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RPG Otaku Bob and the Raiders of the Lost Card

The Spectacular Professor

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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]The convention was in its usual state of pandemonium. Here a desperate otaku vying for the last Haruhi Suzumiya DVD, there a Naruto cosplayer in a life and death struggle against a Sasuke cosplayer. It was actually relatively quiet.

Too quiet.

Bob looked around. These were his kind of people. As an anime and manga enthusiast, he had always wanted to attend Sakura Con. Not like this, though. These were entirely unnecessary circumstances.

He had to get it. He just had to find it before they did. Pulling out his grappling gun, he took aim at an exposed rafter and fired. Dead hit. Rising above the crowd, he glanced around. There it was.

There, on the furthest table at the back of the building, sat a golden statuette of Konata Izumi. Looking down at the crowd below him, Bob noticed quite a few Lucky Star cosplayers. This was going to be tricky.

Bob hauled himself up, inch by inch, until he was near the ceiling. Bingo, he found it; a fire sprinkler. Pulling out his limited edition Lupin III lighter, he flicked his wrist and held the flame to the sprinkler, which instantly activated in the heat. Withing minutes, the floor was clear of the now panicked fans.

Once the coast was clear, Bob strode directly for the figurine. Scooping it up, he turned to leave.

There was a rumble.

Bob turned around to see a giant multicolored ball roll toward him, being pushed by a funny-looking green man with a face like a Tylenol caplet. "Why me? I never even played that game!" Bob thought, running for the door.

Once outside, the coast was clear. Or so Bob thought.

"Excellent work, Mr. Fourapples! Now, If you would be kind enough to hand over the kawaii (that means cute in Japanese!) little statue you're holding..."

It was Weeaboo Pete, Bob's long-time nemesis. Though he was a collector of many of the same items as Bob, Pete was a bit more fanatical. Bob hated that.

"Why should I hand it over?"

Pete gestured. Surrounding Bob were what seemed to be an endless number of Train Heartnet cosplayers, functional Number XIII pistols at the ready.

Looking around quickly, Bob pulled out a working smoke bomb he had bought at a convention earlier. Throwing it down in the faces of the imaginary assassins, he beat a hasty retreat for the airport, where a plane oddly shaped like a Blue Eyes White Dragon was waiting on the runway.

"Start the engine, Nuck!" he panted, dashing full speed for the leg of the mechanical beast.

Nuck Chorris fired up the engine and jumped in the back. Bob crawled into the pilot's seat and flew like he never had before.

"Holycrap, is that Otaku Bob?! He's soooo awesome! I love his work! He is so lucky to be himself!!!"

Bob froze. "Nuck! There's a Fangirl on this plane!"

"Oh, that's just my little sister, Christy. Don't worry about her!"

"I hate fangirls, Nuck! I hate 'em!"

[center][B]. . .[/B][/center]

"...And that is how Aliens, Espers and Time-Travelers were allowed to exist in the world of Haruhi Suzumiya. Any questions? No? Good."

Bob dashed out of the classroom as quickly as he could. He had an important meeting with an important person.

"Evening, Dr. Fourapples."

"Good evening, Ms. Dover."

Eileen Dover was a Pokèmon collector. She had called Bob over for a very special errand.

"So, what did you call me for?"

"I'm glad you asked. I want you to find me a first-edition, holographic, gold-lettered, mint-condition promotional Mewtwo Pokèmon card."

"A chocolate-coated trading card?"

"No, not chocolate-coated, mint-condition. It means 'like new.'"

"Gotcha. Where do I look?"

"I don't know. You'll have to find out for yourself. Are you in?"

"Sure thing. I just gotta make a few calls first."

"To whom?"

Bob winked. "Old friends."

[SIZE="1"]Okay, so here's how it goes. Introduce your character, give a small background, then have them receive a call from our friend Bob. Sorry about the length, by the way. Let's make this the best parody EVAH![/SIZE][/FONT]
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Best one EVAH? Sure thing, Boss!
Chibi-master was in her kitchen trying to make lunch. The meal in question was a grilled cheese sandwich. Being a terrible cook, she had no idea what she was doing. "Um...I think I need a grill for this...Oh, screw the grill, I have a toaster!" she screamed. After blowing up 7 square feet of her kitchen, Chibi retired to her research.

