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Writing The Queen of Theives ((Story Version))


erinzyger
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[color=green]OOC: As some of you already know, I decided to write a story along with my poem, "The Queen of Theives". :) And finally I finished the first chapter! Jeez those codes took forever to put in :sweat:. So here it is! Enjoy and review.
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[center][b][u]The Queen of Theives[/b][/u]
[b][u]Chapter 1: Memories[/b][/u]
[b][u]By: Erin Zyger[/b][/u][/center]

Darcy folded her arms across her chest and leaned back a bit. She smirked at the town before her. [i]Those ignorant fools. They think that life is all fun and games and riches. Soon they'll find out that they're wrong. Oh so wrong.[/i] She turned away from the bright lights and loud noises. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her black pants and began to sing a song to herself.. One would recognize it as Greensleves if anyone had been around to here it.

The seventeen year old theif came to a set of metal stairs that led down the back of the building. [i]Hm, too long.[/i] She decided to take the easy way down. She took a quick look over the edge and jumped down, close to the stairs. Her plan was to catch the stairs somewhere near the middle and then jump the rest of the way down. It wasn't to far of a jump. Well not for her at least. But of course, her plans were derailed. She did catch the steps, but not quite enough. She slipped and lost grip on everything. This cought her by surprise and she didn't have time to react. She fell and hit the snow covered ground...[b]hard[/b]. The impact knocked her unconscious.
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Darcy began to dream about her past. It was so long ago, but it all seemed so clear...
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[i]Momma! Poppa! Watch this!" Seven year old Darcy Azure called out to her parents as she biked down the streets. She headed straight for her homade ramp and went off it, landing the jump perfectly. Her mother and father clapped and laughed. She smiled proudly and turned back towards her house. She laughed as she went over another homemade ramp. She jumped off of the old bike that she had found in the dumps and put up the kickstand. She ran over to her parents and said with a smile, "See, I can bike better than anyone in the big houses!"

Her parents smiled but it was forced. They didn't enjoy talking about the rich people. Darcy didn't seem to notice and ran off to the backyard. She scrambled up the small tree that leaned against a wood fence and leaned out on the farthest branch.

"Paco! Are you there?" she called out. A short Mexican boy poked his head out from behind a bush.

"Hola Darcy! Como estas?" he replied. Darcy jumped down from the tree branch and landed in Paco's yard.

"Yo estoy muy bien. Y tu?" Darcy answered, walking over to Paco.

"Yo estoy muy bien. Gracias!" Paco walked up to meet her.

"Denada!" Darcy laughed. Paco laughed along with her, "You are getting much better in your Spanish, Darcy."

"I know!" she grinned, "So, Paco, you wanna come over tonight? My mom's making grilled cheese and tomato soup tonight and I got some new comic books from the rich peoples dump! They're in perfect condition. I can't believe all the things that those people throw out!"

"Yea! What kind are they?" the Mexican asked.

"Superman, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, and Justice League." she said, taking two peices of bubblegum out of her pocket. She held one out to Paco and said, "Want one? I saved up my allowance forever to buy a pack of gum, and I wanted to share it with my best friend ever!"

Paco laughed and took a peice. He unwrapped it and said, "Gracias Darcy. Muchos Gracias!"

He popped it in his mouth and chewed. She unwrapped her own peice and popped it in her mouth.

"So, Paco," Darcy blew a bubble and popped it, "are we going over to my house or what?"[/i]
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Darcy's memories skipped to later that night, after her parents had left to go visit some friends. She and Paco had been left alone, sure that nothing would go wrong. But they were wrong. Oh so wrong.
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[i]The flames licked at her heels as she ran for the window with Paco. The smell of smoke had woken the two of them up at around midnight. When they realized what the problem was, they immediately made their way to the window. Darcy went first. She crawled onto the windowsill and then swung herself down so that she balanced herself on a drain pipe but still gripped the side of the house.

"Paco! Hurry up!" she yelled, her eyes watering and coughing from the smoke filled air. Her lungs couldn't take much more, but she couldn't just leave her best friend hanging there.

"I can't move! My foot is stuck under something!" he cried. A quickly burning nightstand had fallen onto his foot. He bit his lower lip and strained to himself free. The flames were moving quickly towards him. Darcy held out her hand and said, "Grab on! I'll try to help you!"

Her friend grabbed the offered hand and Darcy pulled hard, trying to help him out. She held tightly onto the windowsill so that she wouldn't fall. But slowly, their hands started to slip apart! The young red-head tried to get a better hold of the boys hand, but only succeded in losing her balance. She screamed in horror as she slid down the side of the house, landing in the small garden below. She tried to scramble back up the drain pipe, but it was no use. She tried to run and find her father's ladder, but stopped in her tracks when she heard a deafening, agonized scream. The flames had reached Paco and he was now dieing with the rest of the house. Darcy felt sick to her stomach. She fell to her knees and looked up at her burning home.

"PACO!" she screamed, tears beginning to run down her face. She slumped to the ground and began to cry her heart out. This was all her fault. She hadn't been fast enough to save him. Paco was dead because of her! She continued to cry as she heard the sounds of approaching sirens. The sound rang in her ears as she stood up. She looked once more at the house and went back down on her knees. She felt so sick, so stupid and angry. Finally, the sickness took over and she threw up everything she had eaten that day.[/i]
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That was one of the two worst days of Darcy's life. She learned later that the fire had been set by a group of rich kids who thought the house was abandoned. She hated them more than ever now. Her dream sequence skipped to eight years later.
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[i]Darcy Azure, now fifteen years old, sat in her room, staring out the window. Since Paco's death, she hadn't spoken much. She didn't eat as much either. She never made friends or even attempted. She usually just sat in her room, or took long walks around town, always avoiding the burnt ruins of her old home. When their house had burnt down, she and her parents had gone to live with her aunt and uncle, their last living relatives, five blocks away. They had accepted them greatfully, knowing how hard it was even with a house.

