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Discuss will this make the cut for a rpg???


Guest animemainframe
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Guest animemainframe
Keyojin walks on as the skys pouring rain soak him to the bone escept for his automail arm and legs. He had lost them in a street fight against a state alchemist. Element is making craters in the ground trying to splash in puddles. Keyojin is an alchemist and a mechanic. One day he was walking in the middle of nowhere because he was chased out of a town because he was a state alchemist equil in strength to the famous alchemist of the people Edward Elric. He was walking on a empty stomach and he had neither food nor water just walking on and on and on till he came to a giant boulder. He walked toward it and he found that it wasnt a boudler it was a robot that looked like a boulder it was shutdown so he did wat he did to pass time back home besides alchemy he tried to fix the robot. He succeded but it lost its memory files. He now had the personality of a 5 year old child. He was named Element by Keyojin because he had the power of all elements including earth air metal water fire and many more. So that brings us up to date. Keyojin just walking on for miles and Element making craters in the ground. Now Element looks dangerous but only when he is in danger he shifts his personality he has no control over this it just happens when he is in critical danger. He acts as a 5 year old most of the time he just plays around asks questians and buggs the living hell outa Keyojin. At this point they are just trying to find a town called valkor for official state alchemist business. so on walks Keyojin and on jumps Element :animeswea (couldnt think of anything oh by the way this is sorta a first for me so im just goin by ear)

how was it for a first please help me find out why it got locked
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Firstly, you make things vague by your way of talking, especially with the falsh back, and your "that brings us up to date" doesn't belong there. Try seperating that and coming back with another paragraph. Also, it might help if you went into 3rd person limited, which is 3rd person speaking, but you know the thoughts of a single charactor, as well as what they say and do. Have him then muse about what has recently happened as he is traveling.
And now the begginig.
When you introduce element, make sure to describe he's a robot. Try, "Behind him, the (insert personality adjetive) robot Element was creating craters with (insert explanation)."
Sorry to be so critical.
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It could and It couldn't make the cut, Splitting the one paragraph into two is a must because, Your back story is a bit of a headache inducer. The story is also, in my opinion, A little vague because you gave barely any background to it. Thats my two cents so see ya.
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[font=Trebuchet MS]Animemainframe, This thread lacks a [b]rating[/b]. Ratings are required of threads of this sort, as they may contain offensive material. No rating = closed thread. Read the stickies at the top of this and other Arena forums for more information about ratings.

You [b]can [/b]re-create this thread [b]with its appropriate rating.
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Also, you may want to consider improving your post quality just a little bit... commas would be nice. =P

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