Chibi was a security guard at the local Pokemon Card Museum on weekdays, but on the weekends, she was a researcher for hire. She had been hired by a man that wanted to know how to put a radio-active potater into orbit. Chibi might have been done with this work if she hired assisstants, but she didn't want any novices screwing up her research. So she slaved away, wishing she had something else to do.

Chibi almost jumped out of her Gir suit when Caramelldansen filled her work area. "Neh? My cell phone?" she muttered as she picked it up, hoping it wasn't the guy that hired her. Then she saw the caller ID. "Bob?! I wonder what he wants."

"Chibi-master, that you?"
"Who else, ya' dingbat?! Anyway, whatcha' need?"
"A million dollars."
"Hardy-har-har. Seriously?"
"Okay, okay. I need your help with something."
"What's that?"
"Meet me at the Anti-4 kids Airport and I'll fill you in on the details."
"Okay. Well, I gotta go and do somethin' real quick."
"All right, bye then."

Chibi hung up the phone and started to dial a different number. The number of the guy she was currently working for. "Hey, yeah, I quit." she said and then hung up. [I]This'll be fun[/I], she thought as she went to her closet to pack a few small items for the trip.
Sorry if it's a bit long...^_^; I tried.
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Nuck, who had been with Bob sometime since the convention, Already knew what was going on.

Nuck had been a student just graduated, and started working for bob for various jobs, until the day of the convention. before that happened he had been at home watching Sailor moon Abridged, and eating cheese-its, and was called up from bob and asked if He had ever flew a plane.

"Perfect, I need you"

Having to get his dual-disk and bay-blades, he passed by a quaint shop where he saw, a .5 horsepower, dualstrike, rubber-band shooter, having only 50 bucks for prep, he bought it.

With his equipment ready and his head up high he called up his old collage roomie, Tall Square.

"Hey TS, Remember me? Well remember that fire I put out for you? I found a way you can repay me.... :smirk:
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Tall square sat outside the school waiting on Riyoshu to come out. [I] I'm going to get that SOB back and take back my Otakubob socks that he stole from me. [/I]

Riyoshu immerged from school laughing with his friends. "Riyoshu! I challenge you to a DUEL for my socks"

"Never Tall Square, you and your inferior Duel masters deck can take a hike, don't make me and my boys kick your ass"

"I challenge you to a duel. There's no way the geek squad can beat me."

Tall Square didn't call them the geek squad to make fun. They really were the geek squad from Best Buy.

"Now take my socks off your hands and duel me!" Riyoshu looked at the socks and yanked them off his hands. "Grr I thought these were gloves dang it"

After a quick laugh "hahahahahahahaha" Riyoshu pulled out his deck and walked towards Tall Square.

"You know our rules square, we ALWAYS cut each others deck" As Riyoshu stood inches away from Tall Square he held his hand out with his deck in it.
After cutting Tall Square reached in his pocket. And with the other hand punched Riyoshu in the face knocking him to the ground. Dropping the socks and his cell phone. "HAHA I am victorious....huh?" The phone rang. Wanting to tel the person on the phone how he beat the crap out of Riyoshu Tall Square answered the phone.

"Is that you tall square?"
"Nuck??? Oh my goodness. Wait how did you know I had Riyoshu's phone?"
"I'm kufcing nuck chorris I know everything!"
"That's true so what's up?"
"Remember that fire I put out for you in college? Well I know a way you can repay me!"

Nuck proceeded to tell Tall Square about everything that had happened at the convention and so on.

"So are you in?"
"Sure where do I meet you?"
"At the Anti-4 kids airport."
"But that's all the way across the country how do I get there?"
"Look up fumb duck"

Looking up Tall Square was cracked in the head by a falling piece of wood. Hovering above was Nuck in his super sonic onlyabletobepilotedbynuck harrier jet with optional dining car. The piece of wood was a ladder for Tall Square to climb.

