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Writing Kamuro's Writing Thread [M]


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[SIZE=1]As the title implies I've decided to post all my works in one thread rather then scatter them throughout the Anthology forum. The thread is rated M because some of my writing can be graphic and better safe then sorry.

I'll be seperating my writing into three sections. Poems, songs, and quotes. Each will be explained before my actual writings and I won't descrbe every single work, but I will now and then. I'd like you all to draw your own conclusions from the things I've written and decipher them however you like. I'd love to hear what you thought after reading them. Of course you don't have to critique them all, maybe certain ones you felt compelled to. Or simply say which one you liked best or ideas you thought were good. If you see a certain work that you'd like an explanation for please ask and I'll post one. Thanks

My poems are probably my most passionate examples of writing. In songs you sometimes have to compromise certain lyrics to fit the flow, but poems provide a lot of freedom. I'm allowed to ramble, put any feelings down I want and not worry about whether or not they fit a certain mold. My poems seldom rhyme since my feelings, even the happiest ones, don't rhyme in my mind, so why write them that way? Some of my poems are long, and others short. Sometimes even the most indepth feelings can be described in just a few words, so don't judge a book by it's cover. The poems aren't related in any way, so don't try to find a theme lol. They're simply works I decided to post.

[B]"Me and You"[/B]
be still my heart...
you are nothing shy of amazing
and I pray that things work out.
I am getting so caught up
in thoughts of you.
if this isn't what I thought
then I am up for another huge fall.
I really hope
that's not the case.
I could get used to
"me and you."

- - -

[B]"Casualties of Mail"[/B]
This letter to you stamped rather then signed
A blood substitute from the usual ink
And as I lay branded, loves true victim
Your taste lingers onward, leaving no solace

My eyes stamped closed revealing my cost
Five cents for my soul and a broken heart
Eager to speak yet my lips unable
Sealed tight like the letter, grasp in your hand

After reading, your eyes become veined and red
Mind scarred to match your paper cut palms
The message, written and long since traveled
Finds it's owner, and the morgue

- - -

You always wondered where we stood
Well I can say my feet are stuck
Soles happily neighboring that of your own

You always wondered how I felt
And I was confused by the look in your eye
I guess flowers are more subtle then they use to be

You always wondered if we'd work
I could never really say for sure
Yet you bring a warmth so long overdue

You always wondered if love was real
Well if it's not then please don't wake me
Reality is so overrated

Songs resemble poems on paper, it's hard to actually catch a beat without hearing the song first. I expect some of these will sound a bit weird, depending on how you read them. Some lines might seem out of place or lacking the harmony provided in the previous verse, but it's merely there to comply with the song. I won't be repeatedly writing the chorus, I might not even make a note of where it comes in again, as to not interrupt the reader. I hope you all like them.

[B]"Reading Between the Lines"[/B]
"Let's just be friends," she said with a smile
As if I meant nothing, as if she was special
"You'll find someone better," her vain reassurance
Hollow words and smiles leave me feeling empty

Tired lines is all you're good for, insincerity your vice
Lips bleeding lines of untrue words
Useless cliches and my own heart at fault

"I just need some time," she says, lacking patience
Counting the minutes from a clock flashing eights
"I've got to find myself," her muffled excuse
From a girl with a map and little direction

"I'll always love you," my own contribution
Brimming words from a razor's edge

- - -

[B]"How Are Things?"[/B]
Don't let go
Cause it's all that you know
(And) What's it like
To go down with the ship
You'd better hold on
To the weight that's pulling you
So at least (that way)
You won't go down alone

If you can't beat 'em then join 'em
That's exactly what you did
Way to give in, Way to give up
You gave up on hope cause you couldn't believe in yourself

How are things
Now that you're not yourself?
When it ends
Will you be happy with your life?
I remember
All the things you used to say
(But) Don't sign the note
Sincerely if you never meant a word

Quotes are simple things I hear or say that strike me more then the usual conversation does. Sometimes you can be struggling with a problem and the answer is as simple as a sentence from a song, or even a friend. Things can become complicated over time, and a small problem can distort and create something larger. A quote can help to understand life, or nothing at all, make you think, or confuse you totally. The possibilities are endless.

