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Needs poetic critics


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[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]I was thinking of entering my school's poetry competition so this is what I managed to come up with. Obviously as a school thing I had to make sure it was somewhat appropriate. I have just been having trouble trying to fix up a few lines and punctuation and would appreciate the suggestions. [/SIZE][/COLOR]

A terrible voice knocked me down
my vision flying asunder.
Next to me lay a wreckage,
a crazy dance began;
my head launching to break his foot.
Or, was it the other way round?
Sentences frayed before they started
as another pain made me frown
I had a really bad gut feeling.
The blood dripped with tears I didn't own,
A bitter silence came sweetly next.
Life didn't seem quite right,
Staring regretfully at the broken toy.

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Yes, I do realize some of the line flows are awful but, I'm in to win, so critique it. [/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Actually, what you need is a rating. As of December 1st last year, all threads in OB Anthology had to be rated for maturity. All threads that aren't rated are closed. To learn more about ratings, see [/size][/font][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"][font=Verdana][size=1][b]this thread[/b][/size][/font][/url][font=Verdana][size=1]. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Feel free to re-create the thread with the appropriate rating.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Thread closed.[/size][/font]
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