Writing Brand New Day

[vegeta rocker]

For those of you who have read my previous work this may sound a little diffrent but im experimenting....
so enjoy.

Brand New Day

deep in the trenches of deceit i lay
a white sheet of ignorance is drawn on my face
the rain makes the puddles jump and spray
tears feed the mud which i go through every day


wings that are soaked hang in dismay
they cover my eyes and block out my pain
my stomach turns in circles i crouch down in pain
thinking i can hide from something so deranged

the trees bleed out slowly their branches crack and fray
their blood reflects the sunlight on this brand new day

[Guest Matt]

[color=red][b]very good, but now I feel depressed. :( [/b][/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

He's right, it is good. And you do feel depressed after it...I like it.

[Boo]

Pretty good :)

[Shinobi]

Very good! Very good technigues, it effects the reader as you can see, and thats what your were aiming for, to feel what the author is feeling, very good! actualy..great!

[Mitch]

It's good vegeta, but it could be very much improved. It seems to be lacking of decrption, I just can't see an image emerge in my mind. And with poetry, that's what you need to get (good description) to keep a reader interested and to make your poetry so much better. You need to write with the senses in it.

[vegeta rocker]

good. now i know what to work on, but im glad you guys liked it.

[Mnemolth]

Its nice. The first and last two lines are very good. :) The second stanza needs more work tho. Its a little muddled.

B+

:devil: