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The Bizarre Tasting Ice Cream Incident


Dragon Warrior
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Another goofy story by yours truely. This chapter book, I'll actually finish. Yes, it's comedy. Enjoy:

[SIZE=4][B]The[/B] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Bizarre-Tasting[/B] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Ice Cream[/B] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Incident[/B] [/SIZE]

By the greatest author ever:
Stephen King

Wait... sorry. The correct name is:
Gavin Brown


[SIZE=4][B]Prologue[/B] [/SIZE]


As we all know, the world is filled with haness crimes and odd incidents. But what we are not aware of is the uncanny happenings of the jungle apes. These mammals said to had morphed into the smarter, and let?s just say more handsome, species known as us Humans. The apes of today consist of smarter creatures than the ones of the past making people believe they?ll stop thinking paper is a certain food group. I know I will never stop thinking that. Mmm? paper. Delish!

But as we think of the apes as stupid creatures, they think of us as smart and handsome beings. Umm? so what if that?s not true, but apes will rule the world soon enough. You?ve seen Planet of the Apes. The Statue of Liberty, man! For God sakes! It was Earth! IT WAS EARTH!

Umm? but enough about the monkeys. Our story is about ice cream. And murder. But mostly ice cream. And who would have thought a craving for spinach and mushroom-flavored ice cream could get a guy in so much trouble that he could be serving himself trouble for dinner? What? That?s the quickest metaphor I could think of. So sue me! Not literally. But as for the ice cream and murder, an innocent bystander was accused of doing the job. That?s right. He was wrongfully accused. But that?s not all. He didn?t enjoy the spinach and mushroom-flavored ice cream that he had a craving for so much. So in the end, it wasn?t worth it.

Of course, who in the right mind would want to eat spinach and mushroom-flavored ice cream. What?s this man thinking? Why doesn?t he act normal and eat real ice cream like paper-flavored. Mmm? paper flavored. But who are we to poke fun at a man?s favorite ice cream? Everyone has a favorite. Like me and my paper flavored. God that?s good paper. But as we all know, this man didn?t do the crime. And that?s what this whole book is about.

I know what your thinking. Why waste a book on this sorry sap?s life when you could be writing a book on sword fights, wars, magic, or a Star Wars getup. But nooo. The author, which is the best author ever might I add, has to be stubborn and chose to right a book about some guy and his ice cream. I don?t know what?s wrong with this author. And how did I become the narrator? I didn?t ask for the job. It just came to me. Pretty disappointing. This author, I tell you, he must have been drinking too much soda when he was writing this because I mean really, who would read this stuff? You people reading. You must be chained down, locked up, brain washed or something ?cause it hurts me just to narrate this story. There?s no end to the torture, I tell you what. I might as well start reading the story and get it over with. Even though you may end up painfully listening to this great author?s writing. So hang onto your straps that tie you down and get reading for a terrible story written by an awesome author.


Yeah right?
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[SIZE=4]Chapter 1[/SIZE]




The guy that likes the ice cream is known as Ash (no last name given). He?s an average guy making an average living in an average home doing average stuff at an average job in an average city where not so average stuff happens. Ash works at a laundry mat downtown, but was just fired by his cruel boss. His boss?s name is unknown. We just call him Boss. And so-wait. You want to know why he was fired? Oh come on! Don?t make the story less interesting! It?s boring as it is! Fine.

It was one of those average days when Ash was going to work and he drinking and driving. That?s right. Never drink and drive. He was driving with one hand and guzzling water at the same time! Isn?t that a crime? Well, if it isn?t, it should be. Now then, he was driving and guzzling water when he saw an innocent cat walking along the street. Taking advantage of this opportunity, he drove at the cat and stopped his car. He got out and picked up the poor kitten and took it with him to work..

Now what Ash didn?t know was Boss was allergic to dogs. And bringing that cat into work was going too far! Immediately when Ash stepped in the laundry mat with the kitten, Boss?s allergies acted up and he sneezed like mad. Ash had to go check it out. He came into Boss?s office with the kitten in hand as shoved the small feline in Boss?s face. ?What?s the matter, Boss man?? Ash asked, literally holding the cat in front of Boss?s nose.

Boss sneezed three more times before he was able to regain breath. ?You know your not aloud to have pets in here! I?m allergic to dogs!?