- "If you love her then go for it, if not, then what are we talking for?"
- "A life alone is no life at all."
- "I want a guy just like you...but not you."
- "Something to forget me by."
- "The permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Thats it for now folks.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

A fascinating lot to say the least, this is the first time I've ever seen anyone incorporate quotes into their thread. One thing I'll say for having a thread for all your work is that you never misplace any of it, however you are then reliant on other people posting so that you can add new stuff without it double posting or just having to continuously edit and add. Still onto the material.

I have to admit that poetry is slightly morbid for my taste, although you have it written in such a way that it almost masks the morose nature of the poetry so that you can actually read through it and admire the style. [B]"Me and You"[/b] is undoubtedly about relationships, though I'm wondering what aspect, it is a new couple ? A pair of newlyweds ? Or a pair just about to take the plunge and get married ? Still, a well written poem. [b]"Reality"[/b], another poem on the theme of relationships, "[I]reality is so overrated[/I]" there are times when that statement is very true. The style in which the poem is written allows the lines to flow very easily as you read them, something which poems on the theme of relationships often lack, you need only visit an English class and listen to the depressed drivel some people produce to enjoy this.

With the songs, I have to admit I'd need to here the beat to them before I could make a definitive comment on them. They seem to follow the same theme of relationships as the poetry did, though the material seems to read faster than the poetry did, although that might be down to the fact that I'm listening to music while I read them and trying to work out a beat. No, I'd definitely need to know the beat or what song to hum to in order to make an accurate judgement.

The quotes are interesting, some of them do have wisdom to them, "[I]A life alone is no life at all.[/I]" being the most pertinent, though others like "[i]The permanent solution to a temporary problem.[/I]" escape me at the moment, though will seem all too obvious when someone explains it to me. The quote "[I]If you love her then go for it, if not, then what are we talking for?[/I]" goes damn near ignored today, as some people seem content to stay in a relationship with someone they don't love because it's easier than having to tell them they don't love them.

I look forward to the next instalment of poems, songs and quotes. [/SIZE]
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The funny thing about songs and poems is that, like you said, they're so similar written down in many cases... the odd thing is that I love music, yet I can rarely bring myself to read poetry at all. Perhaps it's just some sort of weird psychological thing. I found myself more interested in what you have labeled here as "songs", but it's probably just because of the way I approach the words. I don't know lol.

Anyway, I thought most of this was rather strong. I don't really "write" myself, so I find it hard to give decent constructive criticism... but I suppose the main thing that grabbed me about these was that, despite some of their more solemn or downbeat (for lack of a better word) topics, they don't really have that lame, naggy quality that is present in the writings of so many other people. Personally, I think that's a big compliment lol.

Your last quote reminds me of the Simpsons for whatever reason.

Anyway, nice job. I wouldn't mind reading more, although as you've probably seen here, I'm not good at giving specific reasons for anything heh.
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[SIZE=1]Thanks to both of you for replying to work. I'll just go down the line of comments I guess lol.

I decided to post all my works in one thread since I did expect people to reply, and if they didn't, then there really was no purpose in posting more work anyway lol. If they hadn't liked or felt the need to comment on my first collection then I'd just assume the second would go over just the same.

"Me and You" is about the very beginning of a relationship. I believe when I wrote this I wasn't actually in a relationship at all. I had feelings for her and I felt she had the same for me, so this is sort of me worrying about diving into another relationship and hoping it works out for the best. Relationships can cause a lot of pain but if you never take chances then you won't find the love you're searching for.

The morbid poetry is a bit more graphic, yet I still believe it to be tasteful. Everyone has these types of feelings, anger, sadness, etc. I try to form an analogy for these with everyday situations or specific objects. "Casualties of Mail" is a good example of this. Although the poem itself pertains to a letter, it can be directly related to the relationship itself. The anxiety, pain, irony, all exemplified in the poem by a letter, can be seen in all kinds of past interactions with people or certain relationships.

