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Writing Forgotte


Aberinkula
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[COLOR=Blue]Here is a collection of poetry. Instead of making a new thread every time, I will put them in here.Tell me what you think. Don?t hold back on your thoughts. I will update the posts as I go or until the next post.[/COLOR]

[SIZE=3][COLOR=Blue][B]Cliche[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[COLOR=DimGray]Every time I wake,
I can feel it, the earth shake.
Under my feet, I can see
what I could be.
Yet, unlike you, I can?t become,
One in one.
Yes, I?m split in two,
Reminded, I look at you.

You hold the cure to my cancer,
Yet you don?t answer.
Silent, I see?
What?s wrong with you, is it me?
Tell me your emotion, cause I can?t feel.
Losing my place, losing face, I can?t heal.
Don?t leave me alone
I can?t go home.

I can?t even look forward to tomorrow.
I?m drowning in sorrow.
still you don?t look back at the memories.
As I see the falling black trees.
Dead like the night,
No one to hold me tight.
You smile and laugh as I die.
Still you won?t answer when I ask ?why??[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=DarkOrange][B]F-H[/B], you've progressed to the point, at least, that you know how to write a poem. Before, i know I always insulted you horribly and shouted that you sucked at format and had no rhythm and all that stuff, but i think you have that down now. This is definitely a working poem. Fully functional. Could be a song even. Now let me tell you why I don't like it.

This poem might as well have the word 'cliche' as it's title. This is a poem that has been written a thousand, million times by a thousand, million people. These are the lyrics to thousands of songs - the inline of thousands of diaries, the meanderings of thousands of minds. This is a pencil that has been pressed to a thousand papers and moved the same way, creating the same words. I have read this poem beofore many, many times.

First of all, and I know i've told you this many times before; it feels like this poem exists for the sole purpose to rhyme. The rhymes are utterly cliche and without the rhyme, this would be nothing. You came into this poem with the sole intent of writing something that rhymed, didn't you? now, what you did do right is make rhymes that actually fit. In the past there have been times where you've gone out of your way to make something rhyme, but this time everything sounds natural.

Now, let me remind you once more, this IS a perfectly functional poem. And, really, there is no such thing as a poem that isn't cliche, as basically everything has been done before at some point. But really, that's no excuse not to make the best of a cliche and make it the shining, glimmering light in the cliche darkness. But no. This is a poem I've read so many times I couldn't tell you the number. NEXT.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=blue]Thanks DB, I'm glad it works too. Yeah, I know, I'm always cliche. As long as it doesn't get repetitiove every post. (Wait, I think it always has...)

But here's another poem to read. It's a spanish title but not in spanish at all. Just thought I'd give one of my pieces a different language for a title. Let's see how this one goes.[/COLOR]
[CENTER][][][][/CENTER][COLOR=Blue][CENTER]Las Manos de Apocylptic del Destino[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray]I could let this pain get me down to my last breath. But I know that hell is just around the corner. I don?t need your gods, despite all the odds. Some are scheming against me, I feel so cliché. It?s old, I know.
It?s not bold, I know. But who are you to tell me the truth? I know that this world is empty, damn it I know it?s cold. The devil is inside you. His presence has been told. Just fly away and die.

The beast is sleeping in this town. His body twists with fire. Buildings are burning down, but I can see the fate returning. Light is just as deadly, as the darkness? black dead grip. So don?t let your hell slip. I sleep inside the alleys, suing snow as my blanket. As I look up I feel like it?s all going to come down on me. Glass smashing on my skull, the blood falling to the ground.

