Manga My manga story what do you think?

[Up4anime]

It's about 3 cousins:Rikku Jin and Jupiter.They have lived all there lives working for a guy.They are now 18 and they are given there last job beforthey can go free.They must kill all of the 30 people who have been touched and bring there seeds back to Garten(the guy).All of the 30 people who have been touched have a mark somewhere on there body.Some know they've been touched some dont.On there Journey they meet a girl named Aya whom Jupiter saves not knowing she's been touched she reminds him of his dead mother.She wants to make it up to him for saving her.When he finds out he has to kill her he is sad but what can he do.He gets a message that he dosnet have to kill her yet she will be the last one that he kills.He tells her that he knows how she can make it up to him she must journey with him to kill 29 monsters.She agress and tells him she will help him kill the final one but thats all.She dosent know she's the final one.So there journey begins.This manga will just follow up on all that happens to rikku Jin Jupiter and Aya.I want it to be called Joinig Jupiter.
What do you think?

[Takanutsu]

[QUOTE=Up4anime]It's about 3 cousins:Rikku Jin and Jupiter.They have lived all there lives working for a guy.They are now 18 and they are given there last job beforthey can go free.They must kill all of the 30 people who have been touched and bring there seeds back to Garten(the guy).All of the 30 people who have been touched have a mark somewhere on there body.Some know they've been touched some dont.On there Journey they meet a girl named Aya whom Jupiter saves not knowing she's been touched she reminds him of his dead mother.She wants to make it up to him for saving her.When he finds out he has to kill her he is sad but what can he do.He gets a message that he dosnet have to kill her yet she will be the last one that he kills.He tells her that he knows how she can make it up to him she must journey with him to kill 29 monsters.She agress and tells him she will help him kill the final one but thats all.She dosent know she's the final one.So there journey begins.This manga will just follow up on all that happens to rikku Jin Jupiter and Aya.I want it to be called Joinig Jupiter.
What do you think?[/QUOTE]

Thats awesome maybe you could show me some of the art youve done to it.O yea and what have the people been touched by?

[daredevilsdad]

thats sound great you know the mark that your talking about is some kind of tattoo or something thats give them powers

[Up4anime]

[quote name='Takanutsu']Thats awesome maybe you could show me some of the art youve done to it.O yea and what have the people been touched by?[/quote]

They dont know yet but they later find out.
I havent done any art yet i cant draw im trying to get a friend to do it for me.

EDIT: [quote name='daredevilsdad']thats sound great you know the mark that your talking about is some kind of tattoo or something thats give them powers[/quote]

No hey dont have any powers from it.Only one does which is Aya.

[color=darkblue][size=1][b]In the future, please use the Edit button to add to yor posts rather than double-posting, thanks. -Lady K[/color][/size][/b]

[Chikara Kokoro]

The suggestions for this are at the bottom of this post, but before I can address that I have to ask a couple of questions that were bothering me about this.

I'm doing my best to ignore the lack of space between each sentence, but it's really hard. Is pressing the space bar that difficult?

Is the title really Joinig Jupiter, or is it supposed to be Joining Jupiter?

[quote name='Up4anime']It's about 3 cousins:Rikku Jin and Jupiter.They have lived all there lives working for a guy.[/quote]

There are many guys in the world. Actually, depending on how you use the word, anything can be a "guy." Please specify what kind of "guy" this is. Evil? Drug dealer? English teacher?

What is a seed? What does touched mean? I'm sure everyone has been touched at some point. Do they all wear gloves wherever they go to avoid becoming ?touched?? If you're going to introduce terms it would be helpful and courteous to write out what they mean.

There are other things that make no sense in this, but I think that's more than enough for me to bring to your attention ^^;

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that all three of the cousins are male. Supposing that's the case, I'd suggest that you change it so at least one of the cousins is female. That way you can have both a wider demographic and more interesting character interaction.

Thirty is a very round number. Even though I have no idea what being "touched" means, it sounds like some sort of disease or attack by monsters, or some other manner or random distribution. Is there a reason why there are thirty people? On top of that, with the assumption that each of these "touched" are humans, then you must be planning to show the deaths of thirty humans in your manga. That would be fine if it was with monsters, or people that are evil, or if the three main characters were hit men, but with your description I am led to believe that that isn't the case. I know that I personally wouldn't be able to read something with such merciless characters that are willing to kill thirty people for a job unless they had some serious psychological issues.

I have to give you credit that in spite of the amount of typos and grammatical errors, there is a original idea in there. There are many things that don't make sense or that seem too coincidental, but with good characters I'd give this a chance.

Edit: It would be easier to help you with your story idea if you could tell us what being "touched" means. Even if it is something that's revealed later on, the story makes no sense without that detail.

[Up4anime]

The guy they are working for's name is Garten.He is evil they have to work for him or Riiku's mother(the only family they have left) will be killed.Rikku will be kept alive only to work for Garten,will be publically tortured everyday and kept under survailance so she cannot kill herself.Jin and Jupiter will both be killedGarten choose them to do the job because Rikku is the only one who possesses a skill that can capture seeds.Sorry for not meantioning earlier i forgot that Rikku could be used for a boy or girls name.Well Rikku is a girl and Jin and Jupiter are both boys.Rikku has feelings for bot Jupiter and Jin and is jeaulous of aya.