The songs are a bit tough, but until I can get all of them on the computer and allow you to listen it's a bit hard to explain lol. For now just try to read them like poems and accept it for the idea rather then melodic justification.

lol, descriptive critques and intense POV's concerning the work is nice, but simple opinions are fine as well. I was glad to read your compliments and accept them all with a smile ---> :animesmil .

I'm still very young, so my experiences are somewhat limited. In the few years I've spent here, however, I've found a lot of hurt. I don't like to tell sob stories so I won't go into it, but a lot of the time writing helps to deal with pain. This leaves lots of bitter works and morbid ideals, that although unhappy, all of us are able to relate to. I try to express my feelings without taking a "whiny" aspect on them. I'd like to share my experiences with others, not simply complain about them. However, there is plenty of happy moments in my life, and I'll try to exemplify those a bit more with this post's writing.

- - -


[B]"I Hope You Call"[/B]
I wonder if you and I
would ever talk if I
stopped making a point
to call you
or come see you at work.
Would it bother you at all
when I wasn't around anymore?
Would you even notice?
Would your life pass on
without another thought of me
until you pass me
on the street one day.
By then its too late
and all you know
about me is my name,
so you don't stop
to make small talk
or catch up
because you are in a hurry
and I don't matter.
I think of you,
you're amazing...
I hope you call.

[B]"Playing Dead"[/B]
Artificial breaths
keep you close to me
Yet sentimental thoughts
pull you farther away
Wishing that I
was the man that you wanted
Instead of the boy
you'd come to know
Hoping you live
to see tomorrow
And swearing I'd be there
to hold you still
Refusing to promise
from my indiscretions
As your hand turns cold
your lips tint blue


[B]"Running On Empty"[/B]
Dear friend you ran away so fast
did you get where you wanted
or did running in circles swallow you whole
or did you run without thinking again

you're running on empty
and you've lost the things you need
you come to me for help
and reject my advice
I?m tired of this cycle
I?m tired of this tired cycle

I used to think I knew you well
but now I don?t know you at all
you now enjoy the things you once condemned
I want to let you know I miss you lost friend

I know that this isn't over
I?m praying for you dear friend
I hope you find what you've been looking for
and realize it's all nothing without him

[B]"Feature Presentation"[/B]
so here's your feature presentation
the lights are down and the spotlight's on me
will I screw up and make this a tragedy
or will I make you laugh and save this as a comedy

this play seems so familiar
I swear I?ve heard this script before
when every day feels like its yesterday
I find myself wanting something more

and when the credits begin to roll
will I see your name next to mine
did you help me end that boring and ordinary
day that just wouldn't fade away

these days are old and stale
I?m waiting for something monumental to happen
these days are old and stale
I?m waiting for me and you to happen

this day seems so familiar
I swear we've done this all before
why don't we stop living like yesterday
and turn what we have into something more?


- "We were born and raised the same way so what gives you the right to say
at least I'm not a liar?"
- "I've sunken in the quicksands of love, and I don't want you to rescue me. Screw what my supposed friends think, it's obvious they reek of jealousy."
- "Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of, till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love."
- "According to you we don?t click, that?s a blatant lie and you know it. Angel, what are you hiding from me? If there is truly another secret lunch-break, working late lover then I would die, but at least then I?d be free."
- "Although everything I said was just a picture in my head. I think we can make it."

That's it for todays post.[/SIZE]
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Hello, just thought I'd post and tell you how much I'm enjoying your work. I find it to be very innteresting, all morbid qualities included. In [B]I Hope You Call[/B] I found feelings that well, I have been through. [B]Playing Dead[/B] was also very interesting, I assume the person was dying? Yes I know I can be clueless sometimes.

