future girl

my most painful moment. . .would have to be when my heart was crushed for the very first time. i had always felt like life wouldn't let me be happy, but when i met him i think my whole mind changed. i thought we would be happy, die together, you know all that sappy romantic stuff. but then, quite all of a sudden, might i add, he told me he couldn't be with me. he told me, "i can't let someone like you be with someone like me." it was so much pain. physical and emotional, like my chest would cave in, i couldn't stop crying and then i didn't have any tears left and i was doing the dry sobs. i felt like he was just proof that i was gonna die alone, that i would never find happiness. now though, the thought of dieing alone is not so scary. i've decided that if i ever want to be truly happy i have to learn how to do it by myself, and then maybe i can accept another person into my life. sure, i miss him, but maybe i guess i know better now.

i met this man about six months back, his name is Markus, he is twice my age and lives in finland. i've never felt safer talking to someone though, i love him and not romantically. i have very few ppl i can turn to, but he is always there. he says i am him when he was younger and to me that is a compliment because if i ever end up like him that will be something good. it's not so much that he understands me, it's the fact that he tries to. i'm not to trusting of older men, but he is the exception. . .he's the exception to all my biases. :)

weee, i'm going to Yasumicon on Saturday. it's my first ever convention so i'm pretty excited *nods* i don't cosplay though, it's not my thing. . .

my biggest fear is accidentally selling my soul to the devil (emphasis on the accidentally) i know it doesn't seem logical, but i figure the devil is a canving bastard so he can somehow fool me into doing it no? it scare the crap out of me, o god, sometimes i even cry -_-

once i dreamt that i was naked in my bedroom and instead of my private area there was a white plastic box with blue buttons. then this man comes in and we're gonna get it on O_o appearently the guy does his thing and then leaves, even though he never took off his suit. so then i cross the hall and go into the bathroom and i notice that my mouth has this awkward scum over it, so i start to peal it away and then this translucent goo vaguely resembling hand sanitizer began to drip from my nose and eyes. odd, no? o_O

hmm, well it all depends for me. there are bands that i have grown up with, have been listening to since i was like 6 y/o such as Jaguares, The Cure, Depechemode, etc. etc. basically, old bands, way before my time, that i've learned to love and can't imagine not listening to them. Then there are newer bands who i can't really vouch for. i mean, if the music stays good i'll still like them, but because they are fairly new i have no gaurantee that it will. nevertheless, i can't imagine minimizing the amount of music i listen to, i always find more, i take it everywhere i go, i hum it when the batteried die out, my life is a little musical to me :) (just less annoying)

The funniest movie i ever saw is called Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, it's by Pedro Almodovar, it's a spanish film and it is great, such subtle sadness in insanely hilarious moments. just great. ^_^

my favorite love song is Hyperballad by Björk. it really just describes feelings that i feel, appreciation for the special someone. *sigh* it's nice *nods*

My favorite band is called Jaguares (spanish rock). they're really quite cool, mixing folk loric sounds with electric guitars. i like them a lot. my favorite song is. . .well, i've got a few, there isn't just one. from them i'd have to say El Miercoles de Senisas is great. :)

i think i don't think like most woman, but then again maybe all woman think that. . .*shrug* let's just call it a mystery

i sleep in the day, stay up in the night, even during school. it's a habit i can't get out of. yesterday i went to bed at around 5, woke up at ll, that's not soooooooooo bad. i like the night, i feel more at ease in it. generally i try to get up at around noon or earlier, i can survive on 3 hours of sleep. i've gone to school on one hour of sleep before, i usually sleep in class though, so i guess that doesn't count -_-

my life consits of cleaning and baby sitting, that's keeps me busy but i'd still rather not do it. . .i barely go out though, i don't know. if i lead a boring it's my fault, i in the end don't mind it, just i'd rather not babysit is all:rolleyes:

hoorah for the brazilian soap opera i also like cooking shows, call me a geek, but i'm obsessed with them. i really like Food 911 and a Cook's Tour. i'm not sure why, i can't even cook, but the shows are great :)

what gets me really mad is. . .ok, you know how ppl have accents, when other ppl say that they should lose them because they've been living in the US or some other stupid reason like that. also, when let's say for example, someone dubs a german movie and all the germans talk english, and there are no americans in the movie, btw, and they makes the germans who are speaking english have german accents. how does that make any ******* sense?????!?!?!?!? it really pisses me off. . .