As he climbed the ladder he talked to Nuck on the phone still.

"This is awesome Nuck, I see you got her repainted."
"Yeah wanna see something really cool?"

Without waiting on a response Nuck kicked in the superduper mega awesome engine 3000 and took off with Tall square on the ladder. But before Tall Square could Scream they stopped and hovered over the airport.

"Wait here for me I have to go pick up someone else."
Instead of waiting for Tall Square to climb down. Nuck chopped the ladder down with his karate chop of death. As he feel he screamed into the cell phone. "Don't you need that?"
"No I got a million of them...litteraly a million ladders on board. Thats what's in the dining car."

Tall square hit the ground with a thud and layed there. [I] Fucking Nuck Chorris [/I]
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Chibi-master was in her closet with a medium sized army knapsack at her feet. She crouched down to pack. When she was done the knapsack contained emergency food, water,first-aid supplies, her prized radio-active potater, manga, her sketchbook and her beloved extendable lime green umbrella. "I hope I didn't over pack." she muttered as she left her her small apartment and locked its door. Then she heard a familiar voice call out.

"Hey, Chibi! Say, shouldn't a 13 year old be in school?" It was Nuck Chorris.
"Not in a parody, they shouldn't! Now what the fugde are you doin' here?!" Chibi yelled to the man hanging out the side of a harrier jet.
"Bob told me to pick you up! Now get moving, I got others to pick up!" Nuck answered. He dropped the ladder, which Chibi narrowly missed being hit by. She climbed up the ladder and, unlike Tall Square, made it into the jet. She sat down in the passenger seat.
"Hey, Chorris, where's the seat-belts?" Chibi questioned.
"I spent the seat-belt money on a rubber band shooter." Nuck said. Chibi facepalmed herself.
[I]What if this son of a batch of cookies kills me?![/I] she thought.

The jet was at the Anti-4 kids airport in seconds. "Okay, lemme get the ladder down so you can get out..." Nuck muttered as he unrolled the ladder. But Chibi had different plans. She jumped out of the jet's door and opened her umbrella. She gently floated to the ground in such a graceful way that it would have made Mary Poppins proud. Nuck simply ignored Chibi, started up the jet's engine and took off. Chibi spotted her target.
"Otaku Bob!!!" she shouted. Otaku Bob turned around, expecting to see a smiling face, but he was instead met with a punch that made his jaw crack. "You didn't keep in contact [I]anyone[/I] but [I]Nuck[/I]?! Everyone was worried that you died at the ripe old age of 50-something!" Chibi screamed.
"Hey! I'm only 34 you crazy kid!" Bob argued.
"Close enough! Anyway, what's the job?"
Sorry to leave everyone hanging there...by the way, where's cheese master?! We sorta need her! >< *panicpanicpanic*
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Otaku Bob was just recovering when suddenly a sleek black harley came racing towards them at full speed. The figure on the bike quickly took out a colt 45 and shot at the ground intensly, circling Bob and making him dance. Quickly slammig the brakes, the figure stepped off the bike and took off it's helmet. A shower of crimson hair blew in the wind as Desire Mi' took off her helmet. Her emerald eyes gleeming in the sun, she walked up to Bob seductively, her tight black cat suit revealing her every curve.

"Hey B. Long time no see..." She slowly removed a large red sucker from her pack and curessed it softly with her lips.

Otaku Bob seemed to be entranced by his co-worker and only muttered akwardly. Desire smirked and looked around at the others before her. "So this is whom i'm working with.This shall be interestig..."

"Wait...I never called you. Why are you here?" Bob had finally came to his senses and started to talk.

Desire smiled and and licked her sucker. "Well...you know that lipstick that went "missing" the last time we were together?"

Otaku Bob hesitated and answered quietly. "Uh..yeah sure."

"It was a tracking device. I knew you would take it and keep it with you...they all do."

"What?! You put a tracking device on me?"

"No, you put it on yourself. I simply gave you the opportunity to take it." She chuckled evily and started to fiddle with her hair.