[B]Feature Presentation[/B] was my favorite of the two songs, I think everyone feels that way sometimes. The line "when every day feels like its yesterday,
I find myself wanting something more" really hit me though.

Out of the quotes I really like the last one. Reminds me of something a friend once said actually.

Well that's all ^^ I just wanted to say that your work is excellent and to continue posting.
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[SIZE=1]Well, this time around I've decided to combine the song and poem categories since they're so similar when written anyway. I also added a "Prose" category, hopyou guys like it. Thanks to everyone who has read my work so far, even if you havn't posted it's really appreciated. Hopefully you'll enjoy these next few.


Hold me close
As if you thought I'd be gone by morning
No longer present to return the affection
Lungs having failed and blood struck still
Glazed eyes witness your departure

Hold him close
My fair representation
A mere illusion of what was once held
Again you'll be left with nothing of substance
Doomed to a life with hope once removed

Hold it close
Steel barrel pressed against your temple
Finger convulsing, the trigger in reach
Your mind pleading mercy
And your heart screamed salvation

Hold her close
Mother's arms embracing a dampened body
"Why?" - escaping the most brittle of lips
An innocent girl - tainted the brightest of red
Finding solace, and an overdue warmth

[B]"Worst Seat in the House"[/B]
How can I expect to cope?
With a pain so great, and little hope

And how can I expect to live?
No motivation, no love to give

And how can I expect to smile?
Eyes sewn shut, nothing worthwhile

And how can I expect to love?
When instead of here, you watch from above

[B]"Unspoken Love"[/B]
You're the girl I've known forever
And I'm the boy who's loved you as long
Looking up from below your window
And hoping maybe, you'll pass by

You're the girl who's grown so fast
And I'm the boy who's left behind
Admiring all that you've become
And wishing someday, I'll compare

You're the girl with all the friends
And I'm the boy who's become out of touch
Spending each minute planning impression
No longer expecting your second glance

You're the girl who broke my heart
And I'm the boy who bears it's cross
Nearly gone from all the weight
And hoping maybe, you'll come save me

You're the girl who's lost all hope
And I'm the boy who's long since passed
Never knowing how you felt
And missing out on unspoken love

[B]"Happy Endings"[/B]
I'm wondering if you're finished

Can I take the knife from my back?
Made it's way through, and my heart a casualty
Does this mean nothing, the years wash away
The burden of time returning with vengeance

I'm wondering if it's finished

Can I loosen the rope from around my neck?
Skin's crimson halo, and my breath a casualty
Couldn't you see as I was choking?
Or were you blinded from the flak

You're wondering if I'm finished

Can't you let go of the trigger's allure?
A trembling finger, and my life a casualty
No longer expected to blindly endure
Only to lie, forever still

I'm finished

- - -


- "This hate has nothing to do with you, I hate myself. For letting it get this far, once again. I could have prevented this harm, but living in sin, keeps us warm."
- "I can't make this deal with the devil because I know, he's on your side."
- "Sitting and waiting for you to show your face again, wondering which mask you put on for me today"
- "I'll pretend I don't know you're there ,I'll just wait for you to say hello."
- "So to hell with heaven, you're here for now and that's all I need."

- - -

Prose is what I call some works that aren't in poetry format or structure. They don't have to have rhythm but sometimes do. The following story is actually true, for more details just ask, but other then hope you enjoy.

[B]"Tonight's the Night"[/B]
The night was young and so was I. Sitting solemn and watching as the dimly lit sun faded into the ground. There was other places I wanted to be, but right now the best I could do was hope for the best. The tree's silhouettes shown brightly through, the night sky cluttered with blackened images. And soon another emerged. But what was it, a girl? No, a woman, the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Her hair was braided, delicately flowing down her back as she ran towards me, doing her best to hold up her dress from the dampened grass below.

As she approached I found it hard to question the arrival. And so I stood, slack-jawed and trying my best not to stare. "Hey" she said, her smile providing more warmth then the setting sun ever had. And as much as I wanted to reply, my lips were unable, and my legs trembled violently. "W-What about homecoming?" I stuttered quietly. All she did was shake her head, walk towards me, and take a seat upon the same wooden stair.