As to being touched there was a young women who was dying of a diasese no one had heard of and had no cure for.The diasese cause a black mark the shape of a leaf to appear on her body the mark was slowly getting bigger until it would consume her entire body and kill her.The women(whose name was Dai)Was angry thinking it was so unfair that she had to die so young.She wanted to make people suffer with her.Realizing she only has 30 days to live she decides she will put her suffering on others by giving them her diasese,but not fully they only have the mark.She only gives it to 30 people and the ast one she gives it to was a little girl named Aya.The mark is on her stomach but she is the only one who's mark will get bigger like Dai's.Aya does not know that she's been touched she just knows that she has a mark on her stomach.
And the people who were touched are not monsters they are human.Also the the title is Joining Jupiter,

[Kenshin DX]

So is this going to be an action series? Or is it going to just be a gruesome killing story?

[Up4anime]

Basically it's an action series.

[Kenshin DX]

So the "touched pepole" can fight aganist the main charcters? What types of wepons/powers do the chacters possess?

[Up4anime]

[COLOR=DarkRed]Jupiter carries a sword with a red sheath Rikku dosent have a weapon she hasant practiced with one she can only fight she also has an ability to communicate with Jupiter and Jin without speaking out loud.Jin carries 2 small daggers which he is really good with.Aya however cannot fight.[/COLOR]

[Kenshin DX]

^^Ok that helps alot. Now have you come up with any good fight scense? Or are you going to have this rely on storytelling? Its important two combine them both well. Chacter devlopment is also crucial to a good story make sure to have the chacters change over the course of the story.

[Up4anime]

[COLOR=DarkRed]I have already planned ou some good fighting seens in my head mainly featuring Rikku.I havent really made up Jupiter's style of fighting.The characters do change like Rikku's feelings toward Aya.She starts out hating her but then she gets to know her and feels sort of sorry for her.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DarkRed]As to character personalities

Jin:Outgoing,funny guy who loves to flirt

Jupiter:Queit,and observent

Rikku:Pretty,Jealous,tough girl

Aya:Clueless nice girl

Jin Rikku and Jupiter are 18 and Aya is 16[/COLOR]

[spazmaster]

[FONT=Courier New]im sorry if i sound like a critic and nobody likes my Skepticism but the characters names are pretty common, and the key to making an awsome chara is using new and different features, dont worry you dont have to listen to me. i just thought it might help Sorry again![/FONT]

[trucha]

hey well this is okay but what inspired you to write about this story? im just asking because i have one that i wrote my self called HANA-SAMA. im not done with it but i figured out that it all relates to me and to what i want for my self. :catgirl:

[spazmaster]

[quote name='trucha']hey well this is okay but what inspired you to write about this story? im just asking because i have one that i wrote my self called HANA-SAMA. im not done with it but i figured out that it all relates to me and to what i want for my self. :catgirl:[/quote]

But arnt most stories and plots inspired by the writers inmost feelings even if the story seems as far from the truth as possible, It still has the touch of the writers life in it. I know when I write my manga im going to put as many hidden reference to me in it as possible so that people can see a little bit about the writer. Maybe it'll just be small things but at least it will give the reader those questions. Was that what he, Thought,Heard, felt?

[Up4anime]

[quote name='Samurai Mix']So the "touched pepole" can fight aganist the main charcters? What types of wepons/powers do the chacters possess?[/quote]Some can.Some of the ones who know they've been touched have hired body guards.But some people cant fight.

[quote name='spazmaster][FONT=Courier New']im sorry if i sound like a critic and nobody likes my Skepticism but the characters names are pretty common, and the key to making an awsome chara is using new and different features, dont worry you dont have to listen to me. i just thought it might help Sorry again![/FONT][/quote]
Really i dont kniow much japenese names but i knew that i really wanted the main characters name to be Jupiter and the girls name to be Aya.

[quote name='trucha']hey well this is okay but what inspired you to write about this story? im just asking because i have one that i wrote my self called HANA-SAMA. im not done with it but i figured out that it all relates to me and to what i want for my self. :catgirl:[/quote]
Well i was tired of reading manga's and watching anime and not knowing what happens in the end so i made up this so only i wouyld know.I know that sounds stupid.

[color=darkblue][size=1][b]In the future, [i]use the Edit button to edit posts in rather than triple-posting,[/i] which is against our rules. Thanks. -Lady K[/size][/color][/b]

[Funny Girl]

that story sounds good you should finish the manga. i want to know what happens to them next.

[Up4anime]

actually i made up the ending befor i made up the beginning if you want i can private messaage you and tell you what happensd in the end.

[spazmaster]

can you pm me id like to hear about the end. most good writers start from the end because its easier to set the storyline from the end.

[Up4anime]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Well I guess i can tell you of some things that happen.