"Wait a sec...whose "they all"? How many guys are you tracking?"

Desire glared intently at him for a few seconds. " That is none of your business! Plus they were for missions...not like yours."

Bob smiled. " Oh, so what was mine for?"

Desire grinned and threw a grenade at his head. " None of your busness pretty boy." She chuckleda bit and looked around again. Everyone had been very quiet. It was kinda akward.
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Chibi stared at Desire. Being only a 13 year old she said the first thing that came to mind. "Oh! I see, your a [I]female[/I] pervert!" Chibi stated with awe. Desire narrowed her eyes and conked Chibi over the head.
"Such a young girl shouldn't say such things!" Desire shouted in annoyance.
"But it's true, isn't it?" Chibi shouted back. Desire took out her Russian dagger, and Chibi her umbrella. They were about to engage in a major cat-fight when Tall Square interrupted.
"C'mon, can't we just settle down?" he asked calmy.
"[B]YOU STAY OUT OF IT!!![/B]" Desire and Chibi shrieked in unison. Otaku Bob shook his head.
[I]How come the only people I can count on are such idiots?![/I] Bob thought.

Suddenly, a strange sound filled the airport's hanger. A group of people on little sissy bicycles complete with baskets invaded the hanger. The bikes all parked next to each other in a line that blocked the exit.
"Hello, Bob! Care to fill us in on the whereabouts of that card?" asked Weeaboo Pete.
"What's he talkin' about?" demanded Chibi. But her demands fell on deaf ears.
"I don't know yet, and even if I did, why should I tell you?" Otaku Bob questioned.
"Because these guys have agreed to help me!" Weeaboo said, pointing to the bicyclers.
"AH!!! It's the Frenchies!" Tall Square shouted. Then another voice joined.
"Everyone, into the jet!" It was Nuck! Otaku Bob, Chibi, Tall Square and Desire made a mad dash to the jet. Weeaboo and the French helpers ran after them. Luckily, the team made it into the jet and closed the door in time. Nuck sat into the pilot seat and took off. Inside of the jet, Desire and Chibi were filled in on the situation.
"Neh?! I think I heard something about that card's location at the museum one time!" Chibi exclaimed. "Well, actually...I heard about a map that leads to it."
"So where is this map?" Nuck shouted from the pilot's seat.
"The museum I work at." Chibi answered. "It's in a high security area, though."
Okay! Sorry about the length.:animeswea Anyway, I'm done with all my exams and I'm really happy! YEE~AAH!!! XD
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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="1"][B]OOC:[/B] Alright! Me likey where this is going so far! I'll probably start the Underground thread tonight sometime.[/SIZE]

Bob had a lot to think about. He was about to rob a museum here! Not that he cared about the moral implications, but what if he got caught?! He decided to take is mind off of it for the time being.

"Can you guys believe the security in that Anti-4Kids airport?"

"I know!" replied Chibi, "They were checking for hammer guns and poisonous suction cups?! How does a suction cup poison you, anyway?"

I barely got here, man!" said Nuck, "They were treating my rubber band shooter like a lethal weapon! The only way I got through was by showing them I bought a Duel Disk."

"Praise be commercialism," agreed Bob, "What about you, Desiree?"

"Hmm? Oh! I just blasted the checkpoint apart. That David Moo guy was getting on my nerves with his cheesy fake Brooklyn punk accent."

"Wait," said Bob, "What are you doing on this plane again?"

"I like you, you like me and you're going to need my help."

"Fine. Just remember, I tend to avoid relationships with coworkers as a rule."

Desiree smiled. "Just keep telling yourself that."

[B][center]. . .[/center][/B]

Bob returned from his investigation. He found that the heist could go relatively smoothly.

"Okay, here's the plan. I learned this one form watching [I]Lupin III.[/I] Tall Square, you disguise yourself as a middle-eastern custodian and plant some automatically inflating balloons on the map's display case."

"Why does it have to be a middle-eastern janitor?"