It seemed like forever as we talked, and it seemed like the party was nothing without me. I was struck dumb that she'd find me here, sitting alone and thinking of her. And as we went silent I rose from the seat, flicking on the radio and turning to her as a slow song began to play. Our eyes met and the air left my lungs. She was always was the only one who could leave me breathless. And so she stood, her hand placed in mine as my nervous fingers found their way to her waste. And we danced, just another silhouette in the evening.

- - -

Thats all for now guys, tell me what you think.[/SIZE]
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[FONT=Arial Narrow][B]Hold[/B]
Wow...that was a tad um...out there. Sounds like suicide to me, but of course I could be wrong. The way it was written was well enough, a little hard to follow, but that could just be me as well. Love gone wrong?

[B]Worst Seat in the House[/B]
Now, I'm not really sure what to say about this one. Some one is unable to be with you because of "death" I'm guessing. Ah...making an idiot of myself, shutting up now. I likes the two stanza theme. Tis good :)

[B]Unspoken Love[/B]
I've lived through this before...or something close to it. Except I was on the other end of it. I had a guy chasing after me since I was young and not until I realized that I did "love" him in return was it too late. He had finally taken another into his life and moved on. Ironic how life is like that, huh?

[B]Happy Ending[/B]
Gees...talk about depressing. And a tad morbid. Not really sure what to say about this one either. The structure is different. With the one line after long stanza, but its good. *ndos*

[B]"I can't make this deal with the devil because I know, he's on your side."[/B]
I love this quote. Just seems to fight so perfectly into the world, at least in my world. This one is my favorite thus far, *nod nod*

[B]Tonight's the Night[/B]
I really like this "short story" as I would call it. Truly shows how deep your emotions run for this girl and it must have been when you were really young because I don't know too many that still have such passion at an older age. Unless they didn't start liking/dating until they were much much older and never experincing the lesson know as heart ache.

Over all, I loves your work, Love. Can't wait to see more.

Much Love,
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  • 3 weeks later...
[SIZE=1][COLOR=Sienna]You have so many works, so I think I'll just comment on a few of the ones I favored.

[B]Me and You[/B] - There is such a simple beauty to this. I love the feeling I get just as I read the first words: "[I]be still my heart...[/I]" It just gives me this feeling of a romantic classic; it's a Shakespeare sonnet with a modern touch. I'm reminded of the passion of writers past. Again, the simple qualities are the ones that make it so pleasing to the eye, ear, and heart. "Nothing short of amazing."

[B]Casualties of Mail[/B] - This is such a clever piece! I'm usually not one who enjoys things with this sort of...harshness, with a touch of morbidity, but I was quite impressed just by the way you put things together in this. Usually people will combine letters and some sort of sentimental quality, or love, but you are entirely different! Instead of being whimsical, this piece makes a whole new definition for a 'love letter, although I have to say that I don't enjoy the last stanza as much - it seems...a different style, I think. Very impressive in whole, with a searing quality to it.

[B]Reality[/B] - More wonderfully clever combinations of words here. It's just how you make words portray a whole original image in place of what would usually be thought. And even though you are speaking/writing of love that gives such a dreaming quality, there is also a retentiveness to the real world, and it's that down-to-earth quality that is so attractive.

[B]Reading Between the Lines[/B] - This is so much more beautiful than a real break-up could ever be. It's very interesting to read, this dialogue between spoken words and hidden thoughts - you make the cliches entirely your own, and I applaud you.

[B]Worst Seat in the House[/B] - Why do I love this poem? I really have no idea what to say about this, except that I love the concept of it all, tied with the metaphors of a theatre, and the separation of the ever-present balcony in love. Something out of reach...

[B]Unspoken Love[/B] - So depressingly charming - depressing because of all the missed encounters; charming because of the careful structure. It's especially touching just because this sort of thing happens all the time in real life, and your poem portrays in such a lyrical way the botched process of finding love.

