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Chapter 2 [PG]


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Okay, It really seemed like I did nothing wrong, or everybody ignored the first Chapter of Ninja Oni. So, I'm seeing what you guys'll help me out on the second chapter. Here it is, everybody, Chapter 2, "Midnight Visitors" !


"Sensei...Father...", a young girl laying beside her father's bed, sobbed. She wiped the tears from her eyes. Dead. He wasn't coming back. What's worse was her little brother, not yet knowing. The Oni, had taken his life. She let a tear fall onto his chest, and she buried her head into her arms. [I]I know I did this... I always knew, the tattoo on my face... The feathers in my bed every other night...[/I], she thought sobbing some more.

A little boy walked into the small home of the Boka family. He glanced to his right, and saw his sister, buried in her arms. Then , he saw his father. Dead. "No! Wake up! Daddy, wake up!", he cried. Tears fell heavily from his eyes.

"Bulla...", the boy finally spoke. "Yes?", the young girl picking her head up. "Teach me Alchemy...", he said. "Why?", Bulla asked. "So...So I can defeat the Oni Demons!"

"Auxtaku...There's something I need to tell you..."

[SIZE=4]Midnight Visitors[/SIZE]

Honta, standing at the foot of Auxtaku's bunk, had the most serious facial expression. "Are you sure?", Auxtaku asked. "Yep."

"Who are you?! :animeangr " ,Saki, now right outside the Academy cabins and dorms, asked the masked figure. "Where...is Auxtaku?", the masked man asked with an evil look in the eye slots of his mask. His eyes glared angrilly.

Auxtaku ran out of His and Honta's cabin. "Saki!" He shouted at his new sensei. Saki turned his head quickly, and shouted out, "Go back inside, Auxtaku!". The masked man began to run at Auxtaku. "Oh no, you don't!", a voice out of nowhere called. Honta tackled the masked man. An explosion lit up the skies. Honta flew backwards unto the gravel surrounding thier cabins. The explosion blew the man's mask off his face."A- A girl!" Honta shouted. Her short pink hair blew in the wind. Banes of her hair blew out of her face. A tatoo of a pink feather on her left cheek was revealed.

"Who are you!" Honta shouted. "My name is Jinx...", the girl said. Without allowing another glance, she disappeared into the sky. [I]It can't be[/I] , Auxtaku thought.

"Jinx...." He muttered.
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[SIZE=1]I understood very little. I realized that the girl's father was dead and that's about it. [B]So first off[/B], when a different person begins speaking in dialogue another paragraph should be started. It better helps the reader understand who's talking.

[B]Second[/B], it's hard to imagine any of the character's when you have no descriptions of their personalities anywhere. Movements, gestures, and tone of voice help to see more of the person's attitude.

[B]Third[/B], I can't see anything. Your word's are all jumbled together. Going from one thing to another without transition words is just confusing. You're entry doesn't seem to work well with the main chapter. The ideas are completely different. It's like two different stories sitting beside each other.

[B]Lastly[/B], That is incredibly short. I took me all of 1 min 32 sec to read, and that includes reading over what I didn't understand at first. It gave me no insight to where the story is going. A feather and a girl are the only connection I can get. And dreadfully, this reminds me of a bad mix with Ruroni Kenshin, FMA, and DBZ.

I'm not too good at writing but I know how to read a good story. I can see what idea you're trying to bring together, but it's just not working.[/SIZE]
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LOL. As for the feathers and the story... I can't believe you didn't get the fact that [SPOILER] Bulla is Auxtaku's sister. There dad just got killed by the Onis , which are fifteen little kids. Auxtaku and Bulla are two of them. Auxtaku, the blue falcon oni, and Bulla the pink flamebird oni. So basically they killed their own father. Bulla, peicing it all together, figures out that she is an oni. Auxtaku then walks in, asks her to teach him an aincent science, and is told the truth of the fifteen onis. In the present time, a stalker shinobi visits HNA, looking for Auxtaku. Honta manages to pull his mask off, revealing a tall woman with medium length pink hair, and a feather shaped tatoo on her left cheek. Auxtaku freezing up, notices this, and begins to think that she might be his long lost sister. [/SPOILER] LOL. I've noticed the flaws and I've figured out the problem. I'm a manga-ka, and this is a manga I've planned and drawn. Then I decided to adapt the story to a short novel. But the manga would be better than this for sure.And it is. I just am not use to describing so much since, in manga it's all graphic. As for you saying it's a bad remix of different animes, those are some influences you said. DBZ, FMA, and Naruto. I don't think I'm gonna' continue the Oni series... It plain out sucks as a novel.
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