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Writing Original "anime-esque" fiction [Mature for language and violence]


Syk3
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[color=teal][b]EDIT: Please refer to my newer version in my later post.[/b][/color]

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Let's hope I'm going about all this correctly, heh. ^_^; This is my first fan fiction/story type deal, which I wrote today out of boredom after I read Japan_86's fan fic. How would you classify a fan fic, anyway? Because I'm not really sure if this would fall under the category of more of a story that I made up.

So yes, this is my first fan fic where I've finally put down my ideas on this anime story I've had for a while. I know, I'm crazy, but I have to have something to put my imagination to work. o__o; Anywho, yes, this is only the first part of it, and I'm hoping to possibly introduce a few people as characters in later parts. *winks at Shy*

Enjoy, and critique would be extremely usefull and appreciated!

(NOTE: Er...the main character is using my name, but it originally wasn't supposed to be until I decided to make a story with Shy and I as main characters, so just pretend I'm a tad bit older. ^_^ You'll see what I mean)

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[i]On his way back from a bar[/i] (ditto) [i]after a long night, Greg decides to take a shortcut through a backstreet ally in Southern Boston to get to a main road where he will hopefully be able to catch a cab home.

?Sheesh...no place like home?, he said to himself facetiously, eying trash that had spilled out all over the ground, and preceding to kick an empty soda can. It was late morning in November, and the city was covered in a thick fog. Greg looked up from kicking the can and could slightly make out through his drowsiness the form of a young woman about twenty yards ahead of him with tied back brown hair, carrying a bag which he only assumed carried a small laptop.

Something inside of Greg made him want to chase after this woman, but he knew that these thoughts were absurd and continued walking casually. I wonder how long this alley shortcut is, anyway, thought Greg. He had already been walking for quite some time, about three or four minutes, and he couldn?t see to the end due to the ominous fog.

Seemingly out of no where, the urge to reach the woman became irresistible, and Greg?s legs gave in to the strong desire to catch up to her, who was still walking about twenty yards in front of him, and before he could do anything, he was chasing after her.

?H-Hey!? yelled Greg, more to his legs than anything. The woman with the brown hair stopped for a second and glanced over her shoulder, revealing warm green eyes that pierced through him like arrows to his heart, but she simply turned back around and continued her relaxed pace.

Greg?s legs were not satisfied, however. They longed to catch up to the woman, to stop her, to see her eyes once more. His jog turned into a run, and that to a sprint, but no matter how hard he tried, the woman would keep a twenty yard lead on him, her bag swinging at her side. And with each step, she would disappear more and more until the fog completely consumed her body, and Greg slowed to a walk.

What was that?! Figures began to emerge from the alley fog ahead of him where the woman had vanished. One, no ? two, three, four, five, six tough men with a strong distaste on their unclear faces appeared almost out of no where. Pfft?Greg wasn?t going to let a couple scrawny guys like these get in his way and stop him from catching up to this woman.

?The hella you?? asked Greg, still slightly, yet clearly, feeling the effects of the bar from earlier. These guys weren?t some punks off the street; they had weapons, and they were waiting for him. One of the men in front took a stance as if he was about to run, and then bolted at him. The man was fast, but Greg was more than ready for him. His eyes narrowed and he let his entire body loosen up, like water; he wasn?t too bad in terms of Jeet Kune Do. The man took out a switch blade with his right hand, and when he was almost to Greg, he jabbed his arm forward his just as Greg turned his body left to avoid the attack, bringing his right arm across his chest and making a fist with both hands. Greg stiffened and brought up both fists into the man?s gut. There was a millisecond pause, and then ? BAM! The ?tough? guy?s back arched slightly back, and his eyes went white as he threw up blood and mucus alike, falling to a heap on the ground.

Greg straightened up and smirked at the rest of the men. He counted in his head; only four more to go, I can get the rest of them in one go, no problem.

?Tuh, if the rest of you can fall that easily why should I even bother?? he gloated. The men?s blank faces turned to anger and rage, and one of them came at Greg with a metal pole while the others surrounded him on other sides. The man with the pole had a lot of muscles, and swung the pole as hard as he could horizontally from his right side. Boy, this alley-way is rather wide, too, thought Greg, standing perfectly still and not moving an inch. When the pole came at him, he put up his left arm and cushioned the end of the pole against his left armpit with the upper half of his arm, then grabbed it with his right hand over top. Greg shifted his feet and prepared his entire body for the task in front of him. Using all his strength, he picked the guy on the other side of the pole off his feet slightly, and swung the man?s end quickly to the right, directly into another of the men and slamming them both against the wall of an apartment. Sensing someone coming up from behind him, Greg grabbed the pole slightly higher up with both hands and shoved it upward from the ground in a mid-turn, hitting a man in his rib sockets and into another wall, pinning the other side against the ground amidst a few sparks and trapping the guy painfully. Stepping onto the horizontal pole, Greg hopped ever so slightly to bring up his legs and turn his body around as another brute side kicked in an attempt to trip him off, and came down to drop kick the man in the face before finally landing on the pole again. The pole fell right to the ground on impact, and blood splattered onto the side of Greg?s stern face.

