Love Advice

[SpiritWolf]

I'm hoping to get some advice from this thread, but if I can give some as well, all the better. Just tell your stories, and I (and hopefully others who read this) will respond.

I'll start with my story.

I have a friend... for the purpose of this thread, we'll call her Amy. Well, Amy and I are both in the school band, and have been friends for well over a year. I've had a crush on her for a while. The band just got back from a trip to New York City, which ended in a 14 hour bus ride back home. Amy sat next to me. We listened to music for a while, and then she decided to get some sleep. She put her head on my shoulder, which isn't all that unusual, considering our level of friendship. She didn't fall asleep right away, though. Keep in mind, this is around 11:30, so the whole bus is dark. While I'm staring out the window, trying to zone out and make time pass quicker, I notice that she's still awake. I look at her and smile, and she takes my hand in hers. We've never held hands like that before. We held hands for almost thirty minutes, just sitting in silence, until she let go and leaned against me again. This time, however, she placed her hand on my chest. I placed my hand over hers and, to my surprise, she drew it to her lips and kissed it. Now, I should clarify that Amy already has a boyfriend, whom we shall refer to as Jeff. Jeff is in the Army, and she hasn't seen him in five months. I know Jeff, and he's a great guy. He is going to propose to her in June. When she kissed my hand, it's like it over-rode my brain, though, and my heart took over. I didn't think of how much damage I could do... I simply kissed her on top of the head. We sat in quiet for about fifteen seconds before she turned to me and drew my face down to hers and kissed me full on the lips. Twice. After that, we started talking. She said that she had always had feelings for me, but the unspoken catch was all I really heard. She has feelings for me, but she doesn't love me. Not the way she loves Jeff. Unfortunately, I now know that she does like me, and she knows that I like her. I just want to know... how can I salvage this? How can I stay her friend without ultimately destroying her relationship with Jeff? I know that this sounds rather confusing and random, but it's tearing me apart.

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]Wow, I think your situation is pretty cut and dry.

Right now the only thing you can do is ask Amy (gently) if she is considering a relationship with you or if she knows whether she wants a relationship with Jeff. Comfort her by reminding her that either way you?ll remain friends, you just don?t want to be stuck in limbo pining over what can never be.

Right now it is really her time to decide what she wants to do, and you have to either await that decision or move on.[/color]

[Kamuro]

yes, a situation that cloud calls "limbo" is pretty unbearable, if you stay there to long, you will be torn apart, and as he said, this situation isn't really in your hands, however, there are things you can do

#1-You need to talk to her, its really important that during this time you guys stay as close as possible, if you really want this girl, then you can't just get weirded out or nervous and give yourself space from each other, it won't work, at least not for you.

#2-When you do talk to her, ask her how she really feels, about you, and Jeff. And if she felt so strongly for Jeff, then why did she take it upon herself to become intimate with you. I know she likes you, but if she really liked Jeff as much as she says, then it would be cut and dry, Jeff, and not you. But thats not the case.

#3-If I was in your position, well, I'm a hopeless romantic and I would go for the girl. I've been hurt before, but if you always give up, or contain yourself in a shell, you'll never find the one for you. And you and this girl seem to have some kind of connection thats worth pursuing. If you care for this girl, then you'll make it happen, and if she cares about you, then she'll do the same.

Good luck

[Havokio]

[COLOR=Indigo]Here's the problem... is "Jeff" also a friend? Do you care for his wellbeing?

If you answer yes to those two questions, you may have to put your feelings aside. It's obvious that she still has feelings for "Jeff", but also for you. You've stated that she loves "Jeff", and not you, but she still harbors feelings. This presents a problem, a "Tri-fecta screw up (Love Triangle)" if you will.

If she made the move, then you have the right of way. She hasn't seen Jeff for 5 months... And she went for you. This reminds me of a statment, "You'll feel bad when you've lost what's had". This could go two ways...

1- She is feeling lonely and seeks comfort.- This is a common occurance between both males and females alike. The result of cheating.

2- She doesn't really have feelings for him.- This is bad. It may sound good, but "Jeff" would feel used and betrayed. And, I'm not making any assumptions, she may go to someone else just as quick as she would leave "Jeff", and.. you as well.

Normally, someone feels really saddened by a temporary loss. This could result in wierd behavior. (Comfort seeking, moodswings, etc.)

If you've answered "no", then go for it by all means. Love is fleeting, as I've found out the hard way (I tried again and found success with the same person).

You want to keep any friendships going, while NOT looking like a bastard by going after another man's woman.

The only way to keep everything normal is to BACK OFF.

One question, are you crazy bout her? Do you REALLY want to be with her? If not, then don't worry to much about it.[/COLOR]

[SpiritWolf]

Thanks for your help, all of you. I'll try to put all of your advice into what I do.

[Kamuro]

good luck my friend, remeber to relax when you talk to her, theres no sense getting worked up and worrying her, calm, cool, and collected

[Gelgoog Pilot]

You're "Unspoken catch" May or may not exist in my opinion...The question is how long have Amy and Jeff been seeing each other? It could be that Jeff is ready for marriage while Amy is not. Just because he is going to propose or says he will doesn't always mean straight out marriage. I've seen a few freinds who have been engaged....then moneths later are still engaged....then years later...and finally one says they really weren't ready for marriage with that person and leaves. Or they start living together and relise they can't stand each other.