Well Aya starts liking Jin because Jupiter is so queit and Rikku has already made it clear to her to stay away from him.Aya has already found out about what they are doing but she still dosent know that she is touched.Jupiter and Jin go off to kill this guy who knows he's touched.Rikku dosent go with them because she is throwing up.Since she is the only one who can collect seeds they have to bring his body back to her.Well anyways her and Aya get to know each other more while the guys are gone.Meanwhile Jin and Jupiter are having a hard time because the has this power where he can hurt them from the inside.Rikku who can communicate with them knows whats going on and she see's Jin is hurt.She goes after them.Aya tries to convence her to stay but she cant.Rikku goes they end up killing the guy but Rikku uses up so much strenth she falls out.Jupiter carries her home and says that he will stay with her for the night.
Aya starts to see how caring Jupiter is and she starts to like him as well as Jin.

When Rikku wakes up she insists on going with them again on their next mission.Jupiter and Jin tell her no but she keeps on insisting until Jin grabs her shouldders and looks her in the face and says"Because i love you I will not let you go."Rikku blushes here i can write it out.

Rikku-(just waking up)

Aya:"Are you o.k?"Jupiter was worried about you he stayed with you all night."

Rikku-(looks at Jupiter)"Im fine."

Jin:"Good so Aya you have no problem babysitting Rikku today?"

Aya:"I'll take care of her I promise she'll be alright."

Rikku:"What are you guys talking about im going with you?"I mean how else are you going to collect the seeds and besides you guys cant last a second without me."

Jupiter:"Rikku your staying."

Rikku:"No im not im going no matter what you say.'

Jin-(Puts his hands on Rikku's shoulders and looks her in the face)"Because i love you I wont aloow you to go."

Rikku-(Blushes and sinks to the floor)"Fine i'll stay,But if you need me please let me come."

Aya-(grabs Jin's hand and whispers in his ear)"Please dont die for me and for her."

Jin-(hugs Aya)"I wont."

Jupiter:"You guys enough we get it he wont die I wont let him."

Aya:"Jupiter you too stay alive o.k."They know your coming for them your already hurt.Im worried."

Jupiter:".........~She's worried about me~

Rikku:"O.k guys just go befor i change my mind."

Jin:"Bye ladies.(Blows a kiss)


O.k thats it for now oh and this symbol ~ means thats what there thinking.[/COLOR]

[Takanutsu]

[QUOTE=Up4anime][COLOR=DarkOrange]Well I guess i can tell you of some things that happen.

Well Aya starts liking Jin because Jupiter is so queit and Rikku has already made it clear to her to stay away from him.Aya has already found out about what they are doing but she still dosent know that she is touched.Jupiter and Jin go off to kill this guy who knows he's touched.Rikku dosent go with them because she is throwing up.Since she is the only one who can collect seeds they have to bring his body back to her.Well anyways her and Aya get to know each other more while the guys are gone.Meanwhile Jin and Jupiter are having a hard time because the has this power where he can hurt them from the inside.Rikku who can communicate with them knows whats going on and she see's Jin is hurt.She goes after them.Aya tries to convence her to stay but she cant.Rikku goes they end up killing the guy but Rikku uses up so much strenth she falls out.Jupiter carries her home and says that he will stay with her for the night.
Aya starts to see how caring Jupiter is and she starts to like him as well as Jin.

When Rikku wakes up she insists on going with them again on their next mission.Jupiter and Jin tell her no but she keeps on insisting until Jin grabs her shouldders and looks her in the face and says"Because i love you I will not let you go."Rikku blushes here i can write it out.

Rikku-(just waking up)

Aya:"Are you o.k?"Jupiter was worried about you he stayed with you all night."

Rikku-(looks at Jupiter)"Im fine."

Jin:"Good so Aya you have no problem babysitting Rikku today?"

Aya:"I'll take care of her I promise she'll be alright."

Rikku:"What are you guys talking about im going with you?"I mean how else are you going to collect the seeds and besides you guys cant last a second without me."

Jupiter:"Rikku your staying."

Rikku:"No im not im going no matter what you say.'

Jin-(Puts his hands on Rikku's shoulders and looks her in the face)"Because i love you I wont aloow you to go."

Rikku-(Blushes and sinks to the floor)"Fine i'll stay,But if you need me please let me come."

Aya-(grabs Jin's hand and whispers in his ear)"Please dont die for me and for her."

Jin-(hugs Aya)"I wont."

Jupiter:"You guys enough we get it he wont die I wont let him."

Aya:"Jupiter you too stay alive o.k."They know your coming for them your already hurt.Im worried."

Jupiter:".........~She's worried about me~

Rikku:"O.k guys just go befor i change my mind."

Jin:"Bye ladies.(Blows a kiss)


O.k thats it for now oh and this symbol ~ means thats what there thinking.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

great I see you have your storyline all laid out I like that. And hey Up4anime if you need an artist you could pm your address to me and id draw for you.

[Up4anime]

[quote name='Takanutsu']great I see you have your storyline all laid out I like that. And hey Up4anime if you need an artist you could pm your address to me and id draw for you.[/quote]
Thank you Thank you Thank you!
I already pm you.
Again
Thank you!