Greg stood up straight once more and looked over the fallen bodies. Slowly, his eyes went from narrow, more and more open until he almost appeared to be smiling. He looked towards where the woman had walked off, and headed in that direction, breaking into a run. He ran faster and faster and pretty soon he could almost see her through the lighter fog of the mid-day sun. A smile appeared on Greg?s face, as he had almost lost hope in catching up with her before the alley ended, when -- BAM!

Where the hell did that arm come from!?! A man had come out of the shadows and clotheslined Greg right in his face, and due to the speed at which he was going, it caused him to lose his footing completely and flip over himself backwards, landing hard on his stomach and bleeding profusely out of his nose. He was aching all over, but at the same time, he wasn?t, and he forced himself, sprawled-eagled, over onto his back. When he opened his eyes he saw many of the men who he could have sworn he had just taken care of back there, and sure enough, there was the man he had first hit, a trickle of blood running down his mouth, as well as the guy he dropped kicked, and the one had gone at him with the pole. That?s right, there were six guys, one of whom he never fought!!!

?There's no way any of you could stand after that," stammered Greg, unconvinced. He struggled to get up, but three of the men grabbed him and put him on his knees, chuckling. They wanted feel their revenge; taste their revenge, very slowly. The remaining man who had knocked him down and who Greg had never gotten a hit out of stood, after kneeling to pick something up, and took a pistol out of his belt. He looked like any ordinary man in strength, and in face ? well, his face was there, but it wasn?t there, it was like he couldn?t make it out clearly. What was going on? The man went around behind him, loading his pistol, and there, kneeling in the damp alley-way, Greg felt fear. A drop of sweat fell down his face as the man cocked his gun against his head?[/i]

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EDIT: Dialogue improved...hopefully.
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Pretty good work for your first fanfic (if it could really be classified as a fanfic).

I thought the whole thing was very well described. There's a real sense that you know the exact place that you're talking about and that's very important. Most fanfics I read just make a couple descriptions and little else. It was nice to see that you took the task of describing the setting seriously.

I thought the action was pretty good, as well, though I felt the dialogue was a bit flat. But nothing that can't be worked on, though. It wasn't even that big of a problem, seeing as there wasn't much dialogue in this anyway - mostly description.

Overall, I think the story shows potential to be a great story. With some improvement, this could turn out to be a great piece of work. Good luck, man.
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Heh.. Nice little story, Syk, especially for a first.

Your grammar was obviously good, and lo!

[quote]
[i]They wanted feel their revenge; taste their revenge, very slowly.[/i]
[/quote]

A semicolon! You get extra points for that! *writes that down*

Hehe.. Continue to the next part.. I wanna be the evil villain! Ooh! Ooh! Can I be the evil villain! *rolls moustache between second finger and thumb* Mweh heh heh..

[b]8.5/10[/b]

Nice one. *realizes Syk was coming out of a bar in it* o_o'...
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  • 2 months later...
[color=teal][font=Verdana][size=2]Many thanks go out to all of you for your suggestions, and most especially to Solo Tremaine for helping me to revise my original copy and make it so much better. Our combined efforts helped to make this version at least ten times more creative and interesting than the original.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2]I have chosen to incorporate a few OtakuBoards members into the story line to give it some flavor, but I will also create an original copy with my own characters. Feel free to ask if you wish to see it once I finish with the three parts to my story.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2]The following OB members can be found in the final project: Syk3 [Greg], OtakuSennen [Nick], Mei [Rachel], and Shy [Josh]. There is also a possibility that I?ll be able to fit more people in, but they won?t have [b]major[/b] parts. :)[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2]As said, there will be three parts to my original fiction. This is part One, clearly, and it is intended to provide an example of what is to come. The main character is introduced and you can see the rest of the story will hint on genres such as martial arts, romance, science fiction to an extent, and bounty hunting, as well as a few gun fights. I hope that you enjoy this, and I want to get started on part Two as soon as possible. One last point that I will make is that I will most likely write Three first, and then Two, so expect them to be posted very close together.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2]Enjoy.[/size][/font]



[font=Verdana][size=2]----------------------------[/size][/font]



[font=Verdana][size=2][color=black][b]Blood Red Cross - Part One[/b][/color][/size][/font]

[color=black]It was late November. A heavy fog blanketed the city of South Boston, shrouding the light given off by the morning sun. The town was eerily quiet as a gentleman with a light, grey jacket took a sharp turn into a backstreet alley, warm air rising from his mouth against the bitter cold of the impending winter. The young man appeared to be in his late teens, standing just shy of six feet and sporting slight facial hair with a solemn look. He knew this was a bad neighborhood, but bounty hunting wasn?t exactly the safest job in the world, either. [i]There?s no place like home[/i], he thought facetiously, kicking an empty soda can from a pile of trash that had spilled onto the ground amid stains of dry blood.[/color]

[color=black]Having dropped out of high school for various reasons, the man supported himself with what little money he could make as a bounty hunter. The greatest thing about going after bounties is that no one ever asks questions; you can go out there and get paid for doing your stuff without having to worry about resumes, impressing your boss, or any of that crap. You can work at your own pace, and it can even be a part-time job. This man?s partner was his brother, and they planned to outline the local crime Syndicate?s next move this afternoon. That?s where all the big bounty pay-offs were at.[/color]

[color=black]The man followed the path of the can with his eyes, feeling drowsy from the early morning rise. In the distance, he saw the form of a young woman with tied back light brown hair, carrying a briefcase. He hadn?t noticed anyone and was stunned to see such an attractive woman traveling in this district unaccompanied.[/color]

[color=black]For a second, he felt a rising urge to chase after her. Shrugging it off, he continued walking. He can?t let absurd feelings like that get in the way of his job.[/color]

[color=black][i]I wonder how long this alley is, anyway[/i]. He had already been walking for quite some time. The ominous fog obscured his vision, making the end impossible to make out.[/color]

[color=black]He looked ahead to where the woman had disappeared. The urge to run once again sprang from within him, completely captivating the young man. His legs finally gave in to the burning desire to catch up to the woman, still barely visible up ahead. Before he could resist, he was chasing after her.[/color]

[color=black]?H-hey!? he yelled, more to his legs than anything. The brown-haired woman stopped for a moment and glanced over her shoulder, revealing affectionate green eyes that pierced through him like arrows to his heart. She turned back around and continued her relaxed pace.[/color]

[color=black]The man?s legs were not satisfied, however. His jog turned into a run and that to a sprint, but no matter how hard he tried, the woman kept a constant lead on him, her bag swinging at her side. And with each step, she faded further and further until the fog completely consumed her body. He slowed to a walk.[/color]

[color=black][i]What was that?[/i][/color]

[color=black]Suddenly, figures began to emerge from the alley fog ahead of him where the woman had vanished. One, two...no ? six tough men with a look of distaste on their shadowed faces appeared like ghosts from the fog.[/color]

[color=black][i]Pfft[/i], he scoffed. He wasn?t going to let a couple scrawny guys like these get in his way.[/color]

[color=black]?The hella? you?? one man with a buzz cut and a headband asked him. The man next to him took a cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it to the side. ?Man, I?ve seen that ****** before. He?s a bounty hunter.?[/color]

[color=black]?Call me Greg,? said the young man with a smirk spreading across his face. He was itching for a fight. ?Would you prefer to give yourselves up now, or am I going to have to pound it into your heads myself??[/color]

[color=black]These guys weren?t just some random punks off the street; breaks in the fog illuminated sunlight into the alley from behind Greg, flashing the trademark cross scars that all Blood Red Cross syndicate members wear, etched deeply into their necks.[/color]

[color=black]He shifted uneasily. One of the men in front tensed himself, and then bolted straight at Greg.[/color]

[color=black]The man was fast, but Greg was more than ready for him. His eyes narrowed and he let his entire body relax; he wasn?t too bad in terms of Jeet Kune Do.[/color]

[color=black]Drawing closer, the man whipped a switchblade from his jacket with his right hand and thrust it towards Greg. Greg turned his body left to avoid the attack, using his left hand to guide the attack away while bringing his own right arm across his chest and then making a fist with both hands. Greg stiffened and slammed his rock-hard hands into the man?s gut. There was a millisecond pause, and then ? [i]BAM![/i] The man?s back arched slightly forward. His eyes turned white, and a fetid mix of blood and mucus ejected from his mouth as he collapsed to a heap on the ground.[/color]