Also I know a good friend of mine. she has a boyfriend let call him Josh and her terry...since it is their names after all lol. Terry will flat out tell you she'll never end up marrying Josh. Though they've been together for oh...4 years now. They jsut feel better being with that someone but don't feel they could be with eachother forever. Love is wierd like that...I know if I was in your situation (which I actually was a while back) I'd feel terribly confused.

My advice is as Clouds...Ask her...be confrontational...sometimes you need to be like that with people to get information out of them. Ask her about why she did that stuff...and if she loves Jeff. For all you know they could be together for pure convienece. Its not unheard of to stick with a relasionship because nothing better has come along. Which reminds me of another girl I know...she stayed with her boyfriend far too long...he hadn't come to see her in months, along the lines of 8 I believe...now he had really no reason to not actually go see her (until we found out he was cheating on her). Yet she stayed with him... I know...I had wanted to aske her out but...found she still considered herself going out with the guy(again until she found out she was g/f #2)

I'm sure I made myself look pretty wierd...and...ranted a bit. I'm sorry...Im a wierd person and I don't always stick to topic...You can thank my ADD for that. I'm saying don't automatically think she "Loves" Jeff, Trust me I've loved a girl before who didn't share that feeling...now luckily I found this out before I proposed. SO it pays to do your homework...so like I said...DO your homework and ask her what the beef is. :animesigh

[SpiritWolf]

Does this make me a bad person? I mean... in essence, I am a threat to the person I like. If anything were to ruin her relationship with her "perfect" guy, that would be me. It's slowly killing me when I overhear them talking, and they gush their love for one another, and yet, if I were to say something, then I would hurt her, which would in turn break my heart. No matter what I do... I'm either cruel or pathetic... a jerk or a loser... blah. Which is worse? Being hated by the ones you love, or hating yourself?

Heh... sorry for getting all mopey... it just helps to kinda get this out.

[Minako]

I may be inexperienced in the whole love department, but I do know the basics. What really hit me with your last post is you claim Josh is her "perfect" guy. How do you know that? You can't read minds, now can you? (if you can, you can erase that last part. heh.) She could just be putting up an act for Josh so that he doesn't feel bad when she actually likes someone else.

I agree with most everyone in this thread when I say [B]talk to her.[/B] If you guys really are such good friends, it'll be no problem. As kakashi said, don't get nervous or work yourself up, it'll freak her out.

If Amy and Josh aren't meant to be, they're not meant to be. That means you can move in and grab the girl. heh heh.

[shinji172]

Ok you are not a bad person. After all you didnt orchestrate things to happen this way it just did. Just take things slowly and ask her how she feels about both you and jeff. If she really likes him Im afraid you should let their relationship continue. On the other hand if she has more feelings for you my advice is to talk to jeff and tell him how she feels about you and advise them to talk about your problems. (make sure to tell him that you dont want to steel his girlfriend). It may be tough but if they do love each other than you should be able to work things out (If not you can all still be good friends). Good luck...

P.S. even if she doesnt become your Girlfriend after all this I wouldnt worry. You WILL find the perfect girl for you someday ;)

[Kamuro]

well, at least you have some positive reinforcement. Anyway, just go for it man. Your not a bad person for wanting to be happy and trying to get this girl is just another stepping stone to the true happiness I'm sure you'll find later in life. Even if your risking a lot, I think its worth the risk, and you should definitely go for it. The longer you wait and contemplate your moves and whether or not its wrong or right the farther you two become.

[AlishaKitten]

Awww. What a sweet story... But what I think you should do is that tell her that she has someone that already loves her and she needs to respect that. I know you might be a little hard telling her that because you like or even love her also but she already has someone. I mean the guy proposed to her so I think he must really love her...

She might just be a little heart broken and lonley right now because Jeff is in the Army but I think she still has feelings for him. She probably just dosen't remember. I mean it's hard keeping a relationship when your love one is so far away... Trust me I know...

You should move on with your life even though it might be hard knowing you left your love one behind. But you shouldn't let something like that bring you down. You'll find someone else. Don't worry. Everyone has there own loved one. But you know that's how love is... Conffusing...

[SpiritWolf]

Thank you all for helping me out... that being said, it's all over now. She told me last night that she "likes me, but doesn't love me". I had already figured that, but she put it out in the open. She hopes we can still be friends, and that things won't get awkward. I suppose it's a relief to just have... oh, what's the word? Closure, I think? Sounds good to me. Thanks again, all!

[Havokio]

[COLOR=Indigo]You are very welcome.

Don't fret, you will find that "someone".
Everyone's given that chance. Keep looking.[/COLOR]

[WhiteAoiFox]

[QUOTE=SpiritWolf]I'm hoping to get some advice from this thread, but if I can give some as well, all the better. Just tell your stories, and I (and hopefully others who read this) will respond.

Wow, i think that is so cute, but you must understand that if she still loves this Jeff that all you can do is stay her friend. You must always be by her side and make sure she is happy. Because if that was me, i would want my friend to be happy out of everything. Like this saying goes:

[I][I]xxx[/I][/I] All i want is for the one i love the most to be happy, if the person i love is happy then i am happy.

Thats all you can ask for right now for your friend and dont worry if you care for each other that much and dont want to hurt each other, take her to see a movie and have fun like you use to in the old days and then tell her, that even though you like her, you want more than anything for her happyness and if this Jeff is it, you stand behind her 100%.

[Vegitto4]

What she's doing with a soldier...I will never understand. Sorry, but soldiers are sling nasties.
Marines are where it's at, but anyway.

You dont love her, she's going to be engaged. if this "jeff" is a good guy, leave it alone, and just be there for her. **** happens. So you kissed. Get over it, and get in touch with reality again.