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Writing Poems by Alan [M]


DeadSeraphim
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[font=Arial Narrow][size=1][color=Indigo]I don't write poetry often (well... I do, but a lot of it is crap lol) but I enjoy reading it and stuff. I'm basically gonna put all my GOOD poetry in this thread.[/color][/size][/font]
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[u][b]My Butterfly[/b][/u]
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[center]I can't see you,
My butterfly
I can't see through your lies

Your web is dark,
My butterfly
And none can hear your cries

But be careful
My buttefly
For all is not as it seems

On your web, a spider lurks, preying on things unseen
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[color=teal]I like the structure of the poem very much; short and effective, and as well as rhyming it also portrays a hidden meaning within it. The end is very compelling as it?s kind of a cliffhanger, but you're still led into knowing what will happen afterwards, so it's not your ordinary poem.

The poem displays the spider as the all powerful and mighty being who's at the top of the hierarchy and food chain. But, the spider is not necessarily the bad guy since it?s only doing what any other spider would do, it just wants to survive, that?s just its nature.

Another interesting point is that the poem is laid out in the first person perspective. It shows the view of the spider and the butterfly in a totally unbiased way, almost separately [i]and[/i] together.[/color]
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[font=Arial Narrow][size=1][color=Indigo]Not really a poem, persay, but a short piece I did for fun.[/color][/size][/font]

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[center][u][b]Angel/Demon[/b][/u]
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The pain was unbearable, a seering burning sensation that ripped through his physical body and made him want to scream. And then she, in as much pain as he, grasped his hand, and it stopped, and they floated off, in blissful delerium as wings tore from their backs. Hers as white and pure as driven snow, his as red and evil as spilt blood.
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Not bad. I didn't like the second one as much as I did the first one, but they're still both quite good. As said by blueyoshi, there's a hidden meaning in the first one, but not as much in the second one. Both, though, are short, simple, and easy to follow. Although, I did have to read the second one a few times until I completely understood it. That's probably a fault on my side.

I get a sense of helplessness from the first one, like the person who is talking cannot do a thing to interfear. Then the second one seems like the angel is somewhat in conrol, like she's saving the demon...maybe it may be good to expand upon that at some point.

Anyway, nice work.
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[color=teal]Yeah, but they aren't really comparable since one's a poem and the other is a short passage. The Angel/Demon one is still a solid piece, though. Nice use of adjectives there and I like the character representations CrH.

By the way... I know what the first poem symbolises. ~_^[/color]
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[font=Arial][size=1][color=Indigo]You only know cause I told you ya wiley bastard. This is inspired by Lord of the Rings. I know the rhyming scheme isn't a hundred percent consistent, but I like this poem anyway, esepecially the first verse.[/color][/size][/font]
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I am paranoid
I'm feeling faint
I'm an android
And I can feel the taint

Of the one ring
That hangs around my chest
My emotions seething
I knew I wasn't the best

For this unholy task
This exercise in death
I fear this breath will be my last
And eternity my friend

When I finally collapse
Push my face into the dirt
Let the ring-wraiths steal the prize
At their hands I'll suffer hurt

But Sam stands before me
His hand is outstretched, kind
A vision from my insanity
That I embrace and believe is mine

And together we make it
To the top of Mount Doom, of woe
But now I don't want to destroy it...
It is mine forever more...
---
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[font=Arial][size=1][color=Indigo]Insert superfluous devil smileys here.[/color][/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]I must say that I love Angel/Demon. It honestly reminds me of a piece I've done. Not the same, definately, but the way you describe really reminds me of that piece I did, heh. The imagery is fantastic and I really love it.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]As for the LotR poem, it's nice. It has a good rhythm, and it rhymes. It makes sense and isn't just random scribblings. It tells a story, it isn't melancholy as such nor overly sweet. It's a real one in a million poem, I think. It's not often a writer our age can shirk the [i]emotions[/i] and write about what is happening. Well done. ^.~[/size][/font]
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  • 1 month later...
[font=Arial][size=1][color=Indigo]Yayz! I finally wrote another poem. Its about being on a sugar high. You know... when you have soooo much sugar that you feel like you're high. That kind of high. But I took a few artistic liberties with the concept. Enjoy.[/color][/size][/font]

[center][b][u]Coke[/u][/b]

I'm sitting in my chair
I'm feeling quite insane
My hands are running through my hair
My friends say I'm a pain

But I'm on a fucking sugar high
There's nothing I can do
The caffeine's convinced me I can fly
And I'm looking down on you

But now I'm starting to descend
My brain is going dead
This sugar high is about to end
Lights flick off in my head

But never shall I relent to this!
I won't let the sugar win
I take another sip of my coke
And begin to soar again
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[COLOR=RoyalBlue][COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Right, use a swear word on a poem. Really original. ^_^x

It's funny you chose coke instead of chocolate for the sugar high idea. I find that catchy. Anyways, just wanna add that it's fun reading your poems.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR][/COLOR]
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[COLOR=SlateGray]That 'Coke' poem was great, very original and funny.