"Because no one ever pays attention to strange middle-eastern men setting up suspicious devices, duh! Now get it done!"[/FONT]
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"Got it!" Replied Tall Square
"Wait, What do I do?" shouted Chibi.
"Well the plan goes as follows, you are going to go into the museum and pretend to think its open trying to get a tour, so Tall square can be less noticed, Nuck's going to walk in as your foster parent and complain on not letting his "Little Princess" get a tour, Me, well you'll have to wait and see. Desire Mi', you'll have to find your own way around the security to help Tall square get the map.

"Everyone got it"? Bob said with enthusiasm
"got it!" in unison the group pronounced

As everyone went onto the part, Otaku Bob pondered to himself.........
Thats All I got for today, sorry for the length though!
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[I]I wonder if they'll have any souvenirs worth getting?[/I]
Everyone was working on the plan. Well, everyone except for Chibi. "Hey, you! Why aren't you doing anything?!" Desire demanded. Chibi sighed.
"Well, I [I]made[/I] the security system. So I know how to get past it. But if I helped, it would make everything too easy. Thus, I am just going to observe and give small pointers."
"Sounds interesting." chuckled Desire. Then Chibi spotted a flaw she couldn't ignore.
"Oi! Nuck, those balloons are made of rubber! I happen to know that there are stereotypical lasers positioned around the map! You'll be caught in a heartbeat!" she shouted.
"Huh?! Okay, I'll switch to nylon!" Nuck called back.

Then Desire confronted Chibi again.
"If there's lasers, can't I just weave through them?" Desire asked, firmly believing that she had found a flaw in Chibi's system.
"Neh?! [I]You[/I]?! No way, you're way too busty. You'd sound the alarm in no time."
"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment, insult or both." Desire fumed.
"I'm not sure either. But for the time being, I'm going to sit back and be amused by this break in." Chibi giggled.
"Are you even the least bit worried about us being caught?!" Desire whispered harshly.
"Nope. If any guards come, that would be the easiest. After all, you could just blow them to smithereens or I could distract them as I [I]am[/I] their coworker."
Desire shrugged and walked away. She was never opposed to a plan that let her blow stuff up.
Okay...I have a feeling that I did very crappily on this...please don't hate me! ><
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"Well, this seems to easy" shrugged Bob
"I wonder if anything is going okay with them..."

As the group was continuing, they heard a crash.... around the spot of where the map should be. Forgetting the plan everyone rushed over there taking care of security pretty easy. Weeaboo Pete. he had taken the map... all that was said was..
"WAIT!" shouted Nuck, "Whats that on the ground, it a paper that tells us....
Sorry for leaving you hanging, I made it short so we could continue.
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  • 2 weeks later...
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Bob smiled. "Score!"

"What's up, Bob?" asked Chibi.

"Hehehe, Pete just made a huge mistake. We've hit the big time, folks!"

"Alright, I'll bite. What's on the paper?" inquired Desireè.

"You know that map Pete and the Frenchies just took off with? Guess what? He was in too much of a hurry to notice that half of it was missing!"

"No way! Seriously?!"

"Exactly, TS. Not only that, this is the half with the 'X' on it. They've failed big time! All we need to do is figure out what country's name ends with a 'Y' and is shaped like a boot."


Bob glared at Nuck.

"Sorry. I've just always wanted to visit Denmark."

"That settles it! Comeon, gang! We're off to Italy!"

"Where in Italy?" asked Chibi.

"The Roman Coliseum. Little known fact; the first ever anime convention was held there. All witnesses were subsequently executed, but there have been traces of Doujin found lying in the dust on the coliseum floor. That may be where our card is!"[/FONT]
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"Well, screw the card, we'll get doujin!" Chibi squealed.

"No, please don't screw the card. That card is our target, remember?" Otaku Bob replied.

"Fine." Chibi sighed.

"Hey, if the card [I]is[/I] there, how do we find it?" Tall Square asked.

"I bet that Ms.Red-head over there has an Italian boyfriend that might know!" Nuck teased.

"It just so happens that I [I]do[/I]!" Desire hissed. *"Call 'im up!" Bob said.

