Writing Gates of the Judged (M)- Please critique

[Noir_vagabond]

Scarlet red was the silhouette, the dress of a sadistic symphony.
Thrones of gold and shadowed crimson harmony.
Am I lost within the sphere of redundant liars?
Or am I drowning upon the pier of denial?
Poked through until the rib cage is forever pulled from the hide in which it breathes
Is a replica of myself an obliteration of what I could be.
Torn apart flesh leaving its rotted coagulated pieces of blood on the floor
Is the eradication of the astral procjection of what I was
Taking back being guilty shaking my head as I stand on trial
Wanted by the masses, denying my exile
Am I ready to take up my sword
Made from my own twisted spinal chord
Shall I fight for homicidal justice?
Shall I crawl from those who want my breath
Am I ready to leave my past crimes unrecorded
Before I freely accept my death

[echoavalon]

You do have an amazing talent and you should consider writing professionally. I would like to see more of your work.

[2010DigitalBoy]

That is crazy and freaky as shit and I LOVE IT!!!!! At first I was offthrown by the length of the lines, but then I started reading it as if I were the lead singer in the Mars Volta singing, and it all made sense! Oh, the delicious morbidity (is that a word?) of it all!

Torn apart flesh leaving its rotted coagulated pieces of blood on the floor

That is freaking disgusting. You are awesome. Also, I love the word coagulated. I am now going to use it like mad.