I can?t write poems to save my life, but I think yours are wonderful.

'Butterfly' is my favourite so far, angst poems are my favourite and I think this one is absolutely beautiful.

Angel/Demon is good too, I like that style of poem (I forget the name) the type were it doesn?t have to rhyme but still sounds amazing, like yours ^^

I look forward to more poems from you, keep it up.[/COLOR]
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  • 1 month later...
[COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial]This is morbid, but I was inspired by that wrestler... or at least I think he's still a wrestler... Whatever, lol. Enjoy, heheh.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
[CENTER]---[/CENTER]
[U][B][CENTER]Ignorant Fools - The Death of a Warrior[/CENTER][/B][/U]

A dark bird circled in the sky overhead, its harsh craw echoing over the empty valley like a supernatural chorus. Far below it, partially hidden by the thick mists yet to die before the sun's morning rays, lay a man. His armour was black as night, his tabard torn and bloodied. In his left hand he held a sword, in his right a mace.

His handsome face was uncovered, revealing his vibrant blue eyes and finely chiseled cheeks and jaw. Long roguish hair was tied back in a sweat soaked ponytail, and a fine fuzz had begun to grow over his strong features. Pity the maiden who would never see it, however, for even as he lay there, with the mists around him slowing disappearing, he bled. Great streams of crimson black liquid poured from his side to stain the dark earth around him, running through the rivulets and cracks in his armour in a valiant effort to escape. The man closed his eyes.

When he opened them again he had visibly paled. The ground around him was sticky with blood, and his hands had long since released their foolhardy grips on their respective weapons. The mist had long since burned off, revealing a sea of corpses that congregated around his dying form in concentric circles. His breath came in ragged gasps, and in his eyes could be seen the fear only death could bring. High above him the bird barked its harsh cry once again.

'And now it ends,' he said softly to himself. 'Only now does the mighty Raven fall to the blade of another. Far from civilization, protecting that which he loved.' He chuckled softly at his words. He should've been a minstrel. 'I hope the capitol appreciates the great debt I have done them this day. A barbarian horde, defeated, in service of the Kingdom.' Despite his weakness, he began to laugh hysterically. 'They sent their greatest warrior to deal with an entire army! What fools! What ignor--' A spasm of coughing interrupted his monologue to the empty skies. 'What ignorant fools...' the last words barely passed his lips. Above him the dark bird cried out.

'And now I disappear... into the great hereafter...' He closed his eyes and swallowed. His heart ground to a stop. His body grew limp. And the crow above descended, its dark wings a grim reminder of the death just passed. It landed on Raven's face, and pecked mercilessly at his closed eyes...
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[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Lovely death. I rarely come across stories like this because I'm not a fan of death themes but I must say I truly enjoyed this one.

I find it amazing how you work around verbs and adjectives, id est:

[COLOR=Purple]"Great streams of crimson black liquid poured from his side to stain the dark earth around him, running through the rivulets and cracks in his armour in a valiant effort to escape."[/COLOR]

That was just beautiful. ^_^

"Ignorant Fools" is also a good title but the "The Death of a Warrior" part is a little unimpressive to me. Other than that, Raven died in a picturesque death.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]
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  • 1 month later...
[font=Verdana][size=1]Not a bad piece, Alan. When I read the dialogue, I have to admit I winced, but then you had the line about being the bard and the world righted itself again, lol. I liked it. It was very bitter and sad and such, but still...death, heh. That makes no sense at all, but I think what I'm trying to say is this; death is often glorified and the warriors are often portrayed as noble [but stupid] men dying for the cause and government they love. The Raven is noble, yes, but he's bitter, too, and he holds no misconceptions about those he serves. So I think it's the character that makes this scene, although I'm sure someone could disagree with me, heh. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1] I..don't like the crow pecking out his eyes, lol. That part kinda freaks me out. Perhaps he's just pecking [i]at[/i] them, but it does freak me out there, lol.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]You got a little verbose at times, although it does go well with the death scene, so well done, hee. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]All in all, I think it's an excellent piece. Two very enthuisastic thumbs up. :p[/size][/font]
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  • 1 month later...
[COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial]I wrote this earlier because I lost the ability to post anything on my blog... I don't know who it's about, lol, I just wanted to write poetry. Enjoy.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

untitled

I watch you cry
I don't acknowledge
You appeal to me
I look away

You ask me why
My heart is so empty
I explain to you
It's always been that way

You demand to know
Where I hide my emotions
I tell you, in a locked box
That has no key

You leave me with my misery
Ask me 'Are you happy?'
And for once, I smile
And shake my head oddly

Of course I'm happy
I reassure you
I was never sad, I say
If you were to leave this moment, though

These empty eyes would never see another day
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