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Writing Gates of Ruin


Aberinkula
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[CENTER][IMG]http://www.otakuboards.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=26240&stc=1[/IMG]
[SIZE=1][color=indigo]Banner by Satori[/color][/SIZE][/CENTER]
[COLOR=NAVY][center]~~~~~~X~~~~~~[/center]
[B]“Master Æsir, are we ready to leave for Overworld?”[/B] A man asked. [b]“Yes Loki, soon we’ll be able to find that relic once and for all.”[/b] Loki, a servant of this man nodded. [b]“Good, but are you sure we won’t attract any attention from those humans?”[/b] Loki asked. [b]“If we ever hope to find that relic we will have to trudge through human territory. Alas, it will be hard. But it won’t be all for nought either, that relic will allow us to open the gateway, and that prize is worth anything for us!”[/b]

Æsir held his hand up to his chin. He started to chuckle evilly. [b]“Humans, they’re powerless compared to us anyways Loki, you have nothing to worry about.”[/b] Loki nodded. [b]“Yes lord Æsir, you’re completely right.”[/b]

[b]“That is unless someone else finds that relic. Then we may have to dirty our hands.”[/b] Æsir’s eyes were suddenly struck with fear. [b]"So that means we better hurry.”[/b] With that they both went off.

[center]~~~~~~X~~~~~~[/center]

In the town of Lowville there existed ruins from the ages past. When discovered archeologists found artifacts tying back from Norse times. Artifacts that remembered the Norse gods and goddesses were discovered and brought to a local museum.

The location where the ruins were discovered were an odd area. Further study found that an ancient civilization who was a clan of vikings, disbanded from the Vikings years ago. They made new objects, gods, and other things among them. As well as a legendry item. Now they ruins are open to the public where the people may dig up objects and get money for them. It’s popular among the teenagers as a place to get together. But recently the ruins have become old and creaky, now the walls and ceilings of the ruins are crashing, making it closed to the public.

[center]~~~~~~X~~~~~~[/center]

[b]“Are you sure we should be going in dude?”[/b]A teenage male said. [b]“Leo, we won’t be in there long, you have nothing to worry about.”[/b]

Leo sighed. [b]“Okay, but if we get in trouble it’s all your fault Trevor.”[/b] Trevor looked over at Leo, he just shook his head. He looked to his right at a girl her name was Chloe, she wasn’t much of a talker.

[b]“Are you alright Clo?”[/b] Trevor asked her, she nodded. [b]“Well, we’re going in guys.”[/b] Trevor said as he walked forward. Leo stopped him. [b]“Are you sure about this dude?”[/b] He asked. Trevor shook his head, with a smile he gave Leo a thumbs up. Hopefully everything could go well.

[center]~~~~~~X~~~~~~[/center][/COLOR]

[size=1][color=indigo][b]Terms:[/b]

[b]Overworld[/b] - The human realm of earth. Where the begining of the story takes place
[b]Underworld[/b] - The realm of demons and spirits under he magical forcefield of earth.
[b]Silpheien (Sil-fee-n)[/b] - Ancient world started by mages form centuries ago. There are 9 sectors of this world. Midgard is the 1st sector and Asgard is the 2nd sector.
[b]Relic[/b] - Ancient item that holds the key to opening the gates to Silpheien.


[b]Character Bios:[/b]

[b]Trevor Lionel[/b] - Abonded at birth and found in the outskirts of town by a middle class family. Currently 17; he loves to adventure.
[b]Leonardo Willaims[/b] - Used to be a rich boy within Lowville. Ran away from home after his new father arrived. Parents tried to get him home but he denied. After his parents stopped trying they left him for adoption, now trevor's adoptive family has custody of him.
[b]Chloe Feleece[/b] - Silent but beautiful. She has been living with her real family. Recently her brother was murdred, now she doesn't talk because of that trauma.
[b]Æsir[/b] - Nothig much is known about him. he is a hume-demon. Approx. 398 years old. Searching for the relic.
[b]Loki[/b] - Æsir's younger brother and second-in-command. Approx. 357 years old.

More terms & characters will be unlocked as the story progresses.[/color][/size]

[COLOR="Navy"]EDIT:It's just an intro for now, but I know it's like a bomb waiting to go off! 'm working on chapter 1 now, so I'll have it up.[/COLOR]
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[FONT=Arial]I'll be honest: I am not really sure what I can say about what you've got here. The fact that you really only have about a half-page of content, composed of three almost completely separate scenes, hampers my ability to appreciate your concept; with what you have so far, I have only a vague idea of what all is happening, to say nothing of where you appear to be going.