[B]Tonight's the Night[/B] - This is just absolutely gorgeous. You have captured the absolute and beautiful innocence of first love, I think in this, and it's completely magnificent and radiant. There is such a delicate and fragile quality, so easily marred, and yet you've somehow managed to preserve it in its entirety. And while usually some of the phrases used would make it seem corny, melodramatic, or forced, every poetic hint in this is resplendent and carefully fitted. This is one night that is completely perfect.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
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  • 3 weeks later...
[SIZE=1]Well, it's been quite some time since I posted anything since I've been so busy, but even through all the other stuff I've still managed to write aqnd I've got plenty of stuff for you guys to read. I'd like to thank everyone who's posted so far on my stuff and don't be afraid to post again with comments on new stuff. Thanks


[B]"Follow the Leader - Hymn 1"[/B]
I'll take her hand as I ascend
Soles equalled with my wingless angel
Light as air and still I stumble
Only she is there to catch me

And so we sway, to and fro
Fingers laced and interlocked
She leads me far from all my fears
Where I am safe, and not alone

She leads,
And I am poised to follow, quick to jump from stone to stone
She leads,
And I am lost without her, no one to guide me through the night
She leads,
And I am so far gone, her world much brighter then my own
She leads,
I swear I'm lost without her, of my devotion, she'll never know


[B]"Innocence, Mass Suicide"[/B]
The young will fall as they are born,
Our world becomes a fetal graveyard.
Those who live are doomed to grow,
Teenage life falls prey to sin.
Our only solace, remedy,
Cut wrists and throats, the blade our savior.
Depression's disease consumes us all,
Giving up our wanton children.


[B]"A Grave Made For Two"[/B]
Are you to live if I'm to die?
Fail to mourn, but remember to forget
Live as if I never existed
And love as if my heart wasn't your's

Is this a eulogy or my last serenade?
Will you swallow your pride and offer a hand?
As this casket consumes me
A tie thieving breath

Won't you join me six feet under?
Dirt provides the perfect escape


I'll decorate my room with your insides
Splash regret along my walls
I'll nail your organs unto oak
Sanguine fluids streaking down
I'll place your face upon my own
Beauty only runs skin deep
I'll seal the deal with one last kiss
As you awake and see I'm gone


[B]"She loves me..."[/B]
I'll wait
Until it snows in summer
Until the sun comes out at night
Until the rain falls to the sky
Until she loves me...


[B]"A Part of Me In You"[/B]
I can't believe that you're so empty

You've taken my heart to fill in your chest
Tied off it's ends and hoped for the best

You've taken my lungs to help you to breathe
Carefully placed and abused at your leisure

You've taken my skin to patch it all up
Intertwined stitches aid to weave lies

You've taken my brain to help you to think
Maybe next time you'll leave me behind


[B]"Hopefully you got the message?"[/B]
Spilling my guts is no longer an option
This paper is proof that my insides are empty
A letter carefully written in blood
Meant to be seen by your eyes only
Mailing things is such a pain, who knew that organs weighed so much?


- "If your heart was broken, you'd be dead."
- "Could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies, you know what I mean."
- "I'm racking my brain, trying to comprehend, how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends."
- "We're murdering our lives trying to make it work,but you and I both know, that we are a lost cause."
- "I?m scared to death to find out what you think of me."

Thats all for now.[/SIZE]
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[FONT=Arial Narrow]I was thinking on how best to reply to all your wonderful work, and then it dawned on me. How best to reply to such masterful pieces then to create my own :animesmil

Ok...well the poem I had in mind has slipped my mind. But this quote thing...that I wrote...will work just fine.

"If I could take your pain away, I would. What would the price be, for me to set you free? It wouldn't matter because I would give it willingly. Whether it was my life or the chance that I would lose you forever, I would take away your pain, even for an hour. Because just to see you smile, hiding nothing behind it means all the world to me."[/FONT]
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