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Writing There you'll be. [PG]


Annie
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[size=1]Well, this is something new for me. I like poetry, but have never been able to write it. However, someone's pushed at me to attempt and work at it. This one is a work-in-progress, and I'll probably clean it up more later on down the road. But I'm just curious to see what others thought of it. So, here goes:

[i]Conforming needs of society
force you to bend the back,
Broken and bleeding,
I saw you
strewn beside your
Pride

Helpless and desperate
for desertion, while
begging for attention,
I heard you
crying before your
Strength

Confirmation for existence,
I basked in your
scraping for reason,
Woe, misery is Me,
became your
Master

Redemption towards loathsome
emotions,
I found you
hopelessly corrected,
and swallowed your
Soul[/i][/size]
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This is much better than the first version of this poem I read. I like how you've made it more grounded in the physical, so the reader actually knows what's going on to an extent. This is most definitely a step in the correct direction. Overall I like the pseudorepetition in it. I also like how taut many of the lines are.

This is really a lot more impressive than your older version. I really don't know what else to say, to be honest. I was thinking the "scraping for reason" line sounded a bit odd. . .maybe you could word that better. Basically, a this point, you just need to horse around with it more till you get it as good as you can get it. This involves mainly messing with word choices and so on. . .

If you need some more help, just ask me and I'll try to give some suggestions.
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[size=1]Thanks kindly. Hehe, yeah..the original version was more of a skeleton, and now I'm adding the muscles and skin. But yeah "scraping for reason", that line may get changed another couple times. I kept revising it on Word, but nothing really appealed to me...I'll keep working on the entire piece, of course.[/size]
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