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Writing Oh you. [PG]


Annie
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[size=1][i]Perhaps this should've been rated M for the ending, but I swear it isn't about what it sounds like, lol. It's harmless ^^[/i]

Stand me high--no, make that
highest. Listen, please, don?t be
shy or modest. I want to reach
out, up, and all around.

I want to feel his texture--the
ceiling?s delicate popcorn--
flake loose. We?ll smile,
watching them fall around us.

Stretch a bit now, babe. Breathe
in, breathe out; take in
my happiness.
Let it fill you with the
joy I?ve longed to share.

Do come closer, darling. I can
look amazing, dazzling even.
But, I need you to
feel me.

You?ll feel a tingle, you?ll
wish to mingle. You?ll call out to me
with a slight jingle.

Promise is my word;
I?ll shine brightly for you. [/size]
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[size=1][i]I took out a few things, wrote in a few things. I've noticed I have the idea in my mind, but I'm not really letting it out..so the poem made sense to me, but not to the reader. I hope this revision works better. I like it better, actually. [/i]


Stand me high--no, make that
highest. Listen, please, don?t be
shy or modest. I want to reach
and touch it.

I want to feel the texture--the
ceiling?s delicate popcorn--
flake loose. We?ll smile,
watch them fall around us;
just as the snow dances
in winter?s puff.

This ?once a year? kills me.
and I fear
will you remember me? Or will
you keep me tucked away.

String me up with
beautiful memories, decorate
me with glitter and glisten.
Sing as loud as you can;
I will listen.

My reds and greens light
up precious toys, the gifts
I bear for
girls and boys.[/size]
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"winter's puff" is awkward.

i see that the entire meaning of this poem has become the personification of a tree. to me, anyway.

the "this once a year" stanza isn't effective enough, either. it's not about the tree, really. it's too vague to a reader. it needs to be more specific: vested in things. or, it could be gotten away with as well.



i'll mess with it to help you out.

[quote]Stand me high--no, make that
highest. Listen, please, don?t be
shy or modest. I want to reach
and touch it.

I want to feel the texture--the
ceiling?s delicate popcorn--
flake loose. We?ll smile,
watch them fall around us,
snow falling outside
the window.

String me up with
memories, decorate
me with glitter and glisten.
Sing as loud as you can;
I will listen.

My reds and greens light
up precious toys,
gifts I bear for
girls and boys.[/quote]

remember, don't use my messing. just read it and get what help it gives you.

it just doesn't feel [i]finished[/i] though. it feels like it needs more - it just doesn't come together cohesively enough (refer to my IM rubbish for help concerning this). it also needs an ending that feels like an ending. my suggestion is talk about how the tree is taken down each year, sort of forsaken, and either it decays (if it is a real one) or it sits, taken apart (if it's fake). that would work suitably, because if i was a tree i would be angry for that type of a thing.
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