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Writing Love Poems off the top of my brain{PG]


Nomura
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[COLOR=DarkRed][B]Well, here is just a bunch of poems about love and etc. that I am making up with as I go. I want to see how good I am at this. :animesmil


You seal me with an arrow
This path
Is so narrow
I go one way, but it doesn't work
And the other way seems to hurt
So why I am enclosed
with a duty that I can't take my part?
But if this is suppossed to be love from your heart
Then why is your love so dark?
Here's my chest, and you've made your mark
Here's an arrow through my heart

It's Valentines, And I'm so shy
My throat is so dry
Would you fill me with with the red of roses?
Blue as violet?
But white as the clouds?
My mind is blinking on and on
It's screaming your name so loud
I stood forward, and you heard me out
No tears today, todays a drought

Take heed this message
This message you'll face
Love is hurtful, but I still fight
I fight for this love
This love I will chase
This message is brief
It is nearly over
But you must drink from the cup of love
Please don't be sober

LOL, they were off the top of my brain. I need practice with off-the-top-of-my-head poems[/B][/COLOR]
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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Metal Dragon
[COLOR=Red]Great poem! I really liked it, mine also came of the top of my head, but your's is way longer, not sure if mine's a love poem, though :D [/COLOR]
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[size=1][color=#B2566B]I bear this as a warning and please, I am asking you kindly and nicely, read the [B][URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=48241]Constructive Criticism[/B][/URL] stickie, as well as the [B][URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313]OB Anthology Basics[/B][/URL].

If I see anymore unnecessary criticism- not that I?m pointing fingers, I will be forced to close this thread. Thank you for your time.

- Revelation.[/size][/color]
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Since these are poems off of the top of your head I?m pretty impressed. Rough drafts are evil little things, and you managed to make them quite nice.

You might want to lay off of the simple rhyming schemes. When I started out with poetry I always though you had to rhyme, but you really don't. As long as there is a rhythm that a person can feel throughout the poem you'll be fine. It might be fun for you to experiment with different, more complex, rhyming schemes.

My creative writing teacher always gives me the critique "show, don't tell," (perhaps with better grammar XD) and I'm going to say the same for you. Describe your emotions. Rather than saying "I'm shy" explain your shy nature with figurative language. Don't go overboard with it though. There's a thin line between using figurative language properly and being a hack. :p

The first poem is average. The arrow metaphor is good, but the flow of the poem would be better if you got rid of the question marks.

I don't like the second poem as much. I don't understand what you're trying to say with it, and the whole ?roses are red, violets are blue? thing is hackneyed to me. In may opinion they shouldn't be used in a poem unless it's a parody XD I'm picky though.

The third poem is nice. There's a quick pace to it, and I like the quick flashes of images that it gave me. The last two lines were original and made me want more.
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  • 2 weeks later...
LOL, this next one is a long poem about...well...love mostly, but it also has other elements if you pay attention. :animesmil Oh yeah, the person I'm talking about "Sister" in this poem, is just an awesome friend, not my sibling. :animesmil This actually has a name! Yay!

[I][B] Though I hate me, please, love me[/B][/I]


This is for the sadness of my Sister
This is for the hatred to myself

I know I'm a joker
Wild-eyed and covered with lies
But someone should suffer more than me?
I must, I know what I really am.
I'll shed my tears, but please don't give in

Her sadness destroys me
Like a dangerous fee
To being close to me

I don't want this any more than you
Your hatred is for me to do...
Away with

So hate me for now,
So you won't cry..when I let you down.

Sister, smile
Don't want to see that frown.
Never again.
No, not ever again.

I'll lie
Don't cry

Just the nature of my own.
Put it on my back,
and settle youself into your throne.

at least, you're comfortable
happy, it's so indescribable

how I feel.
And how, I deal,
With this burden

Burden to love you.
Can't help this feeling
So I'm kneeling
On my knees

I still want you to love me.
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[QUOTE=Nomura][COLOR=DarkRed][B]
But you must drink from the cup of love
Please don't be sober

LOL, they were off the top of my brain. I need practice with off-the-top-of-my-head poems[/B][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[COLOR=DarkOrchid]I write poems off of the top of my head all the time. And few of them come out as witty and interesting as that. ^_^ That's some real talent there. Work on it, whatever needs to be worked on, and you will go far. Thanks for posting it here. That's awsome. [/COLOR]
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