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Writing Sinergy - Chapter I


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Yesterday i got some sort of inspiration and a story came to my mind. I just wanted to share it with all you because I found it myself very interesting. Here is a brief introduction and some ideas.

[B]Sinergy[/B] ([I]Introduction)[/I]

[I]In a world where nobody believe in wonders, where nobody believe in magic, where all think that to get something you have to sacrifice something, where evryone ask themselves why all the bad things happen to them, in a world where all is diveded into bad and good and where evryone forgot what is the soul exist an organization called "Sinergy". Their main goal is to keep the world's balance by any means. They can't create something new, just choose what already exist, they are not owners but not even victims, they are just guests in this world like all other persons. The story will run amid many exciting adventures of different characters that get in lots, and all various, situations to solve.[/I]

[B]Sinergy - Chapter I - The world is not what you think it is[/B]

[B]Part 1 - The book and the key[/B]

-"Hello, can I help you?" said a nice woman sitting in front of a computer.
-"Yes, I'm searching a book" answered the young man.
-"Could you tell me the title please?" continued she.
-"Sure, it should be "Sinergy"" said he with a half voice.
-"Let me check"

The woman typed fast the title on the keyboard but there wasn't any book with such a name in that library.

-"Sorry but we don't have any book with that title" said she sadly.
-"I see" said Sog looking on the floor. "Could you check some other books please?" continued he.
-"Yes, sure thing" answered the woman.

The young man took out a sheet of paper from his right pocket and gave it to her.

-"Here are the titles of the books I'm searching, please see if you have any in your library"
-"Ok. Just a minute, you can take a look around if you want till I finish the searching"
-"Thank you a lot" said he walking toward some shelfs.

[I]"Could the information I found be wrong?"[/I] thought the young man. [I]"Just can't be, Shad would never lie to me about something like this"[/I]

Lost in his minds Sog continued to walk, when suddenly, for a second, a golden light claimd his attention.

-"Mr.Sog, come here please" asked the woman that was working in library.
-"I'm coming" said he absently.

[I]"What was that light? My immagination?"[/I] thought he while walking to woman's desk.

-"I'm sorry again but I wasn't able to find none of the books from the list" afermed she disapointed.
-"Oh I understand" said he looking down. "could I look around a little? Maybe I can find something else."
-"Sure, you are welcome here Mr. Sog" answered she kindly.
-"Thank you"

Sog walked straight to the point where the golden light was. The location was in deep of the library amid some dusty shelfs. Arrived at the end of the hall he started to search something but there were only normal books, nothing that could catch his attention.

On the upper shelf there were two books, a red and a green one. After he took a look at them Sog turned his head to the other side but there also wasn't nothing that could catch his eye.

Hopeless, the young man turned around and pointed to the exit, when something finally atracted him. It was that two books. Now there were three instead of two. Amid the green and the red one there was a new, black book.

[I]"How could this be? Am I dreaming? One second ago there were only 2 books. I'm sure about this."[/I] Thought he nervously.

Sog went closer to the shelf and rised to tips to take the black book. Finally it was in his hands, the thing he was searching desperatly was his now. He opened quickly the book but nothing was inside, just white pages.

Sog surfed in hurry the book in hope to find some sign, but nothing was inside. Just when he was about to get evrything lost, turning off the last book's page a metal key felt on the wooden floor.

[I]"A key? But how?"[/I] thought he looking wondered at the last page.[I] "There isn't enough space for such a key here."[/I]

Closing the book he got down on his kneels and took the key with the right hand. It was some antique looking key, but besides that nothing special or strange was with it. Powerless to do something, Sog just decided to take the book and the key and to get home as soon as possible. Almost running amid the shelfs he passed near the women's desk and quickly sneaked out.

-"Hey mister!" said loudly the woman.

Sog looked behind and saw that woman walking straight to him. he hided the key in his pocket and the book behind, under his T-shirt and turning around with an fragile voice answered

-"I just wanted to leave you our visit card. If you need any book just call the number on it"
-"Oh, it was that, thank you" said he trifly
-"I'm sorry again that we couldn't find the books you were searching"
-"Not a problem, thanks again and have a nice day"
-"You too, good bye"

Arrived at home Sog pulled out the book and putted it on table. Fastly turned the computer on and searched for his friends on internet, in particular Shad, but none of them was online.

-"Damn, he's allways online when i don't really need him and now that I have such a thing he isn't there, what should I do now?"

The answear was right near his hand. He took the phone and did the number of Shad but nobody answeared, so he left a message. [I]"Hey bro, it's me, call me as soon as you hear this"[/I]

-"Guess there is nothing left to do for me now, just waiting."

Sog turned the music on and jumped on his bad thinking. He wasn't really listening the music because tons of ideas were spinning in his mind. The hands were under his head and he just looked to the white wall that was at his right.

Suddenly the music stopped but he was so deep in his mind that didn't noticed. Just after some seconds he turned the head to computer to see what happened but what was there just paralyzed him.

[U]To be continued. The next part - The flame guy. A friend or a foe? -[/U]

[B]The flame guy. A friend or a foe?[/B]

[U][B]Available soon[/B][/U]
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I do agree your idea is interesting Shogun, and transfered well to your medium. The only thing is keep an eye out for you spelling. If you're able too use spell check before you post, and as always make sure you proofread. Even the slightest spelling mistake can be a big turnoff for many readers.

As I said though, I like your idea and you did well bringing it to life.

Remember, there is no rule banning double posting in the Anthology section so don't wait around for a comment before posting. Around here you never know who is reading and enjoying your work due to the tendency of people not wanting or being able to take the time to write a reply.
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[FONT=Arial]I'm going to be straightforward with you, [COLOR="DarkRed"]Shogun[/COLOR], and I want to make sure you understand that I'm not attempting to discourage you or disparage your efforts. You have a lot of work to do. Your concept has merit and can probably function quite well if time and patience and effort are spent on it, but concepts alone don't make good fiction.

