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Writing Doukeshi03's Poetry


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Okay, I was thinking..a dangerous pasttime I know. Anyway, I thought that it would be a good idea to put all my poetry in one thread. One at a time though, so I'll post one...then after a few comments I post another one..etc etc etc....

If the mods have a problem with this I'll be happy to change it, I just thought it would be a good idea.

Okay, first one is the one I just posted on the 'Today's Poem' thread.

Loving Grace

Do it like you really care,
Like someone really wants you there,
Like the sun still shines on luscious grass,
Like the path's not lined with broken glass.

Do it like there is no pain,
Like you used to dance out in the rain,
Like the wind still breaths across your face,
Like life still smiles with loving grace.

So, do it ?cause you feel it?s right,
Because you haven?t lost the fight,
Because the sun still shines on you,
Because you love the things you do.

Do it ?cause you know the tears,
Because you know about the fears,
Because you feel the strength inside,
Because there is no need to hide.

So show them that you?re not afraid,
The debt you had has been repaid,
You?re ready now to find your place,
?Cause life still smiles with loving grace.
P.S: The point to this is feedback people
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Thinking is a very dangerous past time. I try not to do it too often since it hurts my head so much. Do you usually write with that type of rhyming scheme? (There's a name for it, I know there is. >_<) I've tried to write poems like that before but they always sound too repititive. Anyways, the poem's great and I'll have to look over it for a little bit to point out any flaws it has, (if any.) I don't know why, but I can imagine this being read or sung with music. So do you have any tips for a wannabe poet?
(Yay! Now you can post the next poem! Post it, post it! O_o)
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Okay then, another poem as promised though the lack of feedback is disconcerting ¬_¬. This is one of my earlier poems.

I loved you once, when time stood still
I would sit in your warm embrace
I would look in your eyes and feel love.

And yet, your soul would stand alone
And I knew what was to come,
embraced it.

No time, no place could do what was done
And know what it was I felt,
When you left me.
When you tore out my heart.

Never could I sit in your warm embrace
Never look in your eyes and feel love
And know that you loved me once,
No more.
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[color=orangered]I tell you off the boards, but I'll tell you on them too: Your poetry is practically unrivaled. Given the quality of my own poetry, maybe I can't really say much, but I swear if your heart wasn't set on history I could see you becoming a lyricist one day.

The two poems in this thread, they are performance pieces, like Geist said. They can't really be classified as anything else O_o You read them in your head and think "eh?" - you read them aloud and go "ohhhh". I went around with loving grace in my head for an entire day. So yeah...

It's not really critisim, more like rambled blah-ing. But I honestly have no critisism to give. And you know what I'm like about critisism O_o;;[/color]
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[color=royalblue]I must admit though, some of them are slightly cliche. Mainly because love is written about so often, it becomes a sort of..."oh, another sappy love story, nah, not interested" sorta thing. Broken love stories make me mad, so I won't bother showering you with biased criticism.

Although I do like the fact that you have flowetry.[/color]
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Okay, poem number three here we go

Grey, black, white,
Not quite rainbow colours,

But still.

Shades of thought, emotion
Rolls in the canvas of the mind
Like the overcast sky,
Like the storm.

One thought.

The turmoil of the clouds,


Touch deep, deep within
Calm surface, like water
But slippery like ice,


Shifting across a never ending plane,
No destination,
No origin,
The ever present design,
The anger of the gods,

It?s alive.
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I'm not really into poems, but I loved this one.
I love descriptive language and imagery. My favorite part was:

Shades of thought, emotion
Rolls in the canvas of the mind
Like the overcast sky,
Like the storm.

I can see grey, black, and white paint being swirled onto a canvas by a paint brush. Then I see storm clouds rolling across the sky. And I can imagine how thoughts can enter my mind the same way, particularly angry thoughts that cloud my mind. That's what I get out of that part of the poem.
I'm not much of a critic of literary or art work, so I can't give any rating or tell you how you could improve. I personally don't think you need to improve. I enjoyed reading this poem, and I've already told you that I'm a fan of your work. ^^
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Okay, another verse type poem just to keep the ball rolling.

The end is near, the die is cast, the battle?s finally won,
The dust has settled, the scene is played, the final deed was done.
The victor rises from this haze of a ghostly silent field,
But who did fight, and who did win and who did finally yield?

No witness can behold this sight, no living eyes may see,
The barer of this laurel wreath, the crown of victory.
For none are left to cheer or cry, there is no celebration,
There?s no one here to curse and wail or dance in great elation.

No bodies lie here, cold and still; there is no smell of death,
There is no sound, there is no sight and nothing walks this earth.
But the champion of this brutal war does stand here all alone,
Weeping bloody tears of grief in guilt for life that?s gone.

It wasn?t meant to go this way, this conflict was unplanned,
They loved this life, they loved their home, they loved this glowing land.
But all was lost, though one remained no side had truly won,
This jewel was gone and would not shine, the shameful act was done.

And now as chaos ruled once more, the task was undertaken,
To restore the balance once beheld and the world once more awaken.
Both shall work now side by side, this wrong they will set right,
For the end has come but do not fear for day shall conquer night.
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Another post...annoyed yet ^_~?

It does not turn as it once did,
This life in which I dwell is cold
There is no feeling left inside
Inside this shell of mine.

I do not feel the wind as keen
When once my days were full of life,
There is no comfort left inside,
A hole forms deep within.

Familiar sights do burn and blind,
I have no saviour from this pain,
This numb, unfeeling, harsh demand
That suffocates me so.

Maybe this feeling will not stay,
The distance I now feel will flee,
And I will once more relish life
As I did so long ago.
Another one
?I?m late! I?m late!?
Damn straight I?m late,
The world went on without me.
I was thinking of the answer when
The question ran right by me.

I?m lost, I?ve lost
All that I?ve lost,
Though I never really had it,
It ran away with the world one day
Before I had time to grab it.

My thoughts still shine
But no longer mine,
They belong to someone else now.
Because I flinched my arm got pinched
And I?ve awakened from this dream now.

Because I denied
What others tried
I lost the chance prove it.
It would be great, but I?m far too late,
So all I?ve done is lose it.
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