a different class...''
''never mind.....hey,let's be friends!we can't be in the same class...but we CAN go
recess together!''
''okay!''[/quote]

o.O;;;;. Lets be friends? Why?

[quote]But only Koji,Izumi,Mitsuki,Kamico Miyuki,Yamaki Yume,Kakurai Kirachi,Kisaji and Kariko and Hitomi Yukio can see them.[/quote]

Tell me, who the hell is Kamico, Yamaki, Kakurai, Kisaji, Kiriko, and Hitomi? Notice you put 2 ands in the same sentence?

[quote]when they reached the other side of the portal,they realised that they are in another world..the Element World/E world....and worse still...THEY ARE FALLING!!!!!!!!!![/quote]

WHAT THE HECK IS THE ELEMENT WORLD? In the begginning tell what the heck is the element world. So the reader will know, instead of saying " What the friggin **** has happened?"

More pointers:

Capitalization, correct grammar, and correct spelling (INCLUDING YOUR CHARACTERS NAMES!) is the way to go. PLus a little intro about the Element World, description of the charactrs you wrote, and use COMMON SENSE.

You should do a intro chapter first before the element world post. So the reader is aquainted to your story.

Good luck fellow author!

Note: Sorry if I sound harsh, but Jesus, it's like reading a different language![/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
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Guest Princess of Mer
:sweat: thankx guys/gals.......i know....it really sucks.......but i'm only 11+!

u can't xpect me to be very good!

i can sing and draw....but my stories suck!

so k...i'll rewrite it and put in into the litereature forum..

sorry!



k....i'm re-writing it.......fine with u people?!

k...basically... the Element World contains mermaids,elfs,pixies,dragons,wizards and witches and many folks that are special in thier own way.........

and there are changes...look out for them!

Description---------------------

Sohmuki Izumi---[e]Ice and Water,[s]Princess of the Mermaid Clan(Mer=Mermaid)&
also the Water Angel.Mer name=Rumiko(Rumi=me)Blue haired,blue eyed,and a little fishy......

Hikari Koji---[e]Light,[s]Animagus,snake. i made his surname a little more elemently
Brown haired,brown eyed,and why is he a snake?!
Hitomi Yukio---[e]Wind(well,she says so!),[s]Elf.I call her Gramma 'cuz........wel,it's not convienient to say it.she is also a membrr here and i KNOW her.she's my friend......sadly.Blonde,i think green eyed,and she's a*spoiler*

Atsuko Mitsuki---[e]Fire(well,i can't deny it now!),[s]Pixie.K.....she might be around here somewhere....soon.....and she's also my friend...strangely...we all call her Mit
.and her parents-1 englishman and a malay woman..and she's the real blonde!p.s her surname IS Brown!Pink haired,red eyes and she's bothering me with those pictures of Koji and Zoe doing stuff together,as in,ya,erm,boy and erm...girl?yes..Gross!

Yamaki Yume---[e]Dark/Psychic,[s]Pixie.another friend.she's the wierdo of our group
.red haired,red eyes,and a totally wierdo!(pls don't tell her!)

okay....that's all for now!


okay and heeeere we go!-----------

It was the first day of the whole school year.Everyone was excited about it,discussing what teacher will they get,who will they sit next to,and hey,there's going to be a new girl in the sixth grade!Wonder who she is...............
----------------------------------------------------------
''Why are they staring at me?Is there anything wrong about my outfit?Or my hair is messy?''Izumi thought.She was just transferred from another school and is feeling nervous.She was wearing a tank top , a pleat-fold skirt,a star hairclip,knee-length socks and school shoes.A person was moving towards her......oh!It's Mrs Chisori,the 6-3 teacher!

''Oh,come on in!Hurry up,or you are going to be late for class!''
--------------------------------------------------------
okay.....sorry,folks.....that this is only one-eigth the chapter...but i don't feel like writing now....so i'll continue later @ night!


[font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]Like James said, double/triple posting isn't actually allowed. So I've merged your posts. If you want some help or advice to do with OB [or writing, for that matter!], please feel free to PM me. ^.~ -- Lady Asphyxia[/color][/size][/font]
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Well, it's better, that's for sure (might wanna watch out. You're not suppose to double-post and triple-post is even worse :( )

I'm glad you cleaned up spelling and some grammar. Here's a tip, though: There's a space between sentences. I'll use a part of your chapter for example:

''Why are they staring at me?Is there anything wrong about my outfit?"

That should have a space between the two sentences like so:

''Why are they staring at me? Is there anything wrong about my outfit?"

Like I said before as well, use more description. Right now I'm very confused, I'm sorry to say. These different people are popping out of nowhere and a good description on their actions/looks/whatnot helps the reader a lot. Keep that in mind while you finish the chapter :D

Also, I suggest posting the whole chapter at once instead of in segments. Not only will that prevent you from double/triple-posting, but people will read your work. They usually don't if you don't post the whole chapter ;) Good luck.
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[color=#707875]Princess of Mer, please don't double (or triple, or quadruple) post. It's against the rules.

I appreciate that you're only young (and we all start somewhere when it comes to forums, right?), but it'd be really cool if you could read our rules page (on the blue bar to your left, just under the word "General"). That way, you can learn how OtakuBoards works and have a lot more fun on here. Thanks.[/color]
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Guest Princess of Mer
okay,thanks for reminding me on the rules thingy(:sweat: though i never read it....)

and sorrie,but i'm afraid this might be the end of the storie.

cuz'...

i'm gonna start another one with my palz and yes!idiot ver 0.1(mitsuki)is finally came baaaack from ovrrseas(actually,NZ to be exact...)and joined us 'ere! :babble:

dudes.........sorri.....

Izumi(Rumiko is the Mer side of me and usually my fierce side.)
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