Ash looked at the little kitten. ?But this is a cat.?

?No buts, mister! Put that cat outside! I?ll sneeze if that cat stays. How many times do I have to tell you I?m allergic to dogs!?

?But this is a kitten. Don?t you think your allergic to cats then and not dogs??

?Don?t give me that lip!? Boss searched the drawers of his desk for tissues. ?Now get that cat out of my laundry mat! Amscray! Vamoose! Adios! Taco!? He shoved Ash and the cat out the door of his office. Ash started for the outside door when he turned back.

?But I can?t just leave it out there.?

?Put it out!? He sneezed again, knocking himself over into a food rack. Ash sighed and took the cat outside, returning inside with a big lump in his shirt, oddly in the shape of a cat. Not only a cat, but the same cat he put outside. Curious. Boss walked out of his office right then and noticed the lump in Ash?s shirt. ?Putting on some pounds, aye Ash? Better stay away from the doughnuts.? He stuffed a doughnut in his mouth and fillings went all over his stained shirt. The Boss should speak for himself.

Ash just smiled and walked off to do his job when Boss suddenly sneezed five times in a row. Ash froze in his tracks and Boss turned to him. ?Alright Ash. I know it was you. Where?s the rabbit??

Ash?s mind went blank. ?The rabbit??

?Yeah.? Boss said angrily. ?The rabbit. I?m allergic to
rabbits. In fact, it?s the only thing I?m allergic to at all and you had to bring one in.?

?Don?t you mean cat.?

?Cat. Rat. Which ever. Just put it outside!?

?But sir! It?s not a rat neither.?

Boss?s face went completely red and he stomped his foot. ?That?s the last straw! Now fill the straw container and come back to me so I can yell some more.? Ash went off to fill the container when Boss came over and yelled more like he said he would. ?You?ve done it this time! Your in big trouble!?

?Sir. It?s just a cat.?

?I don?t care if it?s the coffee machine. You didn?t put it outside when I said so and that?s disobeying the manager!? The cat scrambled in Ash?s shirt in which tickled him causing him to laugh. Boss made an angry face. ?I don?t see what?s so funny. What was it I said? Coffee machine? Is that funny or something? Well, I guess it sort of is, but that?s besides the point! You let a wild dangerous lion in the shop in which I?m allergic to!?

Ash stopped laughing and corrected his boss. ?It?s a house cat.?

?What?s a house cat??

?This cat.? he then took the small feline out his shirt and showed it to Boss. Boss immediately began to sneeze unstoppably.

?That?s the cat! You?ve done it this time, Ash? Ash? uh? what?s your last name??

?It?s-? A passing semi honks it?s horn as the name is spoken.

Boss nods. ?That?s right. Now your in for it! Your suspended ?til further notice.?

?Does that mean I don?t have to work??

?Yes. Until further notice.?

?Do I still get paid??

?No. It?s a suspension.?

?Oh c?mon. What kind of fun is that??

?Oh fine. But I?m lowering the pay to fifty dollars an
hour.?

?That?s raising my pay, Boss man.?

?What??

?My average pay is four dollars an hour.?

?Don?t try to raise your pay. Now get out of my sight!?
Ash then leaves the laundry mat with kitty. I know. That?s not being fired. It?s a suspension. But I?m getting there! As I said before, he walks out of the laundry mat and starts to his car when suddenly some men in black suits walk up to him. They wore shades and looked important. They jump Ash and put him in the back of a top-secret-looking van and leap inside themselves. After closing the doors and latching them, they turn to Ash and the cat and speak.

?We are important-looking men.?

?Are you from the government?? Ash asks, a little frightened by their important-looking looks.

?Umm? no. But we are important-looking if you haven?t noticed. And we have come to warn you about your future. You are in grave danger.?

?Boss will fire me??

?Boss? No. We don?t know any Boss, but what we do know is-?

?Sure you do. Boss is the boss of this laundry mat. I see you two guys come here and wash your important-looking suits here all the time.?

?Umm?? They begin to sweat and become speechless. ?That?s not why we?re here.?

?I thought you were speechless.? Ash points out.

?Forget the narrator and listen. Your in grave danger. We?re not sure when it will happen and what will happen, but we know one thing. Some painful will happen in your future.?

?Like I skin my knee or something??

?No you don?t skin your knee! Now get out of here before that painful fate painfully happens to us important-looking guys.? They shove Ash out of the van and he falls to the ground, skinning his knee.

?Ow! My knee!? Ash screams like a little girl.

The two important-looking guys look out of the back of the van. ?What are the chances of that.? They then drive their van off, running away like little scaredy cats. There. That?s a better metaphor. Can?t make fun of that.

The little kitten walks up to Ash and licks his wound. Every one knows that cat tongues are rough and ridged and that hurts on a fresh open wound. Ash instantly leapt into the air and screamed all over the place. He ran around like a loon, bound to cause something bad to happen.

Meanwhile, a man walked up to the laundry mat with a basket of clothing and a metal bar. He rubbed his bald hair in confusion. ?I wonder why I brought this metal bar with me. In fact, I don?t recall picking it up. Oh well. I?ll just sit it on the ground even though it?s bound to cause a man to trip and fall and probably get fired from his job because he broke many objects while tripping. But that?s one in a million chance.? He then walked into the laundry mat.

But the bald man with the basket of laundry didn?t know that that little one out of a million chance was closer than he thought. The screaming Ash ran towards the metal bar which was carelessly placed in his way by the bald man and, being distracted by his booboo, trips over it and flies through the window of the laundry mat. He then collides into a few washer and dryers, knocking over the food stand, flew through the other window and breaks the wall into the cat kennel which releases a thousand cats into the laundry mat, completely covering Boss.

Boss through the cats all over in a fit of irritation. ?ASH!?


It took a few hours to clean up the mess and to give everyone of the cats to needy people, but it was soon spick and span like brand new. Ash was summoned to Boss?s side soon enough. He shook as he approached his angered Boss.

?Yes-yes, Boss man?? He stammered.

?Ash? you?ve drove my patience to the edge and didn?t parallel park!?

?I?m sorry sir! I?ll get the keys and I?ll do it right awa-?

?You had your chance. Your fired!?

?Fired? But why??

?You know why.?

?Because I destroyed the laundry mat and let thousands of cats loose to maim you in many excruciating ways??

?Heck no. because you left the coffee machine on over night. Now the coffee is like taffy.? After that, he took the coffee pot and poured some into a mug. The little bit that came out was sticky and lumpy. ?So that?s why your fired.? Boss grabbed up some of the coffee and started chewing it as the saddened Ash left the clean laundry mat. He opened the door, looked back at the boss that was devouring the tacky coffee and closed the door.

?That?s right.? Boss said, with the disgusting gunk in his mouth. ?Who needs ya!? He sat there chewing the coffee when he choked on it and had to spit it out. ?Wait a minute. He was my only employee.?
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[SIZE=4]Chapter 2[/SIZE]



Now that we have explained why Ash was fired, we can continue on with his present miserable life of no meaning. Saddened by his early release, he?s been moping around his average house eating corn nuts and watching soap operas. Makes you feel bad for the poor guy. But we don?t want to fall into a pit of despair like him, do we? There?s always a person out there firing someone and Boss likes to be one. Ash seemed to be the one fired. And kitty seemed to be an adorable cat loved by all. Except for Boss, of course.

As we look at Ash in a pitiful manner, we don?t even notice how stupid he is acting. Who in the right mind would eat corn nuts? You don?t know what they?re made of. And it?s not corn and nuts I tell you now. And watching ?The Young and the Restless? all day long can kind of drive a man into his darkest hours. No true human could withstand such a time. Being fired and forced to watch soap operas while eating an unidentified food product. It?s totally insane. Mad, I tell you!

And as if that wasn?t enough, Ash took a cold shower. That?s right. He endured the freezing water that made his shower dreadful. And what?s worse? The soap kept slipping from his hands and he had to bend over to get it. Ever since he lost his job, Ash wasn?t the same. His daily basis consisted of soap operas and cold showers and his daily meals were corn nuts and soap bars. I?d give him paper, but it?s just too good to let go! Aw yes. Paper. God did well when creating it. Did you know you can write on paper? Yeah. It?s not just for eating. I found it out yesterday.

Now that we have explained this disgraceful sap?s life, we can get down to the main story.


It all started a week after Ash was fired. He was still in his pathetic state of sorrow and little kids still through foreign objects at him and laughed. He didn?t notice, though. Too washed up in his own desolation. He was so caught up in it, he didn?t even notice that that very week was the very week of the hottest heat wave ever recorded in Average Town. Everyone was dying for food and water and kids were forced to drink out of fire hydrants.

Soon, stores all around Average Town were yelling and screaming because thirsty people bought out all their drinks in a mob-like manner. The ice cream went along with it and all the stores went out of stock and wouldn?t get a shipment ?til next week. Except for one store.

The store was owned by Mr. Dollar, a greedy shop keep. He demanded twenty bucks for a case of ice cream and the public revoked. He just shooed them away if they weren?t purchasing. The sun soon got to them and fried their brains good enough to purchase every box of ice cream from Cherry A La Pecan to Paper-Flavored. Mr. Dollar then went back into his nice, cool shop and counted how much money he made.

Unfortunately for the customers, the ice cream melted the very moment they set foot outside the shop. But Mr. Dollar?s policy is: NO REFUNDS! This angered the people and they joined together in a huge huddle on the streets. Then they decided it was too hot to huddle there and went into a nearby building and planned there. They then walked back up to Mr. Dollar?s shop and did something really bad. They dug through a trashcan next to the shop and dropped a piece of paper on the doorstep.

LITTERING!


That was uncalled for. But the people were proud and returned to their homes with no air conditioning. Now the whole town of Average Town was out of ice cream and no one could find any. Even the ice cream man was maimed by some 4 year old to get the last fudgsicle. This called for wild action! The angry townspeople dropped a piece of paper on every shop?s doorstep as a threat that they will drop another. The shop keepers had no choice, but to close their stores ?til further ado. Even Mr. Dollar sadly closed his doors to his shop before skipping home with a bag full of millions of dollars. But that?s besides the point. This heat wave was driving everyone mad and for that, the town was hectic. Crimes were being done and the cops were everywhere. Littering was being done and nature lovers were everywhere. And dog-walking was being done and cats were being chased everywhere. Only Ash, poor deplorable Ash was still in his house, watching paint dry on his ceiling.

But he finally got up when a drop of paint splatted in his eye and he had to wash it out. But that little dot of white paint reminded him of his life before he was fired. It told him he must move on. He must continue his life. Don?t ask me how he got that out of a drop of paint hitting his eye, but it sure did the trick. Ash put on some real clothing instead of his Barney the dinosaur PJ?s and rushed outside to greet his public. ?I?m back!? He screamed. No one listened, though. They continued with crime-fighting and crime-committing, littering and litter-picking, walking dogs and dogs chasing felines. Ash scratched his head and put on his cap. ?Oh well. I?ll just follow the yellow brick road.? He skipped down the sidewalk which happened to be a bluish color. Don?t ask me how blue can be mistaken with yellow. How can a drop of paint give a man an idea to change his life? Some things in the mind of Ash cannot be answered.


Ash soon came upon Boss locking up the laundry mat. Ash, being curious as he is, walked over to Boss. ?Boss man. What are you doing? The laundry mat doesn?t close ?til four more hours.?

?Yeah, well, all the shops are closing so why not me.?


?They closed? Why??

?Why? Because the shops ran out of ice cream and there?s high demand for it.?

?High demand for what??

?ICE CREAM, YOU STOOGE! Well, that and those cute new toys called Fuzzles, but that?s not the point.?

?But Boss man, you don?t sell ice cram or Fuzzles so why close??

?Safety, my boy. The angry mob already took down the pet shop. Who knows if they?ll come after me.?

?I see. Makes sense.?

?Where are you off to??

?I don?t know. I?ve decided to get over the being fired business and continue with my life.?

?That?s good. Now get out of my sights. Remember, I don?t want to see you again.?

?Alright.? Ash walked on leaving Boss alone with his laundry mat.

?Wait a minute. I was going to rehire him because he was my only employee. CURSES!?


Ash went back home after eating some food off the street that an angry mob stole from a nearby bakery. He saved some for the cat and gave it to him when it squealed for food. ?There you are, kitty. You like that? I don?t know what it is, but it sure is good.? The cat purred in agreement and the two of them sat down to watch soap operas. Wait a minute. Soap Operas? This isn?t right. Can it be that Ash likes soap operas anyways? That poor contemptible man. Even kitty was scared when one of the most boring soap operas emerged on TV. Thank goodness Ash fell asleep and kitty was able to change the channel to MTV. But this story isn?t about Kitty and his strange desire to watch music legends. It?s about Ash. Yes. The pitiful one.

Ash found himself sleeping ?til around five o? clock. That?s when he got up and kitty fell off his lap and collapsed to the floor. Ash was well rested and he needed some fresh air. Stepping outside, he noticed the humidity was still around and the hat wave must have been too. And as he took a walk, he noticed the heat wave was getting to him like the rest of the angry citizens. Only one thought remained clear in his mind:

[B]I need ice cream![/B]
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Yes, Siren. Crazy times. But this story is a book of it's own. It wouldn't go into another book. Maybe all the dude stories in one, all the K&L ones in one, and the rest in one or whatever. I'm confused. -.- Let's just get on with Chapter 3.


[SIZE=4]Chapter 3[/SIZE]



With this new bizarre idea in his head, Ash ran down the streets of Average Town and acted like everyone else: A total loon. Even the mayor of Average Town was going mad.

?I?m going mad!? He said, then jumped out a window. See? I told you apes would rule the world some day! I TOLD YOU! Umm.. ahem. Yeah. Anywho?

Ash soon found himself lost in the slums of Average Town. He?d never been in this area before and he couldn?t remember the trail he took because his brain was mush at the time. He could have gone through that brick wall with a hole shaped like him in it, but there?s no chance that?d be right. So Ash decided to go find someone to give him directions. And with that and ice cream in mind, he set off.

Oddly, the slums connected to the area where the Mayor lived. And deep in slums lived criminals. And not just criminals. Bad criminals. Little did Ash know, he was about to die. Oh great! I just gave out the whole story. Now we?ll have to change it. Man, stupid me.


After we had changed the story, Ash noticed he had walked right into the area where something was about to happen. He was about to order ice cream. An ice cream man from the neighboring city of Normal Town visited Average Town for that one night. And it was 12 a.m. Crazy, isn?t it? Now if I were Ash, I?d get paper-flavored, but unfortunately, the ice cream was all out.

And so, Ash had to decide. There was so many great choices. Pecan. Butterscotch. Armadillo surprise. Of course, there was no paper-flavored. Noooo. Why would there be paper-flavored? Ahem? sorry ?bout that. Anyways, Ash had a tough time deciding.

While he was pondering over the frozen treat, a shadowy figure walked past and then, a few minutes later, a gunshot was heard. Then the shadowy figure ran past again. Odd, yes? Ash finally decided and chose Spinach and Mushroom flavored ice cream. He paid the man and he ran off with his cart. Odd, yes? No. Not really. And so, Ash sat down on the curve next to the dead body and ate his ice cream happily. It was disgusting looking! I mean really. Who would eat that crap!

It turns out Ash is the only one in the world to ever like spinach and mushroom flavored ice cream. Odd, yes? Yes. Yes it is. And what?s even weirder is that he murdered someone while still looking like he was choosing ice cream. What?s that? He?s innocent? Oh come on. You saw the shadowy figure! Oh fine. So it wasn?t Ash, but it doesn?t mean I won?t stop believing!

Soon after Ash finished his foul ice cream delight, he felt extremely tired. Spinach and Mushroom flavored ice cream can do that to a guy. He turned to the dead body, puffed it up like a pillow and fell asleep.


Later that day, the police arrived. They saw the dead body and Ash sleeping on it when driving by and stuffing their faces with doughnuts. ?Hey, Chief. A dead body.?

The chief looked up from his custard-filled doughnut and saw the murdered man. ?I see that, Spike. What?s it to us??

?We?re cops, Chief. We gotta investigate.?

?Oh c?mon. I don?t wanna leave this doughnut!?

?Chief? this is our job. The murdered man, or the doughnut.?

?Oh?? The chief looked back and forth. ?Don?t make me choose!?

