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Writing Lake of Blood. the fan fic version. [PG -- LSV]


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Here the only version that isn't the comics true story. So this is the same thing but different ftom my Manga.

Deltokden awakens in aweird world after he goes through the portal.

Del: AHHHH I,m up. Man what a nightmare I dreamt I was in my underwear at a world championship football game. But why was I a cheerleader? Where am I? Oww my ass! WHAT!!!!!! a sword was lodged in my bum. Why my bum? whats that say on it? Bloodshadow. what a weird name well what the heck is it doing in my room? Wait a minute a draft, but my room has no windows. When did i get grass put in. an a tree, a sign and a Giant squirrel. AHHHHHH! a giant squirrel!

Squirrel: Ya haven't ever seen a five foot squirrel?

Del:No never.

Squirrel:well look at you humans ya got those weird things on ya.

Del:Ya thats my... wait a minute where am I?

Squirrel:You's in Bloma ZetZon world capital.

Del:Ze wha?


Del:thanks for the spit!


TO be Cont.

Sorry its short. I will make the next longer.

Del: Well wonder why 'm here.


Del:Who's there? whoever you are I have a sword!! (thinking) wish mommy was here. what am I saying I have no mom, I'm seventeen, andiI have a spellbook and this bloodshadow. Come on out!


Del:AWW hell. I'm a gonner.



Graden:Better believe it. like my weapon?

Del:its sweet. You found shuriken, where?

Graden:Those guys should know.

Del:Graden who are those men.

Graden:They said there enforcers of...Anubis.

Enforcer: halt! you are under arrest.

DEl:Not if I have a say in it! Hyaazaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slice sling!!

Del:Time to use this book! JA'CT!!!!!

Enforcer: men attack!!!!

Enforcers: yes sir.

Graden: Double Shuriken combine! Hyaaa!


Enforcer 1: Augghhhh!

Enforcer 2: yahhhhh!!!

Enforcer: My Me...


Del:Take that moron!!! eww blood get it off me!!!! :animecry:

Graden: uuugh good job dude.

Del:(sniffle) thanks.

To be cont in EPS 3

EPS 3 Campfire story (The dramatic part of the fanfic.) [PG-L]

lets just talk about Deltokdens past.
His parents died when he was ten. A man in a weird armored suit killed his parents in front of him. He now lives in his mansion...Alone. He does not seem changed after this experience though, and tries to act calm, cool, and collected.
now back to the current story.

Del and Graden light a fire on their first day in ZetZon.

Graden:Why ya so gloomy? Probobly because ya haven't seen Zara in 4 hours.

Del:Graden shut up now.

Graden:just kidding. So why are you sad.

Del:This sword reminds me of my parents...and my first love.

Graden:oooooooo awwwwwwww


Graden:OKAY OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Del:This sword remindes me of how it happened. And those men do also. My parents were killed by...one of them. I act happy all the time to get the memory away but I'm crap oughta luck. My first love was Leann Zudaray. She and I were as tight as 0 size pants on a 500 pound dog. She was the one girl who listened to me, besides Zara.

Graden: Ya I remember you were so nervouse around her once ya peed yourself. Fish head cassserole.

Del: Yuck! i'll take the beans.

Graden: No not beans anything but beans!!!!!!! :animecry:

Del:Graden that was you that day. Anyway Me and leann loved eachother more
than atraining weels love bikes. Until that fatal day at school... It was the fishsticks man the fishticks. They killed her. Sounds funny but its true. I cried all nigt for the next year.

Graden:Whats that have to do with swords?

Del:Oh I meant that horror flick we saw. .but when I think about her I sulk.


Graden:Need air need air.

Del:oh thats not that UGGGGHHHHHH bad.

The two fainted from the fumes. But it wasn't the beans.

EPS4 Captured

???:Wake the hell up!!!!

Del:Wha? Oh wheres Graden.!

Graden:Check under you.

