Jump to content

Here is part of my manga, please ost what you think of it.


Recommended Posts

The Legend Of Light-wing

The story begins when a young little boy somehow was transported into two completely different worlds. He meets two people who he thought was no real and bonded with them. Those two people were Link and Kenshin. He goes by Kinshin for now until he becomes stronger with his new self.
He fell in love with a beautiful girl and one day they hope to get married. Right now they live far away from each other until school is over they shall meet.

Kinshin friend: ?Hey Kinshin!?
Kinshin: ?Huh??
Brother: ?Wake up last day of your high school year, no more high school for you anymore.?
Kinshin: ?Five more minutes.?
Friend: ?WAKE UP!!?
Kinshin: ?OK I?M UP!!?
After the celebration Kinshin goes to get his girl who he will marry soon.
Mom: ?You got everything?
Kinshin: ?Yeah?
Friend: ?Good see ya later!?
Kinshin: ?Kay?
So when they were going to the airport, someone was following him.
Dark Kinshin (talking to his wife in his car):?Kinshin, what a surprise, heh, thanks to me being Dark Link, I to have evolved. I?m now Dark Kinshin.?
Back at the airport?
Fight 16 to Kansas, we?re ready to board now.
Kinshin: ?We?ll see ya later guys.?
After the fight which was two hours?
?? (Dark Kinshin):?Not so fast Kinshin!?
Kinshin: ?What the? uh.?
Dark Kinshin: ?Wake up sleepy head.?
Kinshin: ?Who are you??
Dark Kinshin: ?What Link won?t tell you who I am??
Kinshin: ?What your D?D?Dark Kinshin!?
Kinshin: ?Huh what?s going on??
Link:? It?s us Kinshin.?
Kinshin: ?Link, Kenshin how are you guys??
Kenshin: ?We?re good but here?s our weapons you?ll need it when you are fight Dark Kinshin but we don?t know how to destroy him though.?
Kinshin: ?But Link I thought you killed him??
Link: ?That?s what I thought. He probably regenerated by the Dark Triforce but anyways you got us and the power of the Trifore on your side but take heed for he has the Dark Triforce the both have the same power in them.?
Kinshin: ?Don?t worry I?ll be careful.?
Dark Kinshin: ?Heh, your back. I thought I wasn?t going to be the one to destroy you Kinshin.?
Kinshin: ?Shut up because I?m going to beat you then go gets my girl.?
Dark Kinshin: Oh you mean Rei. Too bad that I already married Dark Rei, so I?m ahead of you.?
Kinshin: So
Dark Kinshin: So I?m better
Kinshin: No your not
Dark Kinshin: Yes I am and I?ll show you
Kinshin: Bring it
Dark Kinshin: Dark Triforce ah
Kinshin: Triforce ah
Dark Kinshin: Take this
Kinshin: Ahhh? Din Fire
Dark Kinshin: Dark Nauru Love
Kinshin: Ahh I hate that it always reflects back maybe I should use my Mirror Shield. Do it again.
Dark Kinshin: Fine if you insist of dying
Kinshin: Din Fire
Dark Kinshin: Dark Nauru Love, DARK DIN FIRE!!
Kinshin: Ha take this
Dark Kinshin: NOOO!! PHYCHE!!
Kinshin: What! Not AGAIN!!!
Dark Kinshin: Two times in a row impressive
Kinshin: Think again you?re hurt just as badly I am
Dark Kinshin: W?w? w?what no
Kinshin: So I guess it is a draw
Dark Kinshin: I guess it?s clever you use Forues Wind to teleport it through you, and me nice. Well I?m going but I will be back.
Kinshin then goes to Rei?s (also his) home while healing his wounds from a healing fairy.
Kinshin: Rei, help me use the healing fairy and get ready for our wedding.

A few months later.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmm i just read through it and I honestly couldn't really follow what was going on. Try to explain the backstory more as well as give more detail on whats going on between the bits of dialog. This is especially necessary after the first half, it really seems like you rushed to finish up the story. Also you will need to work quite a bit more on your grammar. I also noticed a lot of things ripped straight out of the Zelda series (i.e. 'Triforce', 'Mirror Shield', 'Healing Fairy') also the use of parallel universes and light & dark versions of the same person (though i guess im willing to let those slide.) I don't know if this was intentional or not, but it probably isn't such a great idea, if you really want to write manga you'll have to try your best to come up with fresh and original ideas.

Sorry to be so critical but your story does show some promise, just keep at it! :animesmil
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 9 months later...
Ok i noticed that you ripped quite allot off zelda and a little of rurouni kenshin and you kinda hurried the story up after the flight where kinshen saw dark kenshin so i suggest changing it a lil bit make it more original ^_^ and instead of kansas make it more like a japanese town or something sry to be so strait forward -.- :(
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...