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Writing No One Suspects the Butterfly


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[size=1][b]No one suspects the butterfly
As she flutters her wings and flies right by
No one suspects the butterfly
And thinks any harm to neither you nor I

No ones suspects the butterfly, like a midnight summer?s dream
No one suspects the butterfly, thinking she?s harmless as a glimmering moon beam
No one suspects the butterfly, as through the warm summer sky she flies

No one suspects the butterfly, living day by day
No one suspects the butterfly, but with their lives they shall pay
And she lives her life without a sigh
Because no one suspects the butterfly

--

Tell me what you think, please.[/b][/size]
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[size=1] This reminds me of an Acid Bath song that I really like. It is called "Scream of the Butterfly." Acid Bath is this more hardcoreish band, death rock kind of stuff. But surpisingly this song is somewhat mellow...in a really cool sort of way, of course. *nags lyrics*

[quote]a creature made of sunshine
her eyes were like the sky
rabbit howls like something old as we twitch to her lullaby
the scalpel shines in god's sunshine
street lights whisper pain
down here near the poison stream our god has gone insane
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die, I heard her cry
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die, I heard her cry
like the scream of the butterfly
sunshine a house in flames
she likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
surgery in the house of dissection
when your candle burns out I will resurrect you
she runs through fields of daisies
yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
who cares cause the air is free
when you get there will you kiss the dead for me?
there's blood on the moon
and the summer is cold
there's love in the room
but baby that's gettin' old
there's blood on my face
sittin' on a dead shore
a highway of emptiness and I'm gettin' bored
there's blood on the moon
as we plan our escape
the goddess in bloom handcuffed and raped
there's blood in the bathtub, baby
murder the king
there's blood on the moon
there's blood on just about everything
sunshine a house in flames
she likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
surgery in the house of dissection
when your candle burns out I will resurrect you
she runs through fields of daisies
yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
who cares cause the air is free
when you get there will you kiss the dead for me?
something cold is forced inside her
a tear spills down her cheek
stillborn songs of a dead dreamer,
hymns of the needle freak
with sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die,
I heard her cry
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die,
I heard her cry
like the scream of the butterfly
like the scream of the butterfly
I met an angel with a sawed-off shotgun
wanted by the FBI
we dropped some acid, killed our parents
then we hit the road
like the scream of the butterfly
like the scream of the butterfly
like the scream of the butterfly
like the scream of the butterfly [/quote]

I really like that song heh.

As for the poem...it is definitely good. But I do feel that in some parts you just used too much redundancy and too much sufficing in your rhyming. Otherwise it's pretty good.[/size]
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[color=orangered]Hmm... this is [i]constructive[/i] critisism... but on your middle stanza, the lines are too long. They don't "flow" right... if I'm making any sense at all? And the other two have four lines, the middle one has only three. So, if I may take the liberty?

[i]No ones suspects the butterfly,
Like a midnight summer?s dream,
Thinking she?s harmless as a glimmering moon beam,
As through the warm summer sky she flies[/i]

And that third line irks me a little too. It has too many beats in it... ~_~ I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'm assuming you want critisism? *cries* Don't kill me!! *hides* O_o;;[/color]
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[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Braidless Baka [/i]
[B][color=orangered]Hmm... this is [i]constructive[/i] critisism... but on your middle stanza, the lines are too long. They don't "flow" right... if I'm making any sense at all? And the other two have four lines, the middle one has only three. So, if I may take the liberty?

[i]No ones suspects the butterfly,
Like a midnight summer?s dream,
Thinking she?s harmless as a glimmering moon beam,
As through the warm summer sky she flies[/i]

And that third line irks me a little too. It has too many beats in it... ~_~ I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'm assuming you want critisism? *cries* Don't kill me!! *hides* O_o;;[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[size=1][b]*kills you*

Just joking.

I was writing it during American History, so my mind wasn't really concentrating soley on the poem. I'll probably revise it soon enough.[/b][/size]
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[color=blue]yeah, the rhyme scheme is a bit dodgy, but I've done it before as well. It's all about how you say it, right?
Did you get the inspiration from the Simpson's quote, because when I read the thread title, I thought, it's the Simpson's quote, but it's probably got alot to do with women or something. So yeah, is it right?[/color]
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Here's the question. Noone suspects the butterfly of what? *raises an eyebrow* hmmm. Heh, anyway this is a good shot Leh, very deep if you read into it. You kinda change rythmn half way through into the second stanza and then you switch back again in the third stanza. I don't know if that's intentional, maybe my poetry's just boring that way.
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