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Writing Retri's Library [PG-LV]


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[size=1]I don't plan on keeping an index of my works on here, but I like the title. So there.

Anyway, this'll just be a thread where I can post my poetry and prose for feedback. I have a few .txt files of poetry just rotting away on my hard drive, so I'm letting the world see. Please feel free to post whatever you think about them. I'm game for all types of feedback, but no flames. That's all I ask.

I have more to post, but I'll see what type of feedback I get on this, if any, before adding more. Enjoy!

[b]The Children[/b]
You drink the neon
intoxicating reflections of
windows and hills of metal
-humans were here

where radios have conversations
where we don't sleep
where we produce magnificence.

jewel of thechildren
[INDENT] thechildren

[b]Remember You Must Die[/b] -- (Memento Mori)
Remember you must die
Remember you must die

The throne is red
The throne is red
With the coup of the people
With the hypocracy of the

Tragedy in high places
all the same
you die like a dog at the end of the day

With the coup of the people
With the hypocracy of the


You're more mute than I
I swear you are
The man under the bridge said it so


i t s j u s t a LIE
i t s j u s t a SILENCE
i t s j u s t a MAN

The mute speaks nonsense
More circular logic than my broken radio
Please control yourself, sir.[/size]
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Guest kuroinuyoukai
I like them. The second one is a little morbid but good. They are simple but have I feel a lot of meaning in them. They, in my opinion, could also be used as lyrics. These poems are refreshing and a nice change from the poems with complicated words and mile long posts. I enjoyed reading them very much and would like to see more of them. Great work, Retribution!!
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[COLOR=Purple]ai, very deep, I like that. Lyrical as well. I think I understand the point you are trying to get across, especially the last one which was fairly blunt (I like that, though). The only thing that I don't quite understand is the line "you drink the neon" Are you meaning as in neon lights? Anyway, I love them all, namely the third as it reminds me of my own (god that sounded coceited >_<). Great job, lets hear more.[/COLOR]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[SIZE=1]I love how you played with the words-- Not just the meanings of them, but the structure from an artistic view. The letters flow differently than 'normal' peotry. Actually, just by looking at it and reading it, it is more of a piece of art than a poem. (<-- This is more directed towards the first and third.)

The second one is, yes, slightly more morbid than the other two. It's more poetic in pronunciation than the other two as well.

I can't give you much to improve on, since I really like them the way they are =P[/SIZE]
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[size=1]Thanks for the comments, everyone. Here's another piece you all might like.

[b]The Darker Side of War[/b]

The fight-or-flight response left my arms twitching and shivering uncontrollably as I gazed down the barrel of a German eight-millimeter Mauser rifle. The man aiming it at me whispered in his twisted pig latin, and when I did not respond, began to yell in a panicked, offensive tone.

My life did not flash before my eyes. I did not beg for mercy. The only hint of humanity on my wild face was a stream of adrenaline running down my mud-caked cheek. My teeth chattered for mercy behind sealed lips, taut with fear and anxiety. My loaded savior lay useless, two feet away from my frozen limbs.

When he pulled the trigger, we both knew we were dead. When his gun muttered an empty, hollow click, dead silence suffocated us both. An instant of peace ensued, quickly followed by a brutal scramble to my pistol, and ended with his screams of effort as I wrested my ticket out of Holland from his twisted wrist, and unloading its mighty messenger into his writhing chest.[/size]
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[COLOR=purple]Kick. Ass. I love it! I could totally picture everything that was happening! I can relate to some of those topics, not from experience but from my poetry (the depiction of battle and the tears of adrenaline) though yours was better. I love the level of description that went into every action. [/COLOR]
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[SIZE=1]Wow. That was simply amazing.

A dark, morbid story of death and war---Brilliant in it's utter sorrow. 'The Darker Side of War'... That is the perfect name for this. I have absolutely no critique to offer because, as always Retri, you've astounded me with your art. So beautiful, so heartbreaking... I just had to comment.

*Applauds* =D[/SIZE]
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