Writing "Back Up"

[Sui Generis]

Well its been forever since I have posted any of my poetry on here. Its been almost 7 months O.o.....Anyways I wrote this poem when I got bored in English a week ago. Its ok but I want others opinions on it.

Comments and Criticism needed!


[b]Back Up[/b]

Back up,
You've knocked me down!
Back up,
You've made me frown!

You pushed and pulled fighting me
Blindly kicking you'll never see

Back up,
You've torn me apart!
Back up,
You've ripped my heart!

You've haunted me every day
Screaming, not listening, to what I say.

Back up,
You've broken my will!
Back up,
You've made me ill!

You've taken away my only dream
Knocking me off life's little beam.

Back up,
You've tried it all!
Back up,
You've made me fall......

So yeah thats it....

[dd protector]

Its simple buts its kewl. Its touching and it seems very personal and conflicting. 7/10 keep writing ^_^

[Shaun]

I like that. A lot. It seems so simple, yet if you really look at where it came from, it's so deep as well. I give an 8/10.

[Posthumous]

[color=teal][size=1][b]You should become a rapper y'know.

That's a nice song, the words fit together.I likies!

9/10[/b][/size][/color]

[pomme putr]

I don?t like it. The refrain doesn?t come off as poetic, rather, irritating and amateur. It's too straight-forward for my tastes. It seems like you didn?t take the time to establish any real flavor, and because of this, there really isn?t anything in the poem that stands out as abstract, or deep. Practice on depth, and don?t model your poetry after the lyrics you hear on MTV.

4/10.

[Sui Generis]

I really wish you could read some of my other stuff. I actually agree with you, I personally didn't like the poem...Thanks for the straight-forwardness...

[Frankie]

VERY.... very... um. ..i like it sort off. . its good im not to into the poetry thing anymore and to think i used to win poetry awards *fizzles*

[Juu]

[color=ff00cc] [size=1]Hmm... not bad. 7/10
I like the way you made the words rhyme, but I think a few words can be taken off to make the stanza flow a little easier. ^_^;

I can't write poems at all, soo... *curls up under desk* [/color] [/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] It's too monotone and not original enough. I'm all with pomme--it needs to be deeper.

Deeper in that it needs to be abstract. It needs to have some wonderfully descriptive words that bring you into the feelings you're feeling. More poetic. Find something that relates to your feeling--something utterly abstract. Something that [i]screams[/i] your feelings out and gives an utter and powerful taste of your feeling to the reader.

I give it a 3.5/10. It's not my tastes for a poem. At all. But don't feel discouraged--I started off on the same end of poetry as you.[/color]

[jupitersun]

i've read better but it's not bad...very simple and loose i like it.7

[conpiracymonki]

[b][size=1]
Well I like it o.o'

It might not be long, or too thought out, but it gets to the point, and screams out what it wants to scream. And if you think it through as you read it, you'll notice it [i]does[/i] rhyme well, and [i]is[/i] deep.

Not everything has to be 20 stanzas to mean something.[/b]

8/10
I just thought the ending was a bit sudden >.>[/size]

[vegeta rocker]

(laughs at Rikkus crotch)


it sounds like that kelly osbourne song shut up.
but i don't think its very deep at all
kind of like a pop song

[Tasrai]

[SIZE=1][FONT=arial][COLOR=green]I can't say that I didn't like it, it rhymed to me, it was a little short for me but I'm all with Ajeh not everything has to be 20 stanzas to mean something, and if you study every two or so phrases and think about them they are somewhat deep, 8/10 ^_^[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[Eve]

ya! i agree
that is very good u should make more
really i beg u to make more
plez