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Writing im new at this so someone read this and make me feel welcom


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It was dark,a shadow creeped out from behind a building like a bulet.A voice from the shadow had sighed with relief,"feh...that was easy..."Sudenly a sharp yell rolled across the yard."HIEI!!!!GET BACK HERE!!" Hiei ran for his life,obviously someone was out to kill him!!unfourtanetly he wasnt fast enough...and thats hard to say because he's pretty fast!sudenly he stoped...standing in front of him was...his girlfriend!?!?!?!!??!

"Hiei...its your turn to do the dishes..."she said calmly but obviously annoyed."damn!"he said to himself, "And i almost got away too!"
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hiei walked back to his house...he hated doing the dishes...kinda pitifull really...atleast thats was i thought. i was laughing at him all the way back to the house,"You thought you could get away from me??????ha!""can you please stop...?"Hiei noted."stop...?im sorry...BUT ITS JUST SO DAMN PITTIFUL!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

they entered the house...Hiei was ready for the worst...he entered the kitchen and he saw. . .All the dishes wer clean and sparkleing!!!"oops...i gusse i got a little out of hand and did them for you..heh heh hhhhhhh..." "you mean...all that moking...for no reason..and making me look like a fool on the otaku boards..."Hiei twitched...

to be continued...
(will hiei kill me?)
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Guest dayday
That's a interesting story. But I really don't like to lie so...that was the most pitiful thing I've even seen. Can you atleast make it readable (sp). Like make paragraphs or something. Press enter. You have one person talking and then another one with no space between them. Please learn how to write a little better.
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Hiei looked up at me like he was about to rip my head off.

"Now Now Hiei...i mean... its not that embarassing...heh heh...see at least you dont have to do the dishes!!" I said trying to calm him down.

Hiei started thrashing about the house, breaking this and that.

"Hiei," I said as I got him pinned to the floor finaly,"Dont you have some thing to do, some evil monster to kill??? Maybe just kill that klutz kuwabarra? Im not used to having you home...now im going to let you up and your going to calm down ok...?"

Hiei nodded.

I let him up and he dusted him self off."Heh sorry, i got carryed away...no big deal... any way if the otaku board people say anything about it I'll kill 'em...heh, heh, heh."

To Be Countinued:

(sorry about the spelling and grammer mistakes in the first two sections)
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Guest dayday
That's ok, just helping out. That was much better. But if I got Hiei pinned on the floor I'd do more than try to calm him down. ^_~ hehe
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Hiei grabbed his coat and slung it over his shoulder in that sexy sort of way he always did to tease me...

"Where do you think YOUR going?!?"i asked as he opened the door.

"Maybe i WILL go kill kuwabara, it'd be more fun than staying around here!heh heh heh,"he replied adding a little chuckle.

"Oh so its fun you want..." i said grabing him by the arm,and pinning him up against the wall, starting to nibble on his ear.

suddenly he broke away and appeared behind me."thats not exactly what i had in mind..."he said as he accualy pinned ME against the wall and pressing his lips against mine and, as funny as it is, we both, simultainiusly, opened or mouthes a little for a harder kiss.

the he broke away again but this time appearing at the door saying,"Im sorry i,ve got to go but trust me im not going to be goofing off teasing that klutz Kuwabara!"

*sigh*I slid to the floor tired from the day. i had been running around almost EVERYWHERE doing this and that."maybe ill just...sleep...here..." i said as i dozed off...

To Be Countinued:
(damn,im serrious im tired!)
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Guest dayday
Who said I didn't want to kiss Hiei? Anyways nice add. And I still never get to finish my stories. I forget about them sooner or later. Don't be like me. Keep writing.
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I woke up the next morning in bed,"hiei, heh," i said to myself when i noticed a note on the end table.

"Whats this?Hiei if this is some kind of joke like you did before, righting out a Will...your sure gunna need it!!" i practically yelled accross the room as i picked up the note. it read as the following:


No this is not a fake will, although i thought that was a pretty funny joke,but i want you to know im going to be out for the day like usual but i want you to meet me some where. Go out into the city, and find C A Almond St. when you do turn right and go down that street(i forgot the name) all the way down untill the first fountain. I should be around there but if you see Kurama, ask him where i am, trust me, HE'LL KNOW!

[FONT=courier new]Hiei[/FONT]

I slid back into the covers and went back to sleep.

As soon as i woke up i checked the time: 4:53. Almost 5, i thought, i should start getting ready.

As i started out of the house i thought about what Hiei could have ment by " ask Kurama, he'll know".But soon enough i found C A Almond St. and was on my way. I went all the way down the next street until the first fountain and sure enough Kurama was sitting on the edge of the fountain, looking around.

I snuck up be hind him and as soon as i said "Kurama?" he jumped up and yelled in fright. "Oh, its just you... yes and Hiei should be here any moment..."