I'm going to take a look at your introduction real quick, and then we'll talk more specifically afterwards.

[QUOTE][I]In a world where nobody [B][COLOR="Red"]believes[/COLOR][/B] in wonders, where nobody [COLOR="Red"][B]believe[/B][/COLOR] in magic, where all think that to [B][strike]get something[/strike] obtain[/B] [B][strike]you[/strike] they[/B] have to sacrifice [B][strike]something[/strike][/B], where [COLOR="Red"][B]everyone[/B][/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"][B]asks[/B][/COLOR] themselves why [strike]all the[/strike] bad things happen to them, in a world where all is [COLOR="Red"][B]divided[/B][/COLOR] into [B][strike]bad and[/strike][/B] good [B]and evil[/B] and where [COLOR="Red"][B]everyone[/B][/COLOR] [B]has[/B] [COLOR="Red"][B]forgotten[/B][/COLOR] [B][strike]what is[/strike][/B] the soul [COLOR="Red"][B]exists [/B][/COLOR]an organization called "Sinergy". Their [B][strike]main goal[/strike] objective[/B] is to keep the world's balance [B][strike]by any means[/strike][/B]. They [COLOR="Red"][B]cannot[/B][/COLOR] create [B][strike]something new[/strike][/B], ....[/I][/QUOTE]

Right here is a mother load of small errors that really shouldn't happen. You might ask "why bother pointing them out if they're that small?", but all I have to do is point up at that part of your intro to show you how the little things add up and drag your work down. If artists didn't concern themselves with the tiniest details of their work, no one would care about who painted the roof of the Sistine Chapel. "Where's Waldo" would never have been invented.

The trick is never to be satisfied with your work, to always be looking for something to improve, something to make better, if only slightly. Ernest Hemingway rewrote the final page of [I][U]The Old Man and the Sea[/U][/I] fifteen times, by his own admission, because he just couldn't get it right and almost wasn't good enough for him.

For the rest of the introduction, I think I know where you're trying to go, but you're not communicating your intent clearly. 'They (Sinergy) can't create, only use what is already there' is clear enough. But 'they are not owners but not even victims' is really unclear, and I have no idea what you meant by it. Then 'they are just guests in this world, like all other persons' . . . did you mean that they are merely human? I think the attempt at a metaphor there is a stretch you don't need to concern yourself with just at the moment.

As far as the rest of the section goes . . . you called it "ideas", so I'm going to assume it's really just notes. It would make a lot more sense if it were notes.

If it's not notes, then you have a [I]lot[/I] of work to do. Your dialogue is rigid and strained, and you have barely any motion going with it. Reading it feels more like reading a script instead of a story. And your speech tags are archaic-sounding: use "he said" instead of "said he", and you can write both "answered the woman" and "the woman answered" and still be correct.

There is almost no description taking place, either. In the first part of the selection, you have an exchange between a man and a woman, neither of whom you identify. Later we find out that the man is Sog, but we go the entire selection without knowing anything about what he looks like, what he does, anything. The woman appears to be a librarian, but that is a justified inference; all you told the reader was that she was "a nice woman sitting in front of a computer".

Granted, you won't need to describe her if she won't factor into the story again, or you can have the character describe her as he sees her, which would showcase his possible perceptiveness while not attributing any significant importance to her, but you [I]must[/I] go into detail about this Sog person.

What action there is is clunky and forced. For example:

[*][B]"Hopeless, the young man turned around and pointed to the exit"[/B] is just silly. Does he raise his arm and point? Or is he [I]starting[/I] towards the exit, which indicates the initiation of motion but no actual motion, since you wanted Sog to stay and see the third book appear.
[*][B]"Sog went closer to the shelf and rised to tips to take the black book." [/B]Here you trip over yourself. Would be cleaner to say he approached the shelf and stood on tiptoe, since you didn't even indicate what tips he was "rising" to.
[*][B]"Sog surfed in hurry the book to find some sign...."[/B] This is just bad syntax. You can say he surfed in [B]a[/B] hurry or you can say he surfed [B]the pages of[/B] the book, but if you say both you need to put the book before the hurry. "some sign" is really vague and feels like an attempt to allude to an idea you haven't fully thought out yet.
[*][B]"Powerless to do something, Sog just decided to take the book...."[/B] Powerless? I'm not sure this is quite what you mean here. Perhaps "at a loss" might work better for you, since Sog is clearly still capable of performing actions.
[*][B]"He took the phone and did the number of Shad...."[/B] Dialed the number.
[*][B]"Suddenly the music stopped but he was so deep in his mind that he didn't notice."[/B] Very clunky. "Suddenly" indicates you want to snatch the reader's attention, but then you waste it when Sog does nothing. Since the music is immediately important to the action of the story, you should probably draw attention to it about as fast as Sog notices, or else indicate that his attention is distracted enough that he doesn't notice anything [I]before[/I] you say the music stops.

These, among other instances, make me question whether English is your first language. If it isn't, then I understand to some degree why your fiction feels as awkward as it does. In either case, though, I suggest you read a lot of English fiction so you can see and get a feel for how authors shape and direct their stories.

And I encourage you to keep trying. Just because you're not good now doesn't mean you can't be further down the road. It [I]will[/I] take time, patience, and work, but it can happen if you want it to.

And before I forget, next time you decide to use artwork in your submissions, please give credit to the artist. I recognise half of your images from deviantArt, and I doubt you have permission to use them.[/FONT]
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