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Writing my poetry


black_insanity
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[size=1][color=firebrick]
My thoughts a mess,
my head unclear,
I miss those feelings,
that were once roaming here.

Words that were said,
between you and I,
the meaning now dead,
my eyes left to cry.

I screwed everything up,
killed what I had.
There's no going back,
why must I feel bad?

Alone I will stay,
until my heart mends,
forever astray,
as everything ends.



**please rate from 1-10, and tell me what you think**
[/size][/color]

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[size=1]Darling, believe me, it's nothing personal. Do you have any idea how many people have poems and such to review? It does take me a while to get to everybody's, you see. Besides which, I have my own writing to see to, as well. I'm sorry I haven't replied before now, but I have looked at your poem. I've been meaning to reply, but I keep getting called away.


The first stanza is good, although the last line breaks up the rhythm a bit. Perhaps if you changed it to [i]I miss those feelings,/
Once roaming here.[/i], it would make it better.

The rhyming in the second stanza seems a little forced: said/dead, especially. And since the first stanza had an abcb pattern, it doesn't really need to rhyme. Maybe you could change it to something like: [i]Words were said/between you and I/have no meaning now/my eyes left to cry.[/i]

The first two lines in the third stanza make quite an impact and also explain some of the situation: the character feels responsible for the break up [at least, to my interpretation, it's a break up.] However, I don't like the last line, because it's answered in the first two lines.

The last stanza, to me, is perfect. It brings the poem to a conclusion, it sums it up, and the last line is just [i]brilliant[/i]. It's perfect. I love it.

I prefer not to rate in the Poetry Fanfiction Lounges, and I prefer that policy not to start. To me, creative writing is far too personal to rate like that.

However, you did a very good job. I know I pointed out mainly my criticisms, but that's because your poetry is pretty together already, and you seem to know that.

So well done. ^_^ And if you ever have another piece that you want looked at, just PM me with the link and I'll check it out.[/size]
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3. Your poems were very cliche. Sorry, but they sound like everything everyone writes. The stuff that's so over-used it's painful. I just came to a realization that my poetry was bad, thanks to some people at the megatokyo forums, who came up with the word poerms for cliche poetry. Not trying to be mean, but you have to try harder not to write the same as everyone els. And first person is very overdone.... But, if you wish, you have no need to listen to me.
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[color=gray]
[size=1]I simply loved it.

Great text, flows very well and I had a hard time spotting any missfits in it.
There's just one thing I didn't like.

[I]I screwed everything up,
killed what I had.
There's no going back,
why must I feel bad?
[/I]

the last sentence, it kinda disturbes me... Ah well.

like Asphyxia, I prefer not to rate on this board, but you can take my word that it's great ^_~[/color]
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