i had this dream where i was trying to meet batman because i had a crush on him, but instead i met this villain guy who looked like dick grayson instead. he had this weird relationship with his sister, like she sorta was in love with him and so when he tried to date other girls she would scare them away. so he had a thing for me and so in order to meet batman i decided i would act like i was in partnership with him to kill batman. soooooo, it was like the afternoon and bruce wayne was making a speech at my school and all through the crowd there was like a group of dancers dressed in business suits dancing and prancing all over the place. so then after the speech i have to cross some swamp, but before i do i see one of the dancers who has blonde hair. i look at him and then call him a loser, we exachange a few words about how the dancing has to do with a televisions show and that it's gonna be a big hit. then he disappears and so i take off my highheels and cross the swamp. btw, i am wearing panty hose and i can feel that awkward wetness that comes when you submerge your panty hosed legs in water. anyway, i get out and go into like this temple like place and i look for the villain guy. so i go and there's this room that's hidden by a curtain type thing so i sorta push it aside and i see the guy and he's like touching himself while his siter watches him and laughs. he looks so serious and mad about it too. so i go, very loud and right in his ear EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW and then i walk out take off my panty hose and lay down on a step. then i wake up. that dreams kinda sad, i never got to meet batman :(

i once had a dream that this guy i knew called John had asked me for 5 dollars, but i didn't have any so i sarcastically said, "i got 10 cents, you want ten cents???" he got mad and walked away. i for some odd reason felt guilty and so i started looking through my and this girl's book bags for money. then all of a sudden we heard like a yell. so me and this girl walk toward the building and we see like rows of dead body's lieing on the ground. a teacher of mine is breaking some glass to open the window and when i ask him what's happened he says, "it's almost like he just couldn't let them get away with it." (john was the murdere btw) so then i notice among the bodies that one is still alive. it's my sister's best friend claudia, and my sister somehow shows up. claudia's face had blood on it and her hair was pasted to forehead, she was also wearing this lace dress that was really really ugly (80s style). so when i ask her "are you ok?" she says, "cn you give me a glass of water?" so my sister runs into the building and she gets a can of peas that's halfway full and brings it to her. that's it. then i wake up. today i dreamt twice. one was about a ghost who would turn ppl into stone if they disrespected him, the other. . .all i remember is that my b/f tells me, "i'm sorry," and that that's it. i have a lot more strager dreams, but i'm lazy now.

[QUOTE]Or if what everyone sees is different. My blue might be someone else's pink, and their pink might be someone else's purple. But when they say 'as blue as the sky', they still see another color. Maybe that's why people like different colors, because what they see is different, and... *trails off* x.x;;;;;[/QUOTE] wow, i've had this exact same thought for so long, i mean down to the last syllable, i've always thought that, it's hard to explain without ppl looking at you funny though. . . i always sorta had this feeling that what i'm living is all a dream, waking up, i don't know. i mean, what will i wake up to, even though this life is poo i know what i am, i know what i'll be, i've found my way, sorta, in this life. i don't think i'd like to start all over again. . .

well, i get migraines and what i do if i don't want to drug myself up (which is rare) is i take really hot showers, it sorta sooths me and such. hehe, you know what's funny, my mom encourages pill-popping. i don't have to be sick and she'll be like, here take this and give me like 4 mystery pills. (i don't take 'em)

The other day the man who was renting an efficiency in my aunt's house told her that while she was out of the house a man came looking for her. He was dressed in a white suits and white socks, no shoes. She remembered that was how my uncle was buried so out of curiosity she showed him some pictures and he said he was absolutely sure that the man was my dead uncle. The guy says my uncle said he'd be back for her later. . .O_ostrange stuff like this happens to her quite a bit, and not just my uncle, but her son too.

i like to be alone because there's more peace and tranquility in it. there are times when i desire human contact, but even then i can only stand the company of 2-3 ppl. crowds just tense me up.

well, i won't lie to you, i do have a thing for 6-packs, i'm picky, but at the same time the only men i've EVER really felt for aren't all that attractive. i mean, as my emotion deepens for them, so does my attraction until i find him irresistable and i just can't live without him. in the end i prefer a decent man that treats me right and looks a little not pretty, rather than a hot *******. . .so yea

[QUOTE]your name wouldn't happen to be Sandra would it?[/QUOTE] me??? um,. . .no. . . bad day version 2: when ppl tell me i can do something WEEKS in advance and then they change their mind, then i get mad and they get mad because i get mad and start teasing me because it really doesn't matter when i'm angry. *kills many ppl*:flaming:

money can lead to happiness, but if i could change one thing, it wouldn't be that. i would want to change. . .the ppl i live with. not their personality, just have them dissapear, leave and never come back. *nods* that would improve everyones lives, i think.

whoever said money can't buy happiness has never been poor. *nods*

my bad day usually begins with "wake-up you have to take care of the kids." i'm one tiny person watching FIVE childern all by myself, FIve children all under the age of six. AND i don't get paid. that's horrible, to wake up and know that the whole day will be dedicated to breaking up fights, cleaning dirty asses, vomit, making bottles, and all that crap. then, when their mom (my sister) finally gets home, she won't let me get on the computer, and if i do manage to get on she just starts yelling at me about how secluded my life is. well, it's not like her FIVE kids are helping me get out and make something of my life are they?????????? so basically, everyday in my house is a peice of ****:rolleyes: