Writing need help

[neoakira70]

hi there

i need help

u all might think this is corny BUT i wanna write a poem for this girl i like, buts its harder than i originally thought

this is what i got so far:

You're as beautiful as the sky is blue,
You infect my heart like a flu,
My feelings for you are true,
I wanna know if you feel the same too?

Please help

[Devidramon]

I don't know how the 'flu' part would go over, I guess it depends on her.

[Guest boogeta]

I have the same problem but that poem is prety good

[Boo]

"flu" indeed doesnt really fit that right to me....

You're as beautiful as the sky is blue,
Everything I can think of is you,
My feelings for you are true,
But yet I dont know if you feel the same way too...

^my version... Not really good but thats how I wouldve dont it :)

[Silent Death]

The poem is pretty good.:) This is how I would've revised it.

I cannot help but admire you from afar
You?re rare and beautiful like a shooting star
You?re as beautiful as the sky is blue
Your smile brightens my day
Your beauty takes my breath away
My mind is set on you
My feelings for you are true
I can?t help but think of you
And I wonder if you feel the same way too

Hope it helps :)

[neoakira70]

thanks for all your help everyone, i'm sure she'll like it

[neoakira70]

results of the poem

i well read her the poem and she just laughed at me, and then she tells me she has a bf and doesn't really like
that b*tch oh well

thanx 4 your help anyway

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by neoakira70 [/i]
[B]hi there

i need help

u all might think this is corny BUT i wanna write a poem for this girl i like, buts its harder than i originally thought

this is what i got so far:

You're as beautiful as the sky is blue,
You infect my heart like a flu,
My feelings for you are true,
I wanna know if you feel the same too?

Please help [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=red] Well, even though you already read it, I'll give a shot..

[i]The sky glows true, and that is as you
infectious climb it is so true
that I would climb into thine sky
fret out thy hearted regions
even if I shall come back
with not that I wanted to fact
I would still have my heart held to you
keeping thought of all turn to blue[/i][/color]