Writing Un-doing the Damage of a Hidden Disaster - [E]

[Bullet Theory]

Here is a little poem I wrote not too long ago. I wanted to see what you guys thought of it! :animesmil Tell me whatcha think and any improvements you see that are needed!

"Un-doing the Damage of a Hidden Disaster"

Crawling on the floor trying to find a way to escape
Heart starting to pound after every beat
These walls are slowly converging on me
These words are the only thing keeping me alive
Because now...

I can return to the place I once called home
Return to the world that I once knew
Because now that you are back in my arms again
I can make amends for all the damage I've caused

Now as these walls begin to close in
I remember the times that we spent
Locked in eachother's eyes and hoping for the best
We held eachother so close that nothing else mattered
You and I had become one and the same and nothing could tear us apart
Because now...

Now I can return to the place I once called home
Return to the world that I once knew
Because now that you are back in my arms again
I can make amends for all the damage I've caused

Now I can return to you...

[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]This definitely has a song feel to it rather then poem, it even has a chorus lol. I like the idea of the poem and the meaning behind it, although I think you went a little overboard with the title. If I was to comment on it as a poem I'd probably have lots of critique but it just doesn't seem like one to me. There isn't a rhythm between sentences or verses, the feelings are expressed well throughout, but not smoothly. It reads like a clutter of thoughts, which would be good for a song, but poems are usually more reserved then lyrical.

From a song standpoint I do enjoy it. It shows lots of dedication to the subject of the writing and passion for the writing itself. I think it's an outlet for you rather then something I should critique, since it seems personal.[/SIZE]

[Bullet Theory]

Heh, yes it was originally meant to be a song. I don't even know why I called it a poem, really. I'll change it. It was an outlet for a certain situation I was, and still am, going through in my life, but that's how I release things. I almost always write a poem or song about it...either that or kick a soccer ball at a brick wall really hard.

I appreciate your comments. Tell your friends! Haha. I just like having my work judged, that way I can better myself as a writer.