Deltokden got off of Graden and walked to the man who woke him up.

Del:Who are you

???:Dess Guardongo from planet Hellderander

Del:2 Questions. 1.Why are you here in this world and not on your home planet,and 2.Did you capture us?

Dess:To help Anubis kill some of ZetZon's beasts to get their spirits and yes, i did capture you. But besides the point Sshut yer mouth!

Del:Okay then.

Graden:Can I talk?

Dess:NO!Now come with me.

The 3 go to a stadium like room where the see Zara. Who is Deltokdens secret love.


Zara:Del!Save me!

Del:On my way!

Dess: Shadow blade!!!!

Dess's sword misses deltokden but a black mist captured Him.

Del:Crap! Who the hell do you think you are?

Dess:I think my name is Dess Guardongo. Now draw your sword!


TO BE CONT in EPS 5 Bllodshadow the transformation.

Dess: Draw your sword!

Del:Can't I don't have pen or paper.

Dess: you know what I mean!

Del:Okay then. now there!

Dess:Ehem!! Get in your stance.

The two get in their stance. They are prepared to fight.

Dess:You are ignorent for excepting my challenge. HYAA!

Dess swing diagnolly but misses, he then hits Deltokden during the second strike.

Dess:Too easy! The boy is weak and knows nothing of his sword. Wait where is he anyway?

Del:check above you!

Del gives Dess a direct hit Dess knocks him foreword and gives Del a Direct hit as well. Del counters and brings the sword up and flips as he slashes Dess with his sword. Dess grabs Del and slams him into the ground. Del gets out hits Dess and pushes him several yards away. Dess gets up with a happy smirk on his face.

Dess:What fun! you are skillful after all.

Del: I don't know how to fight, the sword just acted on its own. I just moved my feet and thought It was me.

Dess: (thinking) That could only mean one thing but lets see if he has the other thing.

Del: Okay now time to read a new spell...This one. Ummmm Raza'ct!

A claw comes from the ground and slashes Dess with its nails.

Dess; (thinking) Yes he is the weilder of the Bloodshadow! Then that means I must kill him once and for all. Fine kid time to get revenge on you. Shadow blade sakuyanmay!!

A spiral of demonic energy flows at Deltokden.

Del:Damn i'm dead. Wait this sword.!

The sword glows an then transforms his whole arm into armor. He blocks back Dess's powerful attack back at him.

Dess: AUGGH!!!! Anubis transport me back to HQ.

Del:I think we haven't seen the last of him.

A couple Dozen Enforcers surround them zara out of her chaccles brings out two daggers and readies for battle.

TO BE CONT IN EPS 6 Another villian pops up.
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[COLOR=#503F86]I think if you're going to make this as a fanfic version (i.e. as a novel rather than a comic) then you'll need at least some indication as to narrative between lines of dialogue lines- what a character does, what he sees, etc and at least some indication of how he gets into a situation in the first place. Here's there's no explanation of anything, no introduction, things are mentioned without any prior knowledge of them even having existed in the first place and expected at act as major plot points. When you draw a story in comic form you don't need that so much because you can see what kind of situation the character's in and how they react. But here, it's lacking pretty much everything.

It's all very well saying 'he wakes up in another world', but there's nothing beforehand to even suggest it wasn't his world in the first place. Where did he find the portal? What kind of world did he live in before? Where does this strange world exist? Did he know about it? Are we supposed to know about it? Although judging by the way the plot um... unravels, I'm guessing we should. Set up the story first, then go into the action.

Jokes are really only funny if they're well-presented or have some kind of set-up beforehand- just capitalising insults or lengthening sounds won't work. Timing and phrasing is incredibly important to provide the right effect, and that's equally so when it comes to action and character development.

But that's only scratching the surface of what needs doing to make this presentable. I'd suggest reading over a basics of storywriting tuorial or something before writing anything else, if you can find one.[/COLOR]
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