Holding your finger up high, waving this life goodbye. You think a smile will help, but you know inside, it won?t. Terrible this world, and you want it dead. I cry and run ahead. Try to stop you, I know I?ll fail. But at least I will try. Take your dagger in your hand, put it into my chest. Hell is about to come up, and your it?s devil. Evil angels start to howl, like the wolves in the night. Apocalypse has just begun, and humanity has lost the fight.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=Blue][CENTER][][][]
There I've gone away from my rhyme affiction.[/CENTER][/COLOR]
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[COLOR=DarkOrange]O_o wow. I think... yeah, I actually like whatever the hell that is (poem? short story? collection of three paragraphs?) in any event, very nice. I enjoyed reading this. I got an image in my head, I followed it along, and I found it enjoyable. I never thought I'd say this but -- great (whatever the hell it is) [B]F-H[/B]! [/COLOR]
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[quote name='2007DigitalBoy][COLOR=DarkOrange]O_o wow. I think... yeah, I actually like whatever the hell that is (poem? short story? collection of three paragraphs?) in any event, very nice. I enjoyed reading this. I got an image in my head, I followed it along, and I found it enjoyable. I never thought I'd say this but -- great (whatever the hell it is) [B]F-H[/B']! [/COLOR][/quote]

[CENTER] :bellylol: :D [/CENTER]

[COLOR=Blue]Thank you very much DB! I was never to think you of all people would be well somewhat, kind of, maybe, flabbergasted about my work. Don't think I'll slack on it though, prepare for more everyone![/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]Okay so this is another new thing for me. Despite being an idiot/joker, I have never writen a comedy poem. So here goes something.

[B]Mutant Freaks![/B][/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray]Mutant freaks are everywhere,
Turning into underwear.
Mutant freaks are eating my soup,
Turning into green globs of gook.

Huh? What?
Yes, I said mutant freaks are everywhere.

Mutant freaks are in my house
Ones transforming a pair of my shorts into a blouse.
Mutant freaks are in the tub,
Absorbing water, eating my grub.

Huh? What?
Mutant freaks are everywhere.

Mutant freaks, I can?t kick them out!
They?ll try to kill me, they may pout.
Flying men are in the air,
Fighting each other with silverware.

Huh? What?
Mutant freaks are everywhere.

Taking the soil out of my garden,
Some talking in gibberish, I beg your pardon?
.Some are zapping my flowers with their eyes.
God I just want to die!!

Huh? What?
Mutant freaks are everywhere.[/COLOR]
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  • 3 weeks later...
[COLOR=hotpink][B]Well you do have a sense of freshness...yet...cliche' rhymes. It seems as if these are the lyrics of another band like Linkin Park and etc. But of course, I won't hate on your style. I liked them, but I didn't like the fact that alot of it seems like it's there just to rhyme. You don't have to rhyme that much. ...Well atleast you didn't go with a Dr. Seuss rhyme...that would've ended badly.

Now, I did however like Las Manos de Apocylptic del Destino alot, because "you got away from your rhyme affliction", and it turned out rather nicely. You should write alot more, keep it up.

P.S. I'm not really sure what to say about Mutant Freaks though, lol.[/B][/COLOR]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[COLOR=DarkRed]Here's a couple of new ones for your enjoyment. I haven't written much of anything because my mind is out of ideas. Damn budget cuts. But anyways...[/COLOR]

[CENTER][B][COLOR=Orange]Tears to ash[/COLOR][/B]

[COLOR=DarkRed]I can feel it crawling inside me.
Holding my heart, and clenching it tightly.
Blood bursting in my veins.
My tears turn to ash from under my eyes.
Bound to the soul of eternity.
Forever burning me.[/COLOR][/CENTER]

[B][COLOR=Orange][CENTER]I Beckon Thee[/CENTER][/COLOR][/B]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER]Come into this world, oh I beckon you.
Spread out the spores of your potent disease.
Feel the pain slip with ease.
You?re a monsters worst fear,
But your not mine.

Kill all you see, oh I beckon you.
Leave no one alive.
Destroy, decimate, don?t discriminate!
You?re my slave.
You?re an empty hollow soul.

Turn into a god, oh I beckon you.
Turn the world inside out.
Leave no stone unturned.
Turn back at your master and become one with him.
Leave no star in the sky.
Leave nothing alive.[/CENTER][/COLOR]
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