[color=black]Greg straightened up and smirked at the rest of his opponents. He counted them in his head ? four more to go. [i]I can get the rest of them in one go, no problem[/i]. [/color]

[color=black]?Tuh, if the rest of you can fall that easily why should I even bother?? he gloated.[/color]

[color=black]The men?s faces contorted with anger and rage. One lunged at Greg, whirling a metal pole through the air while the others surrounded him on other sides. The pole-man?s muscles rippled as he raised the pole into the air and swung it as hard as he could towards Greg?s stomach.[/color]

[color=black]He stood perfectly still, waiting for his opportunity to strike. When the pole swung at him, Greg raised his left arm and cushioned the end of the pole against his armpit with the upper half of his arm, then grabbed it with his free hand. Using all his strength, he lifted the pole up with the man still holding on to the other end, and then catapulted him straight into another of the men and slamming them both against the hard brick wall. [/color]

[color=black]Sensing a movement behind him, Grew whirled round and cracked the pole into another man?s ribcage, pinning him to a wall. He kicked the other end into the ground, causing sparks to fly into the air.[/color]

[color=black]As more footsteps approach, Greg stepped onto the now-horizontal pole and propelled himself in the air, avoiding an attempt to trip him, and turning himself around to kick another man?s face. As Greg landed on the pole, a sickening crunch followed the pole falling to the ground, blood splattering onto the side of Greg?s stern face.[/color]

[color=black]Greg straightened himself and surveyed the fallen bodies. Slowly, his battle-hardened expression softened, turning into a near-smile. He reached into his back pocket and retrieved a high-tech palm pilot with the words ?Bounty Hunter Personal PC-v2.3.011? written above the small screen. His fingers zoomed around the screen as he entered his user name and password, after which he removed a bottom piece from the gadget and took the fingerprints of the fallen syndicate members. The words ?Receiving confirmation? appeared under each of the bounty head names before he shut it off and stuffed it back into his pocket.[/color]

[color=black]He looked towards where the woman had walked off, and headed in that direction, breaking into a run. His pace quickened until he could almost see her through the slowly clearing fog. A smile appeared on Greg?s face, just as he was about to reach her-[/color]

[color=black][i]BAM![/i][/color]

[color=black]Greg crashed to the ground hard, wondering where the hell that arm came from. He could feel blood oozing from his nose. A man stepped out from the shadows, his arm still held out in a clothesline position.[/color]

[color=black]Greg?s body ached, but the determination to catch that woman filled him with energy once again. He forced himself onto his back. Opening his eyes, he came face to face with the men whom he had thought he had just taken care of. The first man he?d hit gave him a steely glare, a trickle of blood running down his mouth.[/color]

[color=black][i]Six men?[/i][/color]

[color=black]?What the hell?!" stammered Greg, incredulously. He struggled to get up, but three of the men grab him and forced him to his knees, chuckling.[/color]

[color=black]Feelings of revenge enslaved their minds. The taste of vengeance rose within them. They were going to enjoy this slow, torturous death of their assailant. [/color]

[color=black]The sixth man picked up something from the floor, stood, and removed a pistol from his belt, its metal barrel glinting in the light.[/color]

[/color][color=black]As he emerged from the shadows, Greg tried to make out the features on the man?s face. They were nearly invisible. The man circled behind Greg, his footsteps clicking ominously on the dirty ground. He heard the deadly ?click? of the pistol being loaded, and there, kneeling in the damp alley-way, the feeling of fear ebbed into Greg?s body. A drop of sweat trickled down his face as the man cocked his gun against his head?[/color]
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Ah yes, you have improved greatly since the last time you wrote this, Greg ^_^

The story is tons more fluid and easy to follow now. The choppiness that came up occasionally in the last part is just about gone now. I noticed a couple grammatical errors (mostly relating to tense - you alternated between past and present tense a couple of times) but overall the story was well written.

I enjoy the description that went into the setting, too. I always love great descriptions of settings; I like to feel like I'm actually inside the story watching everything go down, heh.

Can't wait for the next part ^_^
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[COLOR=#503F86]I really like this story- the imagery in it always reminds me of Cowboy Bebop, hehe. For the first time I actually feel like watching that now ^_^;

Anyway, this is good stuff. I know I helped edit it a bit, but even before I did I still really enjoyed reading it through. It's a great story basis that works well. I can't wait to read more ^_^

Good stuff, Syk! *throws present*[/COLOR]
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