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Writing for erin, [PG]


Mitch
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[quote name='Kurama + Hiei']It was so cool! Write more! Please! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :animeswea :animesmile[/quote]

This is one of the reasons I rarely post anything I write here any more.

Why was it cool? What does it mean to you? Are there any ways it could be improved?
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[font=Arial][size=2]I apologise, Mitch. I meant to get to this sooner. I've sent a PM, but I won't delete it, since you've already replied.

I like that fact that your style has become simplified. Not long ago, it was very complex and just plain ol' confusing. You've slimmed it down and kind of cut the crap, which is fantastic. It's sleek and shiny now. [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]

The problem I still have with it is that it's...ambigious. It doesn't seem to have a direct focus and it doesn't draw enough emotion from me. I think, by focussing it more, it'll draw the reader in more.

However, I'm pleased to see the development in your style. It's lovely. ^_^
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[QUOTE=Lady Asphyxia][font=Arial][size=2]I apologise, Mitch. I meant to get to this sooner. I've sent a PM, but I won't delete it, since you've already replied.

I like that fact that your style has become simplified. Not long ago, it was very complex and just plain ol' confusing. You've slimmed it down and kind of cut the crap, which is fantastic. It's sleek and shiny now. [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]

The problem I still have with it is that it's...ambigious. It doesn't seem to have a direct focus and it doesn't draw enough emotion from me. I think, by focussing it more, it'll draw the reader in more.

However, I'm pleased to see the development in your style. It's lovely. ^_^
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Perhaps I should explain the background of what led me to make this poem. Maybe that will make it less ambiguous.

I wrote it for karma_of_chaos, AKA Erin, because she wrote a post on her journal about how hectic her life's been lately; in it she said she honestly considered suicide at one point because she found her mom was overdosing on some drugs. Thus, when I say "life lumbers loud/ aching, scraping proud/ to kill everyone around" - that's what I mean: life's hardships make us feel ultimately defeated. Basically, the poem is a call to love as a fighting answer to life driving people to destroy themselves and so on.

It's pretty hard to find exactly something I could change in this poem. To me, it's already pretty damn good. I could perhaps look at changing some of the words or so on. . .but as far as focused, I think it's pretty damn focused. The hardest part of the poem was definitely finding a suitable end that worked within the rhyming framework of the poem, and that ended up being "kissing lying down/ you will not frown." Maybe it's worth it to try to think of an even better ending line. I've also got to remember that there's got to be those end rhymes all the time as well if I'm going to tinker with this.

I'd like to say that this isn't the "the" new style of mine. I write poems in many different ways, I was just in love with this poem and I thought it was worth a reader reading and showing me how to make it better perhaps.
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[font=Arial][size=2]Ah. Seen in the light of the situation, the poem becomes less ambigious and more emotive -- and more focussed. As a reader, not knowing the situation, I had no clue what was going on. As a reader now aware of the situation, there's a feeling of...affection, friendship and concern when I read it. Perhaps that's not what you intended, but that's what I get from it. [/size][/font]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[quote name='Nomura']Can you tell what state "Erin" is from? The place it occurs always helps me understand what's going on better. Also, is this a sensual poem or a pity poem?[/quote]

The place it occurs is obslete in this poem. And you can find out the final question for yourself. As a writer, I shouldn't have to answer that; it should've already been accomplished in the poem itself.
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