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Writing Various Poems [PG]

Solo Tremaine

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[color=#503f86]There's no real reason for this thread to be a PG in terms of violence, sexualness or language, but it's just a little too mature to be an E.

Anyway, it's very rare that I write poetry but I've gone and written two poems in one night ^_^; I also thought I'd include the one I wrote ages and ages ago to get some fresh eyes on it- I rediscovered it last night and forgot I'd written it.

This is the first. I wrote it after a friend of mine had been going through trouble- it was more a reflection of how [i]he[/i] felt rather than myself, but I know it also applies to times in my own life, too.

[b]In Your Eyes[/b]
I look around my room
At the things we did together.
"Forever," you'd said.
I never thought
That forever would end.

You're not here.
It's like you never were.
The things we did all scattered and torn
Colours fade to grey,
And I look...

Into your eyes, the photos that call me
I want to be that love that I see
In your eyes.
I want to be the one who holds you.
I want to be the one who's reflected
In your eyes.

I walk around
To the places we went together
I look, and I see
What we used to be.
Who I used to be before I lost you.

I'm not here.
I could have never been here.
My mind collapses into tiny shards
Of a dream I might have once had.
And I see...

In your eyes, staring at me
I want to be the love that I was
In your eyes.
I want to be held by you.
I want to be an immortal reflection
In your eyes.

Next, a slightly darker one:

[b]Fly To The Sun[/b]
[/color][color=#503f86]It?s midnight in here; the cave of my creation.
The darkness?s emptiness brings solace in me.
Yet you still remain to bring me to life
How much hope can you hold?

I won?t return to you; fly to the Sun and find your own personal heaven.
This cave is built for one.

I can?t see your face in the cave of my creation-
The blindness at night is a warmth to myself.
Your tears of frustration will go unattended
Why are you still hanging on?

I won?t return to you; fly to the Sun and find your own personal heaven.
This cave is mine alone.

It wasn?t meant this way; the cave of my creation.
My memories you held were supposed to fade.
But your refusal to leave resulted in this
And I will love you no more.

Fly to the Sun,
Fly to the Sun,
Fly to the Sun,
Your happiness awaits you.
Fly to the Sun,
Fly to the Sun,
Fly to the Sun,
I am not your heaven.

I am lonely enough in the cave of my creation;
Feelings of love cannot damage me here.
I?ll stay in my cave till I?m truly alone
And I?ll emerge myself again.[/color]

[color=#503f86]I only finished this one about five minutes ago, so I'm eager to know what people think of it. It's... not a subject I enjoy touching upon very much, but it's quite pertinent at times.

The third one was the one I started first this evening, and I found it much harder than the other two. Perhaps I was trying to force myself to be inspired, which is why Fly To The Sun came so much more fluidly. Anyway, it's got a fairly rudimentary sense of rhythm to it but it scans pretty weirdly, kind of like a song translated from another language. This is more uplifting than the previous two, and I'm intending it to be linked with a series of stories I'm developing.

[b]On These Precious Wings[/b]
The clouds and their shadows grow darker than grey
I look up above at the overcast sky
And wonder?
As I lie empty, I?m soothed by the rain
The cold air stirs the depths of my heart
I reach out?

On wings of silver I fly to my dream
My mind is free to soar
I trust in myself that my thoughts remain true
And my dream is always ablaze

Cascades of raindrops destroy all my tears
I feel alive in the breath of the storm
It frees me?
I start to run, trying to find you
Reflections of you echo in dreams
I?ll find you?

On wings of gold I fly to the future
My body?s strength takes flight
I?d been afraid to follow the course
I?d always meant to tread

The skies are clearing, the rainfall has ceased
Dancing through puddles that once halted my step
And I feel?
The horizon ahead will never hold me
And all the tomorrows that I ever face
Will take me?

On these precious wings I fly to you
My heart and soul arise
Finding my way to your side once again
Will be my journey?s end

I'm not quite as happy with this as I am with the other two. Something about it just doesn't feel right to me.

I've noticed that I use repetition of a key phrase a lot. I don't know if it necessarily makes it more effective- you tell me, heh. Any thoughts/comments/questions about any of the poems will be greatly appreciated, heh ^_^[/color]
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[COLOR=Purple]Oh my god those were awesome! The first one was totally cool and I loved the format of it. The second was interesting though I half-wished the guy would finally accept the love intead of pushing it away but that can't alter the greatness of it. The last was actually probably my favorite, as it was ver descriptive and mystical. I love the line 'cascades of raindrops destroy all my tears' brilliant. I actualy sort of like the repitition as it make the poems longer without looking too repititious. My poems usually end up shorter and I can't stand that! [/COLOR]
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