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Writing what i would do for you [M]


ANTIWORLD
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I won't tell you can trust me as the angels do above me;I won't speak one word so you may be discover ;I will protect you as if i had no life; i will face your fears at the darkness of every light.This is all that is given from you to me i hope i don't lost it mentally or found in a pit of lost souls,but before that you will know how far i'll truly go.
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[quote name='ANTIWORLD']I won't tell you can trust me as the angels do above me;[/quote]

[size=1]Welcome to the OB, ANTIWORLD. Firstly, I enjoyed this poem (as a whole) because of the strong emotional flow. You can clearly feel the devotion, the love, being expressed here. I quoted that line because I was slightly confused on what you were trying to say. Maybe the way it's worded confused me."I won't tell you can trust...." that, in particular, is what I keep stumbling over. I know you're saying "I'm telling you that you can trust.." and I can see why you didn't just write that; it's simply too long. Perhaps there's another way to word that? [/size]

[quote]I won't speak one word so you may be discover[/quote]

[size=1]I don't know about anyone else, but I foud that to be the most beautiful line in this poem. It reminds me of when you have had a crush on a good person for so long, and you don't want to say a word of it because you want to watch over that person and see them come to realize your feelings [and come into their own]. It just makes for a sweeter relationship, I think. You develope a stronger bond, and that is what I saw in this poem. Bonding and strength, passion and care. [/size]
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You're only 16 so I can understand why your writing isn't as. . .developed as it could be. In this piece, there are many grammatical errors and overall this overshadows the meaning of the poem and gets in the way of the reader.

Also, poetry's unit is the line, not the paragraph and not sentences in some cases. I understand poetry is all about horsing around with words till they work, and even going against tradition, but to me the line is very suitable for poetry. "Prosetry," as is what I'd call this piece, can work, but for the purposes of this poem, and you as a developing writer, should use the line.

So, I'll give some suggestions to you and help you along the way, and I'll also explain a few. . .tricks, for lack of a better word, that will help you develop at poetry better.

[quote]I won't tell you can trust me as the angels do above me;[/quote]

I had to read this line about three times because it's so awkwardly worded. I really don't even fully grasp, as a reader, what you're trying to say here, either. Could you tell me, simply, what you're trying to say in this line? It definitely needs to be changed or worded better as to draw the reader in better; as is, it's a large stumble right at the beginning of the poem and off-putting to a reader, which may make them not even read the rest of your poem.


[quote]I won't speak one word so you may be discover ;[/quote]

Do you mean discovered? If not, explain to me what you're trying to say and we'll try to word it better. As is, this isn't working, either. It doesn't even make sense.

[quote]I will protect you as if i had no life;[/quote]

I'd pretty much leave this line as-is. It makes sense and is fine.


[quote] i will face your fears at the darkness of every light.[/quote]

This is fine as well.

[quote]This is all that is given from you to me i hope i don't lost it mentally or found in a pit of lost souls,but before that you will know how far i'll truly go.[/quote]

This is very convoluted and doesn't make any sense. Firstly, I'd either separate this into separate lines, or I'd cut it down quite a bit. Poetry is all about saving your words and getting them just right. Also, ". . .i hope i don't lost it mentally or found in a pit of lost souls" makes no sense whatsoever, either. Do you mean "I hope I don't get lost mentally or found in a pit of souls"? Still, that itself is very convoluted and needs work. Just saying, "I hope I don't get lost in a pit of souls" works far better.

So if I were to break it into lines, and give some suggestions for what I thought didn't make any sense (as far as I can tell what you were trying to say), it would look like this:

[quote]I can tell you won't trust me as the angels do above me
I won't speak one word so you may be discovered

I will protect you as if i had no life
I will face your fears at the darkness of every light.

This is all that is given from you to me
Before that you will know how far i'll truly go.[/quote]

Remember, I'm just giving suggestions. . .do what you will with it; it's your creature. I'm just guiding you along so you can get better at this.

Overall this isn't bad for as young of a writer as you are. You show talent. . .but talent doesn't equal ability. Just work at it.

As for some tricks. . .mainly, always remember that poetry is grounded in the physical. The more specific and less abstract the better. Notice how your poem consists of mainly an abstraction. Words such as "life" or "darkness" or "light" or "fears" dot it. While these words serve to show some things, they don't truly show much at all. These types of words are so used and just abstract overall that they don't make the reader feel anything specifically. . .instead it would be better to be specific about these emotions or feelings you have. Yes, it's love, but love is very cliche; everyone's heard about it. You've got to make it different in some way. . .not so hackeneyed.

Also, poetry is all about figurative language. This is how you're able to communicate an abstraction so a reader can understand it. By pairing an abstraction to something physical, you're able to communicate a direct feeling that feels new and is sharp and quick. Similies (that is, using like or as for a comparison) are one component of figurative language. They should be avoided in poetry as much as possible. Instead, use a metaphor (comparison that doesn't use like or as). A metaphor is a more dense similie. . .it's sort of like a shorthand version of a similie. And poetry is all about density - it's about having more than meets the eye there - saying something in as few words as possible but saying so much. Usually you can convert a similie into a metaphor by just removing the like or as, in other cases it's harder. But it's good to keep a thing like this in mind.
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[quote name='ANTIWORLD']well thanks for the tricks but the way i worded is the why it is , see i just do what i feel and read between the lines of each time i write.oh yeah i was wondering on how i could make it better ...help[/quote]

Well writing it like that isn't helpful to a reader whatsoever. That's personal poetry and should stay locked away where only you can read it. If you post something here, then that means you intend for a reader to be able to comprehend it and understand it. Having grammatically incorrect language to the point where you can't understand it fully isn't helping a reader whatsoever. So, what I'm saying is this poem is for the reader; hence you have to take steps so the reader can understand it, not you.

I gave many suggestions up above to help you out. Point out specifically what you need help on and I'll do my best to aid you.
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wait now that i think about it i don't need no help or tricks ,see i'll put it like this it came from the soul and no words nor any tricks could help my poem. I may not have a lot of people who will understand it but those who will are going to luv it :animesigh
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