I slammed him upside the head and he fell face first into the pavement.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" He said as he jumped up from the floor.

" Where's Hiei... This isnt like him..."i said slowly and, suprisingly, calmly!

" Heh... yeah i gusse your pretty special for Hiei of all people to act like this *sigh*" I could tell he was just trying to bug me.I slamed him into the ground again.

"you deserved that..." This time he stayed down, " done eating pavement?"i asked with not even a hint of sarcasem. "muhm!" he said through a mouth full of cemment.

To Be Continued:[FONT=arial]Hiei[/FONT] [FONT=century gothic]Hiei[/FONT]
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Guest dayday
Hey, you reuined Kurama's beautiful face. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can't wait to read the next part. Get on while your mom's at work.
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  • 2 weeks later...
Kuramam stayed on the ground...smart choice!

Suddenly Hiei appeared,and soon enough his mouth was as full of pavement as Kurrama's.

"Hiei where have you been?You scared me..."i said suprisingly calmly but you could tell i was worried.

"Hey im sorry,ill make it up to you,"He said slinging his arm around my shoulder,"You can go now Kurama."

"AAAAWWWWWWW! But i wanted to see this! :bawl: " He said sarcastically.I lifted my index finger and pointed at him as i revved up my spitit gun.He imedeatly backed off saying,"ok ok no need to get nasty now!"

Me and Hiei walked down the street,"where are we going?" i asked."Well before we go anywere we need touse up about 15 minuts."

He noticed i looked counfused."Sit," He said as we passed a park bench . "you didnt really sleep all day did you?" we both let out a laugh and for 15 min we talked(mostely about kuwabara).


Hiei's watch went off,"ok is time to go!Your gunna like this i think!"

To Be Countinued:
(sorry its so short)

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I am not going to say much else.



As for your writing, it is pretty scant and horrible. Use paragraphs, for one thing, as they are supposed to be used. They add flow to the structure of everything, and the way and where you place them does make a difference. Not to mention whenever a new speaker speaks you make a new paragraph.

Also, I do not know what in the world you are talking about from most of what I have read. Clarity is a definite thing that is needed for any piece of writing to be as fluent and beautiful as possible. Using vague, non descripitve, onward blabber does not suffice for this.

"I know you are"he said "I like it too" and i said i wanted blah blah blah..

This is a better way to do that example:

He turned from his table he had been staring into.

"I know you are[b][i][u],[/b][/u][/i]" he said. He clutched his hand on my shoulder tightly, clawing at it like a scratching, sad cat. "I know you are."

See how much better it is if you give narration a more painted poise, and use it to fluctuate around the story?

You have done this...but too vaguely. It needs more punch, a better way for the reader to actually care what your are saying.[/size]
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its in friken script form you jack *****! fooooooooooooooooo...
in not feeling to good right now i might be over acting :twitch: ...but i dont need your critisisim...if your just going to tell me how bad it is dont type anything at all!!!now im going to go get drunk...

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>_< Don't call him a jack***** if you want to stay here. Trust me. All the mods gained a nice little power during the last update of the site. The last thing you wanna do is tick one off.
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sorry i was just too much in a bad mood...ErinZyger had brought up my supposedly dead brother allittle before hand and i was a little upset...^_^ im fine now though^_^

Yeah...speaking of my brother...how would you feel if you accidentily got your brother killed, you blamed it totally on your self,and a few years later you saw him walkin down the street,he bumps into you, and says, "Hey i sorry!Do...i know you...you look farmilliare," What would you do huh????how would you feel? hey...im...overreacting a bit...ive just been really upset about my brother latly and i blame his death totally on myself and i bumped into a guy w/ my brothers aura at a dance a few nights ago and ive been really shaken up about it and the only person i have to talk to about it is ErinZyger and shes been grounded and i havent been able to talk to her and im about to burst out in tears...! :bawl:

oh welll...ill finish my story^_^:

Jagansi stood up and looked at me obviously expecting me to follow him.

"You comin'?" He said in a smooth but cuorious voice.

"Oh! yeah...but...where are we-" I didnt have time to finish my sentance because he was already dragging me down the street, passing Kurama, still stuck in the ground, head first.

I had a hard time but I seamingly managed to pull him aside and ask him what the hell was going on. He looked at me for a minuet with a blank expresion on his face then his emotion turned more apologetic.

"Damn im sorry i gusse i should explain..." He looked at me and saw the counfusion in my expresion, "look...i havent taken you out in forever and we're late already...just trust me...plaese?" He started to walk in the other direction and i had no choice but to follow him.

"So...where [I]are[/I] we goin?" I looked over at him and he just replied with a sinister looking grin...

Im Sorry This Post Was So Short But Im Kinda Bussy...Thankx
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