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Writing When You Said [PG? - L]


Aberinkula
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[COLOR=Blue]Today two of my best friends broke up, so here's a song that has those pent-up emotins inside. It say "shit" a couple of times, but nothing M rated. that's why there's a question mark on the raing. Enjoy.[/COLOR]

[U][SIZE=3][B][CENTER][COLOR=Blue]When You Said[/COLOR][/B] [/SIZE][/U]

[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=DimGray]I remember my first love,
She was a godsend from above.
But that turned out to be fake.
I put myself at stake.

[B]But it really went to shit,
When you said ?our love won?t quit.?
Then the daggers fell like rain.
And all I felt was pain.[/B]

That makes you a lost cause,
As you tear me up with claws.
Why did you have to lie?
Now my heart might die.
Now every time I see your face,
I feel like running from the place.
Your stuck inside my mind,
As the truth fell behind.

Now I feel myself start to brake,
As my heart starts to ache.
But it all went by so fast,
When you said that it would last.
Even though I believed,
You just started to deceive.
I remember all the lies.
Don?t you wish that I would die?

[B]But it really went to shit,
When you said ?our love won?t quit.?
Then the daggers fell like rain.
And all I felt was pain.[/B]

Now all I want to do is die,
Why did you have to lie?
Can?t you see it?s killing me?
I still think we can not be.
As I start to die,
I can see a tear inside your eye.
Do you feel some kind of pain?
Do you sense that in death, you have nothing left to gain?

Don?t you see,
That you can be with me?
Our love could last.
We could just forget the past.
Or would you rather be alone?
Living like a stone.
I know you may be gone,
But that doesn?t mean I?m wrong.
And every night I cry,
I wish that I would die.

[B]But it really went to shit,
When you said ?our love won?t quit.?
Then the daggers fell like rain.
And all I felt was pain.[/B]

I Thought of suicide,
Then I heard you cry.
As I held you in my hand,
The pain went down like sand.
We can be together today,
And our hate will go away.

Even though were just youth,
I can see the valid truth.
I can be with you all my life,
As I hold the rusted knife.
Put it inside your heart,
That will make the hate fall apart.

Love my our be the way,
For each other to stay.
You may put me through abuse,
But now you see the use.
Our lives are now in our hands.
As we walk the scarlet sands.[/COLOR][/CENTER]

[COLOR=Blue][CENTER][][][]
What do you guys think about this one?[/CENTER][/COLOR][/FONT]
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[COLOR=DarkOrange]This one is a mixed bag for me. I think most of the problems spring from the fact that this is definitely too long. Not that poems can't be long, you've just recycled a fw of the ideas too many times. For instance, your plight is obviously trying to make a relationship work, but you only do two things - express your remorse, and say that you think it could work (though apparently your idea of 'work' is 'kill' which I think is cool). Now, it's okay to do these things, and you do them well in spots, but in others you don't.

your rhymes are very basic, as I'm sure you have noticed, but that's not really a problem for me if they are functional, and in this case they are. The lines are never so off that you can't imagine them being sung, and everything fits into place well in that sense.

Overall your main problem is simply repetition. First and foremost, you don't need so many chorus repetitions, especially not all bunched up in the front like that. There are plenty of substantial lines here, such as the chorus as well as the following for examples:

[I]I Thought of suicide,
Then I heard you cry.
As I held you in my hand,
The pain went down like sand.
We can be together today,
And our hate will go away.

Even though were just youth,
I can see the valid truth.
I can be with you all my life,
As I hold the rusted knife.
Put it inside your heart,
That will make the hate fall apart.

Love my our be the way,
For each other to stay.
You may put me through abuse,
But now you see the use.
Our lives are now in our hands.
As we walk the scarlet sands.[/I]

In fact, that part alone could be turned into a poem and be better than the rest of the poem, I'd say. My only suggestions would be removing the word 'the' at the end of stanza 2 and maybe changing the name to 'scarlet sands.' The rest is just sort of there, though certain lines stand out as bad/cheesy:

[I]But did I prove a point?
Is that why you kicked from your joint?
That?s when I realized you weren?t the one,
As I burned in the sun.

As the children start to cry,
Why is there a tear inside your eye?
Do you feel some pain,
When I fall once again?

Or would you rather be alone?
Living like a stone.[/I]

All in all, I'd say it's alright, better with editing. I'd suggest you go through with a critical eye of your own and do what you think is right.[/COLOR]
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[QUOTE=2007DigitalBoy][COLOR=DarkOrange]This one is a mixed bag for me. I think most of the problems spring from the fact that this is definitely too long. Not that poems can't be long, you've just recycled a fw of the ideas too many times. For instance, your plight is obviously trying to make a relationship work, but you only do two things - express your remorse, and say that you think it could work (though apparently your idea of 'work' is 'kill' which I think is cool). Now, it's okay to do these things, and you do them well in spots, but in others you don't.

your rhymes are very basic, as I'm sure you have noticed, but that's not really a problem for me if they are functional, and in this case they are. The lines are never so off that you can't imagine them being sung, and everything fits into place well in that sense.

Overall your main problem is simply repetition. First and foremost, you don't need so many chorus repetitions, especially not all bunched up in the front like that. There are plenty of substantial lines here, such as the chorus as well as the following for examples:

[I]I Thought of suicide,
Then I heard you cry.
As I held you in my hand,
The pain went down like sand.
We can be together today,
And our hate will go away.

Even though were just youth,
I can see the valid truth.
I can be with you all my life,
As I hold the rusted knife.
Put it inside your heart,
That will make the hate fall apart.

Love my our be the way,
For each other to stay.
You may put me through abuse,
But now you see the use.
Our lives are now in our hands.
As we walk the scarlet sands.[/I]

In fact, that part alone could be turned into a poem and be better than the rest of the poem, I'd say. My only suggestions would be removing the word 'the' at the end of stanza 2 and maybe changing the name to 'scarlet sands.' The rest is just sort of there, though certain lines stand out as bad/cheesy:

[I]But did I prove a point?
Is that why you kicked from your joint?
That?s when I realized you weren?t the one,
As I burned in the sun.

As the children start to cry,
Why is there a tear inside your eye?
Do you feel some pain,
When I fall once again?

Or would you rather be alone?
Living like a stone.[/I]

All in all, I'd say it's alright, better with editing. I'd suggest you go through with a critical eye of your own and do what you think is right.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]


[COLOR=Blue]I guess long poems have died out around our era. But I see where your coming from.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE] [COLOR=DimGray][I]But did I prove a point?
Is that why you kicked from your joint?
That?s when I realized you weren?t the one,
As I burned in the sun.

As the children start to cry,
Why is there a tear inside your eye?
Do you feel some pain,
When I fall once again?

Or would you rather be alone?
Living like a stone.[/I][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=Blue]I see what you mean by bad/cheesy right here.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray]I thought of naming this poem/song or whatever, "Scarlet Sands" but I decided it wasn't used that much as hole. But what can I say, sometime's the name isn't even in the poem.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]Thanks for the tips. I guess I can't see the mistakes of my writings in my own eyes, until soemone's eyes do it before mine.[/COLOR]
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