I can see that you've had some thoughts about the story's background, setting, and mythos (the Norse bit, and the snippet of plot), but I can tell you have many gaps to fill. I think you would be well-served to get into the what and why of your story much, much more than you have at this point. Additionally, don't just put details in as footnotes. Footnotes really don't do much besides say [I]"...and, oh yeah, [U]this[/U] is what I was talking about..."[/I]. Find a way to work them into the main body of text, so you can keep your reader interested.

Your dialogue is confusing, at best. As a writer, you are [I]required[/I] to start a new paragraph with a change of speaker; if you don't, things like your first paragraph will happen, where it is quite hard to make out who is actually saying what ? and your speech tags aren't much help. Notice:

[QUOTE][COLOR=Navy][I][B]?Master Æsir, are we ready to leave for Overworld??[/B] A man asked.

[B]?Yes Loki, soon we?ll be able to find that relic once and for all.?[/B]

Loki, a servant of this man nodded. [B]?Good, but are you sure we won?t attract any attention from those humans??[/B] Loki asked.

[B]?If we ever hope to find that relic we will have to trudge through human territory. Alas, it will be hard. But it won?t be all for nought either, that relic will allow us to open the gateway, and that prize is worth anything for us!?[/B][/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

This is better-feeling. (Actually, at first glance it seems as though the same speaker utters the first and second spoken sentences, which made the speaker seem schizoid for a half-second, what with answering his own question, calling himself "master", and all.) But I got the general gist of the scene, and here's what I have for you.

Right off the bat, we have a man asking a question. But that's all we know. He's a man.

I realize that you were going for an effect of obscurity, but you forgot to even give him a shape. Is he tall? stooped? chunky? suspicious (and yes, that [I]is[/I] a shape; think about it)? Is he cowering under the gaze of his master, or leaning lazily on whatever it is he might be leaning on? What else is there about him? Is his voice raspy, or pleasant, or whining?

You give us a name later, but that's pretty much all we have about the poor guy. Æsir at least has a chin, and a hand that he's holding up to it. (Is he touching his chin, by the way, or cradling it, or is he just kind of doing the "not touching you!!" deal?) :p

Your second scene is, quite bluntly, just not well constructed. You open with a bit of a cliché, and then you throw in barely any detail. I have two specific places I want to pick on you about.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR=Navy]They made new objects, gods, and other things among them. As well as a [B][COLOR=Red]legendry[/COLOR][/B] item.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
First: legendary. "Legendry" is how Patrick Stewart pronounces it.

Second: bad sentence structure. Either use commas and make them one sentence, or change the lead-in to the second part. If you don't want to rewrite it, then I'd opt for the first part, but I think it'd be better for you to rewrite it. Basically ? and I see a lot of people doing this ? "as well as _________" is often misused as a separate thought, even though it quite obviously subordinate. It even [I]feels[/I] incomplete. You might as well just walk into someone's conversation and interject "As well as a biscuit." It makes very little sense, even taken in context.

Third: you're still suffering from being too vague. E.g.: "new objects,...and other things...." That bit basically says Jack Bupkus. Elaborate, if only for your own amusement.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR=Navy]But recently the ruins have become old and creaky, now the walls and ceilings of the ruins are crashing, making it closed to the public.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]

Again, bad sentence structure. This one definitely needs a rewrite.

Also, [I]"...making it closed to the public,"[/I] isn't the way you want to say that. I'd try and offer some options for you on that one, but I can't do it without completely rewriting you paragraph, and I will not do that to you. It's far too presumptuous, and a bit insulting, I think.

Concerning your third scene, you fell into the speaker-change trap once more; and, yet again, we have absolutely no idea who these people are, aside from names and corresponding gender.

Overall, you might have some merit with [U]Gates of Ruin[/U] if you'll sit down and thresh the story out in detail for yourself, but right now it is rather lackluster.[/FONT]
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[FONT="papyrus"][CENTER][SIZE="3"][B][U][COLOR="Purple"]CHAPTER 1// The Relic[/COLOR][/U][/B][/SIZE][/CENTER][/FONT]

[COLOR="Navy"]Trevor, Leo, and Chloe all walked inside the run-down ruins of Lowville. The ceiling was about five foot over Trevor’s head. He stood at five-foot, seven inches above the ground. Leo was shorter than him by about three inches. Chloe was the same size as Leo, but she tilted her head al the time, so she didn’t look the same height. But Leo weighed more than the others, most of his muscle was in his legs.

