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Writing The Pistols - Narrative


Brasil
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?The Pistols?

Dark Rounds. Jake was so f-----g screwed. The bullets were imbedded in his chest, spreading toxins and disease into his bloodstream. His left arm was already numb and turning gray. Sores and blisters warped the skin into a putrid mass of pus and discharge.

A nearby shard of glass showed the effects of Dark Rounds. Jake?s face was wasting away. His eyes were dark sockets, the eyeballs deep within his head. The overhead fluorescents sent ghastly shadows stretching down his face, accentuating his protruding cheekbones.

The Night Pistol was a few feet away, laying near Jason?s limp, dead hand. He had a bullet in his forehead. With good reason, too. Jason was a f-----g traitorous rat. Cared only about himself, didn?t give a flying f--k about the mission. Jake was glad he wasn?t moving anymore. Jake looked at that blank stare with pleasure. He never liked Jason. Never trusted him, either.

Jake shifted his eyes to the corner. There was Jimmy. What was left of him, at least. Jimmy had been shot in the face. He took a Dark Round in the eye. Flies buzzed around his head, some landing on his face, some exploring the inside of his skull. Jimmy?s gun was next to him, soaking in a pool of blood.

A firestorm was burning Jake?s insides; it felt like his blood was on fire. That was the Dark Round toxin at work. Jake could do nothing but lay there. He couldn?t think. He couldn?t stand. He couldn?t save himself. He was so f-----g screwed. Sitting sent wicked and cruel pains shooting through his body, forcing him back down to the floor. His breaths were coming in short gasps now, beads of sweat left slick trails on his face. You know that cliché, ?life flashing before your eyes?? It?s true.

Last night came rushing back to him, flooding him with brutality.

The killing began when Joey?s body was found, the head a foot away. That was around 3. Jason made the call. Jake and Jimmy got there in minutes. Jason was standing over Joey, holding a bloody machete.

?Drop the knife, f----r!? Jake had his gun drawn. Jimmy followed suit, circling Jason. Jake repeated the command. ?Drop the knife.? Jason complied. ?Now back away. EASY.? Jason reached into his jacket. ?Hands! Get them up now!? The hand left the jacket, holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

?Easy, man, I?m just getting a smoke. Want one??

Jake shook his head, never taking his eyes off him, and never taking his finger off that trigger. Jason took a long drag.

?Good cigs. Nice flavor.?

?What the f--k happened.? Jake asked.

?I don?t know. Joey here didn?t have a head when I got here.?

?Bullsh-t.?

?It?s the truth. Here, ask him yourself.? Jason kicked the head to him. Jake took his eyes off him and paid for it. The Night Pistol came out of its holster at Jason?s side, firing a round into Jimmy?s face. Jake fired the first shot, hitting Jason in the arm. The firefight took a split second, a clip going into Jake?s torso, Jason dropping from the headshot.

Now Jake lay on the floor, dying. The grungy windows filtered the morning sunlight into haze. It was going to be a hot day today, but Jake wasn?t going to live to experience it. One last spasm of pain, one last cough of blood, and Jake?s body went still, his gun clattering to the floor.
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Very nice work.

I love the morbid description that you put into these events. It's always great when writers take the time to describe every facet of what they're writing about because it makes it that much easier to imagine yourself in the story, watching what's going on right as it is happening.

Obviously, the censorhip takes a bit away from the story, but you can hardly help that, heh. The dashes are easier to stand than the asterisks, at least.

I also enjoy stories that start off with an event and end with that same event...you can really see how the events that have transpired are flashing before Jake's eyes.
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As I told you on AIM, I enjoyed reading this exercise very much--although it did remind me a bit of [i]The Underworld[/i]. This peice has a nice voice. My suggestions are few.

First of all:

[quote][b][strike]Dark Rounds. Jake was so f-----g screwed.[/strike] The bullets were imbedded in his chest, spreading toxins and disease into his bloodstream. His left arm was already numb and turning gray. Sores and blisters warped the skin into a putrid mass of pus and discharge.[/b][/quote]

That's your beginning. We don't need you to tell us Jake is screwed because we know it. It's there. The opening paragraphs describe it to a good effect.

I also prefer saving the "Dark Rounds" information until later on.

Secondly, you might want to limit the use of the f-word; using it too often subtracts from its impact. It's used too freely here so it's not quite as powerful as it could be.

Lastly, I would consider playing with the characters' names. Personally speaking, I find it a bit confusing when everyone's name begins with a "J" in a scene that throws around names quite often.

Thanks for giving it to me; it made sitting in that class somewhat bearable. ^_^;;
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[color=royalblue]Fascinating. Fit my mood somewhat, although I'm far more likely to hurt them in a subtle emotional way than blow their brains out.

Charles bascially covered everything. And just so everyone knows, I really resent the censors. It's not like we don't know what's being said.[/color]
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[size=1] It was pretty nicely done.

[quote]?What the f--k happened.? Jake asked.[/quote]

This should be "What the **** happened," Jake asked. A comma, not a period. This is a really small thing, but what the hell, might as well be zealous.

[quote]You know that cliché, ?life flashing before your eyes?? It?s true.
[/quote]

Get rid of this sentence. I totally hate cliches, and I totally hate the mentioning of one and saying, "Yes, that's true." It's totally uninventive and stupid. Heh.

Otherwise, I did not even care about this piece as a whole. You did not really set up the scene too powerfully, did not give incite into character's thoughts. Well, not in a way that attracted my attention, at least. This made me not care about the piece, not gain what I needed to understand it as a whole. And the fact that every name starts with "J" just makes it even worse. Names mean nothing to me, and having them all just the same first letter is even worse. As a reader I didn't care for any of the characters at all.

So what's needed is some deeper characterization. Instead of just saying things like they are, any good writer will show you. You did show, but at the same time, you didn't make the reader care too much at all, and you didn't make us care about one particular character too much.

Mostly I stumbled through this piece with what I came with. I came as open as I could, and found I didn't care much for what was happening. To appeal to a reader, you have to give your characters meaning and give them a good characterization. You didn't achieve this enough. And the writing itself didn't interest me too much; I'd say what I liked the most was the description of the flies buzzing in and out of his skull. That was a nice, gritty picture.

Get rid of all the f-words. It comes off as useless if you're trying to attract my attention, and doesn't really add too much over all.

Basically all Charles said, only I'm being more harsh.[/size]
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