American Independence Revoked

[Jokopoko]

[color=teal][size=1]This letter was released today by the British Government and should make its way to American officials within the next week:

[QUOTE][size=1][u]BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE[/u]

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' ; will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Permits for vegetable peelers must be obtained from the R.C.M.P.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. British Bitter will be served at room temperature.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.[/size][/quote]
I for one welcome this news and greet the newest addition to the United Kingdom.[/size][/color]

[Dagger]

Hm. Maybe now I can finally acquire the sexy British accent I've always wanted. :catgirl:

~Dagger~

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1]Man, I was laughing so much through all of that. It's amusing, but I'm pretty sure that I've brought up [I]every one of those points[/I] with my friends, parents and especially Trevor. ("Aluminium!" "Aluminum!" "It has two 'i's!")

Just...yeah. Everything made me laugh in that, though I wonder if Tony Blair could handle it all while still grinning...all the damn time. [/SIZE]

[Retribution]

[size=1]Ah, I've seen this before. Too bad if the UK tried to retake the USA, they'd be smacked so hard it'd be hilarious. Oh wait! We're in Iraq right now, so I guess we can't defend our own land. Silly me.

Besides -- the UK has all sorts of strange words and sayings and spellings! Why spell center "centre" when it sounds like "center"? Wouldn't you be pronouncing it "cen-tree" or something? And what's with the extra u's in every outhour wourd? It's a greuat labour to writue, and is generally superfluous.

And c'mon, everyone knows that -ize is SO much cooler than -ise. I mean, c'mon ... [i]vaporIZE, centralIZE, iodIZE[/i]... where's the contest? It's got that 50s sci-fi appeal to it.

However, the British accent is [i]oh so much[/i] cooler than an American one. Makes you sound all sophisticated ... unless it's Cockney. Haha. However, you obviously aren't sophisticated, as you seem to have mispelled "Independence." ;)[/size]

[Bloodseeker]

...And this is the part where England gets the **** bombed out of it.

[Aaryanna]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Hehehehe! I doubt anyone will notice that Congress is gone after all just take a look at this!

[B]Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

It is the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.[/B]

So if we become a part of the UK will we get to see Dr. Who episodes as they are created instead of waiting forever for them to finally come here? If so, I?m all for it! LOL!

I?ll still set off fireworks on the 4th though! ^_~[/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

I recall how funny I found it the first time around Bill, this time however I find myself simply agreeing with nearly every sentiment in regard to the English language, however I do demand that English-Ireland be kept in the Microsoft system as there are several Irish terms which have been introduced into the speaking language of the people here. That and your filthy third-generation German monarchy will keep their hands away from my lovely little homeland while I'm not around to defend it properly. After all if the third in line to the throne can go about wearing a Nazi uniform, there's no telling what he might do should he manage to become Kaiser.

For all of you who didn't seem to get the joke, have a look at the date on which the thread was posted and then smack that head of yours hard against the nearest heavy blunt object.[/SIZE]

[Guest Gun Preacher]

Bring It Brrrrrrrrrrrriiiiinnnnnnnnnnnngggggg It B***hes You Should Have Learned Not To Mess If America In The Fifst War We Had Dumbies

We Be In Your Front Yard Yelling Bring Em Out Bring Em Out!!

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1][QUOTE=Gun Preacher]Bring It Brrrrrrrrrrrriiiiinnnnnnnnnnnngggggg It B***hes You Should Have Learned Not To Mess If America In The Fifst War We Had Dumbies

We Be In Your Front Yard Yelling Bring Em Out Bring Em Out!![/QUOTE]

...Wha? Perhaps if the UK had America back in its Empire one would learn to spell correctly?

Gavin, sir, your point about Prince Harry was a low blow, but I for one really hope he doesn't actually become king. Even though the royal family don't have a huge amount of power, he wouldn't be the best, hmm, representative. Besides, William is much [STRIKE]cuter[/STRIKE] responsible.

And I'm glad to see that most Americans have taken this as a joke, because seriously...where did most of your ancestors come from in the first place? Learn to laugh a little when someone else takes the piss. :p [/SIZE]

[Gavin]

[quote name='Ezekiel][SIZE=1]Gavin, sir, your point about Prince Harry was a low blow, but I for one really hope he doesn't actually become king. Even though the royal family don't have a huge amount of power, he wouldn't be the best, hmm, representative. Besides, William is much [STRIKE]cuter[/STRIKE'] responsible.[/SIZE][/quote]

[SIZE=1]While I apologise profusely dear daughter if you found offense in my statement, please remember that it was not I who chose to glorify a group of murdering fascists. Still it is accurate to declare the heir to the throne to be third generation German, Captain Edmund Blackadder was quite clear in his assessment. ;)[/SIZE]

[quote name='Ezekiel][SIZE=1']And I'm glad to see that most Americans have taken this as a joke, because seriously...where did most of your ancestors come from in the first place? Learn to laugh a little when someone else takes the piss. :p [/SIZE][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Actually dear Jamie, and again I hate to bring it up the vast majority of Americans are either of Irish or German descent. Anyway it doesn't matter really as in the end we're all descended from the apes.[/SIZE]

[Sandy]

Heh. Funny.

Not a great April Fool's joke, because nobody will fall for it. Also, there's much truth in it, for example:

[quote]You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.[/quote]

This is really the picture we Europeans get from the media about America's habit of solving problems. And what do you know, this thread has already gotten [B]two[/B] bombing threats against UK. XP

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1][quote name='Gavin][SIZE=1']Actually dear Jamie, and again I hate to bring it up the vast majority of Americans are either of Irish or German descent. Anyway it doesn't matter really as in the end we're all descended from the apes.[/SIZE][/quote]

Just to clarify, as I was obviously unclear in my statment, I wasn't saying that the vast majority of Americans come from England, but that they weren't native to the country in the first place. That's all I was getting at as I know a load of Americans have strong Irish links. And don't anyone start flaming me, because I never said [I]all[/I] Americans, just most, okay?[/SIZE]

[Gavin]

[quote name='Ezekiel][SIZE=1]Just to clarify, as I was obviously unclear in my statment, I wasn't saying that the vast majority of Americans come from England, but that they weren't native to the country in the first place. That's all I was getting at as I know a load of Americans have strong Irish links. And don't anyone start flaming me, because I never said [I]all[/I'] Americans, just most, okay?[/SIZE][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Of course, of course, my own fault for not properly understanding your statement. As well all know it's the Native Americans who were there originally, as for flaming you, Jamie you know I would never do such a thing.[/SIZE]