?Chief. The doughnut.? Spike held out a hand and chief placed the doughnut in it. Then he bawled. ?Now c?mon, Chief. We have a job to do.? They both stepped out of the car and Spike called for reinforcements. Soon enough, more cop cars arrived and more cops got out of them, stuffing more doughnuts in more mouths.

?Over here, boys.? The chief said, waving an arm.

?This seems to be the murderer.? Spike pointed out. ?Sleeping at the scene of the crime.? Chief turned Ash over on his back and it showed him sucking his thumb, still asleep.

?Oh for God sakes, man. Grow up.? Chief slapped the
thumb from Ash?s mouth and he awoke.

?What?s going on officers?? Ash asked mindfully, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

Chief reached into his pocket and pulled out a mall booklet. ?You have violated the code 4572938506038304893940200483488888888888888888 and I think there?s another 8.?

?Say wha?? Ash asked confused.

The chief sighed. ?You committed murder.? Everyone went stiff. Ash looked all around.

?I did not.?

?Well, that?s what you say, but your now a likely suspect! Take him away, boys.? Ash was cuffed and put into a police car and driven away.

The chief patted his hands together. ?Case closed.?

?Umm? chief?? Spike tapped his shoulder.

?Yeah, what is it Spike??

?We haven?t solved the case yet.?

?Shut up, Spike.?

?Right, Chief.?

?Now, boys, let?s take a look at this body.? Chief poked
his eye. ?He seems to be dead.?

A voice rang out of the crowd. ?Thank you, Captain Obvious.?

Chief stood up. ?Who said that? Who was it?? Someone then snuck up behind him and slapped a ?kick me? sign on his back. Immeditaley, officers joined in kicking his can all over. It happened to be a can of beans. Then they began kicking the chief himself.


Later, in jail, Ash was thrown in a cell. The guard laughed at him and threw popcorn in through the bars. Ash was so hungry, he had to eat it. ?Well, Mr, Ash.. umm? what?s your last name??

?It?s-? An airplane crashed outside the prison.

?Oh. Okay. Well then, Mr. Ash-? A jet crashed as well. ?-Your staying here in jail ?til your name is proven innocent. You?re a suspect.?

Ash shook the bars. ?But-? Ash shook too hard and the bars came off. ?Umm? your cell broke.?

?Oh. So it did.?

?You best fix it.?

?Thanks.? And so, the guard put in new nails and shined up the cell good as new with the help of Ash.


Meanwhile, back with Chief and the rest of the officers, they just finished kicking his can and butt. ?That hurt in many different ways.? The chief said, rubbing his tush. ?Now then, more investigating the dead body.? The chief poked the eye again with a stick and nodded. ?Dead indeed.?

?Yeah. We know, chief.? Spike said.

?Shut up, Spike.?

?Right, Chief.?

?Now then, from the looks of the body, I say he was strangled.?

?Umm? Chief??

?Yes, Spike??

?He has a bullet wound. He was shot not strangled.?

?I know. I know. Now then, since he was stabbed, I have concluded it could be a bakery worker or a man that makes knives.?

?Umm? Chief??

?What is it now, Spike??

?How did you get all that from a bullet wound??

?I have no idea. But I have now officially concluded who the murderer is!? Everyone jumped in the air happily.

?Really, Chief? Who??

?It was? a murderer.?

?Thank you, Captain Obvious!? the same voice shouted. The chief turned quickly.

?Alright! I mean it! Who was that! You want me to burn you with hot water like the murderer did to this victim.?

?He was shot, Chief.? Spike corrected.

?I know he was shot you silly officer. And now, let?s all
get free ice cream.?

?I don?t think ice cream would be free in a heat wave,
Chief.? Spike pointed out.

?I see. Would frozen yogurt??

?No, Chief.?

?Not even strawberry? Not many buy strawberry.?

?Actually, Chief, strawberry is one of the most favorite in America.?

?But we?re not in America. We?re on Mars.?

?Umm.. yeah, Chief.?

?Now, onward for free cold dairy treats!? The
dumbfounded chief led his rigorous crew of officers on a quest of ice cream or some kind of cold snack. Ha! He?d have a better chance finding the Holy Grail.


?Ah! The Holy Grail.? Chief sighed. It happened to be a place to purchase frozen yogurt. The officers entered and got the only flavor available. Strawberry. The chief poked Spike. ?Told ya.?
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