Writing Psycho

[Shinobi]

Here is my newest poem, it is sinister and pretty graphic, this is my first shot at a sinister poem, so please, c and cand also rate if you want.

[b][size=3]Psycho[/size][/b]

As the dark clouds in the sky, linger and hover
I raise my metallic knife, wondering if I should bother
Should I give grieve, to his and my mother?
For the victim, is non-other, than my brother.

As I thrust down the knife
I slash and gash
Slipping way, is the enemies life
Should I stop or should I continue
Thinking of his widowing wife.

He should not have messed with me
I am a psycho you know
The blood and torture, oh I do loathe!
As the blood digs channels, in the snow
I walk away grinning, for I have been sinning
My jacket flies open, for the wind it does blow.

As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake
I ponder on if I should cut him up, or drown him in the lake
He started the argument, he knew I would flip
I grab my face, the winter weather does nip

Why did he do it?
Is he family or foe?
Meh, what?s done is done
At least it was fun.

I look him in the face, and I say to him
I?m a psycho you know, so you best lye low.

[spike speigel]

:eek: Wow :eek: that's all i can say. That was creepy. But it was enjoyable, in a dark sort of way.

[Guest boogeta]

Its pretty cool I love gore

[Shinobi]

Thank you for your comments, this is my first, dark poem, as i said, so this has gave me a boost into maey writing some more, or mabey change my style if the other poets thinks it's.....well.....crap. Thansk anyways.

[Boo]

Hmm..... Work on rhyming a lil, but I think ur better in Psycho poems than [I]"dark"[/I] poems. hehe. Anyways. It was very amusing/creepy/good. Keep up the weird work :p

[Syk3]

Wow, that was the most interesting...erm, [i]dark[/i] poem that I've heard in a while. It was very well put together, and I can see that you have some deep poetry in you. My favorite part? The line that said: As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake. Lol, it was very sudden, and it made me laugh for some reason. o_O -- probably the pancake part.

[Shinobi]

Thank you Syk3, heh, mabey i do have a bit of deep poetry inside of me, :p. And the pancake part.....:laugh:.......i couldn't think of anythig else and that was what the image looked like in my haad, lol. Cheers and thanks again.

[Spikey]

That was amazing. It had a great theme to it, nice and dark. You know, you could turn that into a song with some work. Great work.

[Charles]

Good poem Shinobi.

The story within the poem is interesting and warped. I suspect that's what you were aiming for. :tasty:

The only possible criticism I can give, involves cleaning up what's already there, so that it flows a bit more smoothly.

[quote]As the dark clouds in the sky linger and hover
I raise my knife, wondering if I should bother
Should I give grief to our mother?
For the victim, is none other than my brother.

As I thrust down the knife
I slash and gash
Slipping away, is the enemy's life
Should I stop or should I continue
Thinking about his widowing wife?

He should not have messed with me
I am a psycho you know
The blood and torture, oh I do loathe!
As the blood digs channels into the snow
I walk away grinning, for I have been sinning
My jacket flies open, in the wind it blows.

As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake
I wonder if I should cut him up, or drown him in the lake
He started the argument, he knew I would flip
I grab my face, feeling the winter nip

Why did he do it?
Is he family or foe?
What?s done is done
At least it was fun.

I look him in the face, and I say to him
I?m a psycho you know, so you best lie low.[/quote]

I didn't really change much, just removed a few commas and clustered word usage. I'm just wondering if the psycho really loathes blood and torture. O.o;;

[darkfreak0304]

I liked it, great poem dude

[Silent Death]

Great Poem, It's very dark and creepy :demon: I like it got any more?

[Shinobi]

Wow, CWB, that is much better! Thank you very much. I can pick up on that and reffer back, to see what i have did wrong and stuff, thank you very much. And yes he does love torturing, i was going for a Psycho Killer kinda theme, like he would even kill his own family if they got outta line. And Silent Death, no i don't unfortunetly, but i think because i have had so much positive response,i shall be writing more :D. Thank you all very much.

PS: Finaly i'm a MEMBER YAHOO!!!!