Darcy reached for the picture frame by her desk. It was a picture of a seven year old her playing tag with Paco. It was the only thing she had to remember him by. Everything else had perished in the fire. A single tear rolled down her face and landed on the glass of the frame. She wiped it away with her sleeve. She would never forgive herself for not being there. Not now, not ever. She knew that it had been those ignorant rich people from the mansions who had set the fire, but it was no use. She had driven it into her mind that she could've been able to help him.

She hated the rich people. They thought that people of lower status were nothing. Nothing at all. They didn't care how many lives they had ruined, how many people they had broken, or how many people were lost because they had made a mistake. Darcy continued to stare at the picture when someone knocked on her door. She didn't even care to look up, she knew it was her mother. Mrs. Azure opened the door to Darcy's small bedroom and began, "Darcy, dear, it's time for church-" She noticed the picture in her daughter's hands. "Oh. I'm sorry I didn't realize...We'll be back at noon. Bye."

The woman closed the door again and her teenaged daughter continued to stare at the picture. Imagining what it would be like if Paco was here today. She sighed heavily and placed the picture back on her desk. She leaned back onto her bed and stared at the ceiling. She was so tired, but she had no idea why. Slowly, she drifted into sleep.

At around 1:00 PM, she woke up again. She sat back up and peered around the room. That was odd. She couldn't here any sounds from downstairs. Weren't they supposed to be back by noon? That's what her mother had told her. She got up and walked downstairs. No signs of life. Suddenly, she heard a knock at the door. She opened it and found two police officers standing there. She was shocked. As far as she knew, nobody in this family had done anything illegal. But by the look in there eyes, that just wasn't the case. The one on the right, a short, plump man with a large bald spot on his head was the first to speak up, "Miss Darcy Azure?"

"Yes, that's me." she replied nervously.

"Miss Azure, I'm afraid we have some bad news. I'm sorry to inform you that your parents, aunt, and uncle were killed this afternoon in a car accident. Darcy froze. The familiar, sickening feeling came to her stomach. She held back hot tears. She closed her eyes tightly and pushed past the officers. She broke into a run down the street. She had no idea where she was going, but she didn't even care. She heard the officers calling her name and telling her to stop, but she didn't care about that either. All that mattered was getting away from this. She ran until she saw bright lights ahead. She slowed a bit. The scene in front of her was that of a car crash, the one her family had been in. She saw a few drunk looking teens being handcuffed and taken to some squad cars. She recognized them. They were some of the rich people.

Her whole body went numb. Why? Why? WHY? Why are those people so stupid? Why does God hate me so much? What did I ever do? That was all she could think. She turned and ran again. She ran to somewhere, yet nowhere. As she ran, she had an idea. She would get revenge on these people. She would take all of their material possesions they cared for so much and make them feel the pain of not having anything. It was nowhere near what she felt now, but close enough. That was the day that she decided to become a theif.[/i]
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Darcy's dream suddenly broke off. She felt herself awakening. She opened her eyes and noticed she was no longer in the snow covered alley way, but in some place much different. She was in a warm bed, with a fire going in a fireplace across the room. She tried to sit herself up, but cried out in pain. Suddenly a man came in. He was somewhat tall, but not too strong looking, with dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He smiled at her and said, "Oh, so you're awake. That was quite a fall you had. I'm glad I found you before you froze to death."

Now it dawned on Darcy where she was. She recognized this man. This was the home of her next target, Eli Gray![/color]
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Well, what can I say besides that it was delicious. You cooked it for just the right amount of time, (you didn't rush the story,) the texture(the descriptions) was great, and the meat(the plot and characters was one of my favorite parts of this meal. I did notice just a hint of cliche but it wasn't so much that it ruined the flavor. Also, judging by your appetizer(your poem,) I expected this to be an old-fashioned dish so I was really surprised by it's modern flavor(setting). I really enjoyed this meal, thank you Erinzyger-san.
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Bravo! Erinzyger that was awsome! I can't wait for Chapter 2! You really in truly hooked us so were beging for more. You made us feel her hate for rich people. You described everything so clearly and made us feel her loss. I hope that chapter 2 is as good as 1 was! Seriouly you should become a writer if your doining work like this when your so young....Well can't wait for Chapter 2!
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[color=orangered]After so much praise for it, how can I say it O_o?

Well, I'm gonna say it anyway... I think, perhaps, you should have worked some of Darcy's history into later chapters. There must've been another way you could have told us how much she hated the "rich people", maybe just a quick mention of Paco and some decription of her reaction to the thought. I feel that really would've been enough.[/color]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by erinzyger [/i]
[B][color=green][i]"So, Paco," Darcy blew a bubble and popped it, "are we going over to my house or what?"[/i]
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Darcy's memories skipped to later that night, after her parents had left to go visit some friends. She and Paco had been left alone, sure that nothing would go wrong. But they were wrong. Oh so wrong.
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[i]The flames licked at her heels as she ran for the window with Paco.[/i][/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=orangered]That part especially, it seemed to skip ahead too abruptly. I had to read it several times to understand the house was on fire. Perhaps the "bridgeing" bit you did in the middle was unnecessary. A quick paragraph would've bridged the gap better methinks.

But, having said that and successfully ripped your chapter to shards *begs forgiveness* I honestly think it was well-written stuff. So my assessment is that the structure needs a little work, but the writing itself is wonderful. This piece has great potential! ^_^[/color]
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