Writing Zocho Ninja Battles [PG]

[Nomura]

Yes, again it seems like everyone has ignored my posts of Ninja Oni. Here's the third chapter. Enjoy (please).


[SIZE=4]ENTRY TO CH. 3[/SIZE]

Jinx walks into a deserted building. "So?", a man in the corner says. He pushes up his glasses, and lets his long blue hair fall over his face. "Guess." Jinx says with a scowl on her face. "Well, judging by the look on your face...you failed... No, wait, nevermind. You never smile anyway. :animesmil " The man said. "Shut up, Tai..."

She walked into a small room where Z was training. His long red braided hair flew from side to side as he hit a punching bag. His automail right arm clanked and clattered. He stopped, and turned away from Jinx. He stared out the window, gazing at the wastelands of Hikaru bay. "Our siblings do not know their true power..." He blankly said. "We'd better keep an eye on them..."

[SIZE=4]Zocho Ninja Battles[/SIZE]

":animecry:Wake up, Honta!!!" Auxtaku screamed. "What?! :animeangr " Honta exclaimed shooting up from his bed. "There's a ninja tournament today!" Saki blasted through the cabin door shouting. "Ninja...Tounament?? What?! I'm not ready! What if I make a fool of myself?!", Honta cried. "You won't make a fool of yourself, it's in your blood. Wait a sec, where does that sound familiar?", Auxtaku gazed in to sky (Well, not the sky...the ceiling of the cabin really...).

At the battle tournaments... The anouncer gets up on the big stone stadium."Fighters!!! You now have been given a schedule telling you where you will fight! Get ready! Round 1, start!", the anouncer shouted as he got off the stage.Shaga from team Shagawa got on the stage. His tan body lit up in the sunlight. His shuck his head and let his purple mohawk, go from side to side. Then Joker from team Clown got on the stage. He snickered. "Go!", the anouncer shouted into his microphone. Shaga ran from side to side of the stadium, and smacked Joker a good one. Joker was down. On the first hit. This battle was over way too soon. "...3...4...fi-"

Joker disappeared from off the ground. Claw marks began to form on Shaga's face. Again and again, Joker beat Shaga swiflty, undetected.

"Psssss...", said a voice from the inside of the stadium rafters, called over to Honta. Honta, with his super senses, heard it easily, a looked to his left at the entrance to the underground, He left to go see who was there. Standing there was a beautiful lushing green-haired girl.

"what do you want?" Honta asked. "To join your team of course! I heard you beat up Kakatsu!" she smiled and laughed. "I don't know, I havn't seen you fight yet." Honta said. "Can I fight you then?", she asked with the cutest laugh."S-Sure I guess..."

"Okay, let me just get my gloves on first...",she said. Then, with Honta off guard she flung a glove unto Honta's face. And for, that one second his eyes were covered, she disappeared. "Hey!" Honta exclaimed, grabbing the glove off his face. Honta fell to the ground; the girl had grabbed his feet from below the underground concrete.

Honta down, and the girl laughing and jumping up in joy. This was truly embarassing for the top-notch student. "Sooo?", the girl asked. "I do' know...", Honta said with a look of embarassment on his face. "I'll...give you a kiss...", the girl came close to Honta. Real close.

"I couldn't ask you to do that...I don't even know your name..." Honta said quietly.
"It's Eracin, and you don't need to ask..."

"I guess y-"

[Howlingvampire4]

I think not that many people read your posts because they are too long. :animestun
I would read them, but maybe if they were a little shorter, or more interactice. Like you say "(person's name) did this, or this," that way, ppl could put themselves in that situation, and get more excited about the story, or let maybe some ppl write parts, or stuff like that. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to give advice. :animeswea

[Nomura]

LOL. Too long... Hmmm. What's interatice? Please translate what you mean, because I'm not sure exactly what you mean.

[Howlingvampire4]

[quote name='Nomura']LOL. Too long... Hmmm. What's interatice? Please translate what you mean, because I'm not sure exactly what you mean.[/quote]

OMG! I shouldv'e reread it, I'm srry, I meant INTERACTIVE. :animeswea

[Nomura]

Ok, what do you mean by interactive...

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2]Guys, this kind of conversation can be held via PM. Interactive is when more than one person participates [or is mentioned in the story, too, I suppose]. There are a couple of 'interactive' threads on OB; for instance, Solo Tremaine's Enter the Net was a fantastic OB based story.

I don't think, however, that catering to the masses will actually get you more reviews. Some times your stories just don't attract as many people as other stories. It isn't a bad thing, it's just the way it is.

Personally, I don't really understand the story/characters. I'm assuming it's some sort of anime, so that could explain it. My suggestion is that, in order to improve it, you add more description -- what do the characters look like, how do they stand, how do they talk, what does your main character see, or feel, or smell, or touch -- all these things help to make a story better and more real for the reader.
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[Onix]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]I think Lady Asphyxia really pegged the problem - I know nothing about any of these characters, beyond a short physical description and their names, and thus, don't care about them or their journey. If you try to introduce the characters better, or at least a main, central character, the story will be much more engrossing and interesting

That's not to say that you should do some huge, exposition-type paragraph giving us the main character's life story. Just...focus on him/her/them for a while, tell us what they they look like, how they act, what they feel. Make us understand them, give us time to like and care about them. Hopefully, you'll be able to create something great one of these days. Writing is a rare craft, after all, and should be cherished.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Nomura]

This might be hard since...there are two main characters. Auxtaku(Oh-tok-ew) and Honta(Hon-tuh) are two individuals. One is an alchemist, the other a shinobi who mastered the five senses as well as tai-jitsu. Perphaps I should switch characters between paragraphs?

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2]No, I don't think you understand what we're trying to say. If there are two main characters, it doesn't mean you can't focus on them. We still need to be able to know who they are, and what they think and what they look like and what they like. As Unborn Lord Xion said, make us care about your characters. Instead of just telling us that the character is doing something, tell us [i]why[/i] they are doing it. [/size][/font]