The ruins themselves were getting moldy, and some of the corridors were blocked by fallen rocks. Spot’s of sunlight shown through the top of the ruins. Puddles of rain on the ground leaked through the roof during heavy storms. Luckily paths they took were still stable, unlike most of them.

After about 20 minutes of walking around they all came to an intersection. All of the three paths they could take were still in good condition. In the middle of the three paths, was a little window-like structure above their heads.

The sun shone on Leo’s blonde hair. But Chloe’s hair lacked the luster it used to have, after her brother’s murder she became depressed, and her body got weak. Trevor had black hair, he was always happy so his body was still in good shape.

[B]“So where should we go?”[/B] Leo asked nervously. Trevor looked at him d nodded.

[B]“if there’s a way to pick one out of the three without argument, we should do that first. Or we could just split up!”[/B] Trevor’s eyes went right to Leo’s. Leo wasn’t looking too happy about that.

[B]“Okay, then how about we just go through all of them, if we reach a dead end, we go back the way we came and take another path!”[/B] Leo looked at Trevor with a smile. He was hoping that his friend would agree.

[B]“No, we can take more ground by splitting up. Leo, you can take Chloe with you. We can come back later and look through the last path. Leo, you’ll have to suck it up. We’re seventeen, not three, I‘m sure you can take it.”[/B] Leo shook his head. As Trevor took the middle path, Leo and Chloe took the left path.

Trevor’s path wasn’t smooth, it was rugged. The walls had rocks protruding form them. It looked fine from the outside, but the halls were horrible. From the distance a bright light could be seen. Trevor ran towards that light.

[SIZE="1"][CENTER]***{*}***[/CENTER][/SIZE]

Outside of the ruins Æsir, and Loki were standing outside of a portal that they had made. Æsir’s purple skin didn’t exactly “fit in” with the other humans. But they weren’t around them to care. Loki’s skin was a tad brighter than Æsir’s, but they were both the same height. They looked like they were in their twenties, despite them being over three hundred years old. Loki wore black cloth that wrapped around his chest. He also wore black pants made from cotton. Æsir however didn’t wear clothes, he wore silver armor around his body that was light and very comfortable.

[B]“So, master, where is the relic?” [/B]Loki asked. Æsir looked at the opining of the ruins, he smiled evilly.

[B]“My brother, I will use this portal to get inside, so you come with me!”[/B] Æsir and Loki went inside the portal. The other side was the intersection where Trevor and the others had just conversed.

[B]“Well, were here, this machine around my arm should tell me where the energy source is. That source is here the relic is.”[/B] Æsir and Loki walked down the center corridor.

[SIZE="1"][CENTER]***{*}***[/CENTER][/SIZE]

Leo and Chloe had secretly followed Trevor. They were being sneaky. But after a while they heard a strange voice coming from behind them. They both decided to run after Trevor. [B]“Clo, we just tell Trevor that there was a blocked exit where we went and that we couldn’t go farther, okay?” [/B]Chloe nodded.[B] “Good.”[/B]

They ran down the hall fast as lightning. Trevor who had stopped to take a brake, saw them and halted their movement. [B]“I thought you guys were going through a different hallway?” [/B]Leo just nodded.

[B]“We had an excuse lined up too. But we decided to follow you. I don’t know why!” [/B]Trevor just shook his head.

[B]“It’s okay, just follow me.” [/B]Trevor smiled at the other two. After that quick talk, they advanced forward.

As they walked farther, the ceiling got lower and the building grew more moldy. Just few minutes later they reached a door. The light that Trevor had saw was indeed powerful. He crack in the door was very small, but the light shined through it. Trevor closed his eyes as he searched for a handle. After a few seconds they could hear voices just as they opened the door.[B] “Well guys, just enter this room, we can hide in there.”[/B] At that time it seemed like a good idea, but that was going to go sour pretty soon.

Inside the light faded, the room had nothing wrong with it, the room looked brand new. Trevor looked forward to see a sword that was stuck inside a pedestal. Words scribed in a different language were all over it. Strangely Trevor could read those words.

