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Writing In Memoriam: Ducky. [E]


Charles
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Edit: I've accidentally fortgotten to include a thread rating. I tried to stop the page before the thread could be posted but it was too late. If someone could add an "E" rating it would be great. Thanks.

Rubber ducky, I loved you well.
Your memory makes my heart swell.
A golden phoenix of the bath,
Your squeaky chirping sparked my laugh.
I adored you long after I grew stubble.
You tickled my soul unlike any bubble.
Gracefully on the water's surface you'd float,
Your buoyancy far more enduring than soap.
But then one day I found you belly up--deflated!
Our happy baths in one fell swoop annihilated!
The precious sanctum that is my tub--violated!
Alas, you no longer bob to and fro.
From your beak water streams no longer flow.
Yet, I must go on, go on free of dirt,
I must keep moving and endure the hurt!
I must accept that you have matured into a swan.
I always knew you'd float onto better seas anon.
I hope you've found the magical bath you so deserve,
While keeping my humble memory on reserve.

[color=red][size=1]Thusly done, dear! ^.~ -- Asphy[/size][/color]
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[color=#9933ff]Awww. That's so sweet. Your poor little rubber ducky.

It's hard to make an aabbccdd (etc) rhyme scheme, so good job on that. Actually, I'm really bad at rhyming in general but if I had to do it like that, it probably wouldn't work. ^^; (limericks are about it for me.)

You never cease to amaze me. Cats, food, and now rubber ducks. Very very nice poem.[/color]
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[COLOR=DarkOliveGreen][SIZE=1]Your poems are always fun to read. I love your rhyming and how you always use shallow words. I'm always wary with its hidden meanings, though. lol

Oh, and I never had a rubber ducky. I suck. :( [/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[color=deeppink][size=1] Charles, you're great. I have to spend all day with these super-emo kids who write all this crappy poetry about how horrible their life is, and then I get to come home and read good poetry about simple, happy things (even though the ducky is dead...which is sad). You make my day. :)

I enjoyed what you did with this part:

"But then one day I found you belly up--deflated!
Our happy baths in one fell swoop annihilated!
The precious sanctum that is my tub--violated!"

It made me visualize someone reciting the poem while dancing melodramatically around a bathtub. Very funny and a nice way to mix up the rhyme scheme of the poem.

-Karma[/size][/color]
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It was good, but you've done better. I also didn't like that it rhymed every single line, personally. Any poetic/ rhythmic device is good, in moderation; when they're used so much they get tiresome easily and don't work well within a poem. This is just my opinion on the poem, so there you go. . .just too much rhyming. Perhaps I just wasn't in the mood for a poem like this, but nonetheless you deserve to be commended because of how much your poetry feels like it's your own: goofy and carefree, usually full of double entendres, as if you've grown but are still holding onto that inner child.
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Hey, a bit of feedback is better than none.

As usual, I appreciate your posts.

It should be noted that I never had a rubber ducky either. I probably wrote this poem partly out of my appreciation for Tennyson's "In Memoriam A..H.H." (although I borrowed nothing from the poem other than the name), and partly out of my subconscious regret for never owning a ducky of my own.

Your comments are super flattering and they make me both proud and grateful. So thanks. To know that at least a few of you enjoy my poems specifically makes it worth writing them. Heck, even if only one of you did, it'd validate it. :animesmil

Mitchy I'm grateful for your honest response as well. I suppose it is a valid criticism that I rhyme my poetry too much, but lately I've been in a sort of whimisical, song-like fit with my poetry. Writing lyrical children's poems is really relaxing and enjoyable for me. I'll take your gripe into consideration for sure though and try to deliver in that area next time.
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Honestly, I don't think the rhyming is so much of an issue. They work just fine, especially for the purposes of the piece. We're singing about a rubber ducky. I'd expect it to feel like a throwback to Sesame Street. ^_^

My only concern is the overall rhythm of the piece. A few lines break the flow, or at least feel like it, notably

[quote]I must accept that you have matured into a swan.[/quote]
The line is bulky and clumsy, particularly because of how well the previous lines beat.
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All right, I've finally gotten around to checking this thread again. I've made a revision based on Alex's suggestion. How is it now?

Rubber ducky, I loved you well.
Your memory makes my heart swell.
A golden phoenix of the bath,
Your squeaky chirping sparked my laugh.
I adored you long after I grew stubble.
You tickled my soul unlike any bubble.
Gracefully on the water's surface you'd float,
Your buoyancy far more enduring than soap.
But then one day I found you belly up--deflated!
Our happy baths in one fell swoop annihilated!
The precious sanctum that is my tub--violated!
Alas, you no longer bob to and fro.
From your beak water streams no longer flow.
Yet, I must go on, go on free of dirt,
I must keep moving and endure the hurt!
[B]Belive you have matured into a swan.
Trust you've floated on to better seas anon.[/B]
I hope you've found the magical bath you so deserve,
While keeping my humble memory on reserve.
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