"I think I will!" Desire scoffed.

"Female per~vert!" Chibi muttered in a sing-song manner. Desire chucked a few cherry bombs at Chibi. "Gah!" Chibi shouted as she dodged. After a few minutes, Desire was off her cell phone.

"Okay! We've got entrance rights to the 1, 700th annual Italian Anime Con!" Desire announced.____________________________________________________________________
Okay! Summer time's here and that means,...RPGs!!! XD
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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]"1,700th?"

"Yeah. What about it?" challenged Desireè.

"Oh, nothing," responded Bob, "it's just, ya know, anime and manga hasn't existed that long."

"Hey, Bob. You know what you can do right now? You can shut up before I force nitroglycerin down your throat. Would you like that?"

"Man, you can get pretty scary sometimes."

"And pervy!" chimed in Chibi.

"Would you guys settle down back there? We're almost there!" shouted Nuck.

Everyone looked down at the continent below. It really did look like a boot.

"Wait," Tall Square thought out loud, "how high up are we?"

"Why do you ask?"

"If we can see the shape of Italy, we'd pretty much have to be in space."

"Oh. Yeah. Good thing I equipped this thing with air tanks, huh?" laughed Nuck.

"Crap. Nuck, the plan was to parachute into the con!" shouted Bob, "I am not jumping out of a plane that is no longer in a breathable atmosphere!"

"Relax, Bob! This baby's full of surprises! For example, if I pull this lever..."

The plane dropped. Fast.

"Nuck, I'm going to walk across the ceiling here into the cockpit and use the last of my strength just before suffocating to impale you on that lever you just pulled!" fumed Bob.

Nuck pushed the lever back. The plane's descent was instantly halted.

"How's everybody feeling?" he asked.

"Well Bob looks a little banged up..." stated Chibi.

"Oh, don't worry your little heads about me. It's nothing twenty years with a chiropractor won't fix..."


"Aw, the Frenchies beat us here!" grumbled Chibi.

"Not surprising at all," said Bob, "in fact, I kind of anticipated this."

"Why's that, oh intrepid adventurer?" asked Desireè.

"Simple. Look at this map here..."

[I]Must've been some walk.[/I][/CENTER]

"Oh, right. France shares a border," replied Tall Square.

"Exactly. Now, what to do about them now that they're here..."[/FONT]
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"Well, there's only one thing to do, lets blow them up!" Shouted Desire

"No. I'll call in a favor... but just this once" stated Nuck

Nuck picked up a button, glanced at everyone, looked back hit the button, threw it out the window and dove!

*Rumble*" !?!?What was that thing, A meteor?" said Chibi!

No, that was the stomach..... of my big bro. ...CHUCK NORRIS!

"But I promise you this, Don't say Chuck Norris jokes around him, unless you wanna die!" He will kill anyone with looks just as good as him, and worse.

I believe he can hold them off for a while while we get the card, but I dont know how long it will be so we must make haste!

The group ran off as Bob noticed...wheres Chibi? "chuck norris is so cool that ~~/!/\\" sorry chuck,, 12 year olds!....

As the group had approached the Colosseum, A Highly flammable barrel was shot down towards us, as well as a fire-proof net. FRENCHIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait!! what about Chuck! Screamed Bob

Damn, I just remembered..... frenchies are to ignorant to know who chuck norris is, so his awesomeness must not have worked!

Dont worry.. Ive got this said Desire'
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  • 2 months later...
Desire' smiled and looked up towards the frenchies. "Lets play..." She openeed her backpack and pulled out a miniature body seeking missle gun. "You never know when your going to need one of these." She smirked and shot the gun several times.

Five missles screeched out and dropped five little ones, each one zooming after one of the Frenchies. Multiple explosions filled the air as the Frenchies desinigrated into the air.

Desire' smiled and put the gun away. "That was fun!" She pulled out a red sucker from her pocket and seductively started licking it. "So Bob, what now?" A small chuckle escaped her lips and she stuck her tongue out at Chibi. "I win."
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