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Writing "Tempest" - [G]


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[B]The Tempest[/B]

This ocean has overtaken me
A new life begins on this ship that is my heart
Set sail for a horizon drenched in flames
Yet show no fear

And in these times of torture
Hold up your hands in hope
Break apart the chains that bind you to this despair
Opening your eyes, soaking in what is before you
Let's ride through this storm prepared for the worst
Maybe one day we will reach the shore

Always know that I will return to you
Before this is over we shall know what it is to love again

Now gaze upon what I have placed in front of you
Take all you can, ask no questions
All that is left is you, me, and the rest of the world
Let's conqure the seas
Take ease in knowing that I'll be here
Take comfort in the trust we share

Always know that I will return to you
Before this is over we shall know what it is to love again

Unleash what you hold
Unleash everything that you've been told
Unleash these emotions that you keep within
Unleash it upon me once again

Always know that I will return to you
Before this is over we shall know what it is to love again

Until we reach our destination, know this:
A seige shall befall this vessel
Can we stay afloat?
Will we make it to daybreak?
Grab this wheel and guide us to oblivion
I'll navigate this immaculate tempest

Hold up your hands in hope
Hold up your hands

Always know that I will return to you
Before this is over we shall know what it is to love again
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  • 2 weeks later...
Nothing in this world is origional. Wether intentionally or unintentionally, everything is a copycat of something. With that in mind, I've heard about every line of this poem before. Not to say it isn't good, it's just totally not innovative. Your word coices are good, but kind of bland. When I speak this poem, I get bored of myself.

So... yeah not bad just keep trying.
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  • 3 weeks later...
There are some parts in your poem which breaks its consistency.
especially this part:
"Unleash what you hold
Unleash everything that you've been told
Unleash these emotions that you keep within
Unleash it upon me once again"
Comment:
Since your main object used is about seas, boats and weathers, it would be good if your main stanzas should have an element of what i mentioned in the first clause.

Also this one:
"Hold up your hands in hope
Hold up your hands"
Comment:
It is abruptly stopped. if you want to do this interchange them, or if you have a better idea then do it.

This one as well:
"Let's conqure the seas"


Comment:
You shouldn't join Let and us together, since this is a poem it is like gluing a bottle and a cap.

"This ocean has overtaken me
A new life begins on this ship that is my heart
Set sail for a horizon drenched in flames
Yet show no fear"
Comment:
This stanza also especially the last line because all of the upper lines are long and your last line is very short. it is like a sudden drop of energy.

"I'll navigate this immaculate tempest"
Comment:
Like in the let and us part.

Ok, now for the structure. I know this is a modern style poem, but the words you used are kind of deep which makes it not catchy for me. Give it a rhyme or something. Your structure is also unorganized. I know this is also part of a modern style poetic wrtiting, but always keep in mind that it is hard or irritating to read an scattered article.4-6-2-6-2-4-2-6-2-2 is your order, either make a pattern for it or if you have a better idea do it. that is for me. And this part as well
"Always know that I will return to you
Before this is over we shall know what it is to love again" You used this four times without changing any of the words which makes it redundant. It is like using your name in a sentence over and over again. Find a substitute for it but make its meaning the same. You can at least use it twice, that is ok or give a pattern or make it catchy if you don't want to change it.

I don't know what will others say. All my comments are based on my opinion. Other stuffs in your poem are ok, but still needs improvement.This is all what i can say about it. Don't feel sad or offended about my comments, it lets you know what i think about it and may make room for improvement.
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