JCBaggee Posted May 7, 2002 Posted May 7, 2002 [color=red][size=3]Your grief I feel Your pain I cannot heal How can this be true? How can this be real? Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. I'm sick of seeing all this hurt I see your tears as they stain your shirt. The stains of your lost soul I want to help you take control. Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. And I can be your helping hand. The one you trust in this cursed land And you can be the soul I saved The one life I truly changed... And once you've found your peace Your soul no longer creased No more tears will you see For you burden lies with me. Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. ------------------------------ Comments? Please say what you think, I'm seriously considering submitting this one to some poetry sites! --JCBaggee[/color][/size]
Sere Tuscumbia Posted May 7, 2002 Posted May 7, 2002 Oooo . . . pretty and moving! I like! ^-^ Keep writing! ~!*Sere & Co.*!~
Geist Posted May 7, 2002 Posted May 7, 2002 I like it! It had a really nice rhyming...thing...What is the name for it? It's right on the tip of my tongue.
Mitch Posted May 7, 2002 Posted May 7, 2002 The point of the poem is set out greatly, and the execution isn't to bad. If I were you I would submit it to one of the poetry sites.
Raiha Posted May 8, 2002 Posted May 8, 2002 [COLOR=seagreen]If I were you, I'd make the size smaller. Otherwise it's alright.[/COLOR]
Guest Morph Posted May 8, 2002 Posted May 8, 2002 [size=1] I like it a lot, the flow of the words are good, and I want to see more [/size]
The Harlequin Posted May 8, 2002 Posted May 8, 2002 The repetition of inbetween verses makes it sound like a song. Other than that, excellent.
JCBaggee Posted May 9, 2002 Author Posted May 9, 2002 [color=red][size=3]The repetition was intentional. When I learn to write music, I'll set it to a nice little tune. 'till then, it's a poem. I haven't got time now, but I'll put some more up later today as new threads...I've got quite a few I'd like to submit.[/color][/size]
Spikey Posted May 9, 2002 Posted May 9, 2002 That's really good. Nice ryming with it. One thing when your writing a poem, unsted of putting periods, put commas. Like this: And I can be your helping hand, The one you trust in this cursed land, And you can be the soul I saved, The one life I truly changed... Like that. I hope that helped some. Oh and make it smaller before you submit on anything. ;)
JCBaggee Posted May 9, 2002 Author Posted May 9, 2002 [color=red][size=3]What does everyone mean by smaller?! Cut verses? Smaller text?! What??!![/color][/size]
Sere Tuscumbia Posted May 9, 2002 Posted May 9, 2002 Smaller text I do believe . . . But otherwise, I DO like it . . .
jupitersun Posted May 26, 2002 Posted May 26, 2002 i really like your poem its really moving in a way you really shoulkd submit it to a poetry website leave it exactly as it is
Raiha Posted May 26, 2002 Posted May 26, 2002 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Sere Tuscumbia [/i] [B]Smaller text I do believe . . . But otherwise, I DO like it . . . [/B][/QUOTE][COLOR=royalblue]Yes, smaller text please.[/COLOR]
JCBaggee Posted May 26, 2002 Author Posted May 26, 2002 [color=red][size=3]What?! A new reply?! I though this thread was dead! Anyway, thanx for telling me about the smaller text. I'll keep that in mind next time I post something.[/color][/size]
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