Leo and Chloe were standing at the door looking to see who was coming. Trevor crouched down and started reading the pedestal. He wasn’t even paying attention to the others.

[B][I]“Only the one of black and white, can remove the sword of dark and light.” [/I][/B]Trevor whispered the words on the object very slowly, the language was new but for some reason Trevor could read them. He stood back up from his crouch, just when Chloe and Leo walked over to him. [B]“How could you two not have noticed this when you came in?” [/B]Trevor asked.

[B]“Noticed what, all I see is some old stone with a sharp object inside it.” [/B]Leo replied. Chloe nodded, she hinted of her agreement. She may not talk, but her silence speaks volumes. She doesn’t try to talk at all, but she’s easy to read just by her actions. The last time she talked much was at Trevor’s birthday party a year ago when he turned seventeen.

[B]“Well, I can see a very shiny sword, unless it’s just a trick of the light, I’m going delusional.”[/B] Trevor didn’t believe his eyes. Leo scratched his head. He jumped up.

[B]“Well, grab onto that long pointy stone, and take it out of the one on the ground. See what happens then!” [/B]Trevor looked behind him, footsteps could be heard reaching the room. Trevor nodded without a word and put his hand onto the stone. Without trouble he removed the stone sword from the larger boulder on the ground. As the sword’s removal was complete a shining light engulfed the room.

The sword became silver with a hook on the end. Red stones on the cross-guard stood out like black on white, a small line from the center gem went to the top of the blade, red light flowing through the blade could be seen through the trail. The blade was five feet long and very beautiful. Trevor smiled as Leo and Chloe stared in awe.

[SIZE="1"][CENTER]***{*}***[/CENTER][/SIZE]

[B]“So, Æsir, are we there yet?” [/B]Loki asked. Æsir looked ahead, he noticed the light that had shown just a while ago. A fwseconds later they both reached the door.

[B]“We’re here, and the relic… is in there.” [/B]Æsir opened the doors to see the three teens standing in awe at the blade Trevor had just pulled out. “What!” He shouted with fury and hate. [B]“A stupid child got his gritty hands on the relic? I’ll kill him !” [/B]As soon as the last word was spoken, Æsir charged forth as he cast a fireball spell. He punched Trevor in the jaw. Trevor, Chloe and Leo were surprised at the sudden entry of Æsir and Loki.

[B]“Who the hell are you?!” [/B]Trevor yelled. Æsir picked him up by the shirt. Trevor’s face fell from serious to scared, without a seconds notice.

[B]“Who the hell am I? Who the hell am I! Why I’m Lord Æsir, leader of the Einherjar!”[/B]

Trevor laughed. [B]"What the hell is the 'Einherjar'?" [/B]

As Æsir opened his mouth Loki shut him up [B]"Remember Lord, no one can know about our group!"[/b] Loki reminded Æsir.

[b]"He has the relic! Just leave him be, we can obtain it from him once he finds out what the relic really is. he's teh one fromt hose sotries. The legend! he'll find out fromt ehancients what everything is, then when he goes to our world, we jump him and steal the relic. We shold just go before this gets out of hand!"[/B]

Æsir nodded. [B]"Okay, but you better be right."[/B] Æsir bowed to Trevor. [B]"Oh umm sorry. We've made a mistake you see. We are looking for somthing else. Sorry about that, and uh... the Einherjar; just forget you heard anything! Alright?"[/B]

Trevor just nodded. Loki opened a portal and off they went. Trevor was still on the ground. Leo and Chloe were at his side. [B]"Wonder what that was about?" [/B]Leo asked. Trevor just lowered his head.

[B]"I don't know. But what the hell is this sword?" [/B]Leo and Chloe just blinked. Trevor looked at the pedestal. He thought of the words on it.[B][I] "Only the one of black and white, can remove the sword of dark and light” [/I][/B]Those words ran through his head. Was he this person talked about on the stone? And what was the Einherjar for that matter? These question plagued Trevor, but all would be told very soon.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="indigo"][SIZE="1"][CENTER][][][][/CENTER][/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"]I put in a little foreshodowing into the end there. The answers will be answered in the next chapter, so don't rush your thoughts. Thank you for all the help Allamorph! I hope to see your critique on Chapter 1, that is if you decide to.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
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