Writing fire demon

[vegeta rocker]

i think most of you can guess who this is about,but if you can't ill post it later. I tried some rhyme on this one hope it turned out ok.



dear one speak to me
yawn and show your fangs
please push me away and say
how silly that i am

trace my hand on your cheek
keep it warm
coat it with tears as i mourn

abandoned by the makai city
floating in the heavens
tell me how this is all over
in less than a second

search in your eyes
but they no longer glare
black and white streaks shudder
as the wind blows your hair

what of your sister
now she will never know
of the brother
who loved her so

the earths vines creep around you
and claim you as their own
in anger i push them back
you're mine and mine alone

what of your skill
this can't be the end
will your fingers never trace
the edge of your blade again

fire demon i call to you
awake
please awake for me
but you were invincible
am i all who sees

when the world betrayed you
once and again
you were always
back with revenge

your pale skin glimmers
under the moon
hold your head to my chest
then cry as foxes do

[Boo]

Wew! MEEE LIIIIIIIIIIIKE!! [B][size=4]GREAT[/size][/B] job!

[Trumen]

Nice poem, I like it and I give it 7/10.

[Phantom]

yea ima agreat with truman just add a coupe opinionated idears...

7/10.. try out more exdended usage of vocabulary? ...and possibly separate stanzas?

[Mist]

[color=red][size=1] I must say the only complaints I have is that your vocab isn't too broad and your grammar used isn't done very well. But the idea was very good and you should be proud of your piece of work![/color][/size]

[vegeta rocker]

i went back and edited it. check it out.

[Corey]

I wish I could have seen the first draft...
The second one is pretty good though.
8/10
Very deep, and it makes me think.